


Echoes of Old Embers

by Ripley95



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Apollo's rejection, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Kaidan Alenko's family - Freeform, Kaidan has a lot of sisters, Lovers to Friends to Lovers, Mini Slow Burn, Post-Canon, Post-War, Reconciliation, kind of accidental dating, right person wrong time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:15:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 48,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24753805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ripley95/pseuds/Ripley95
Summary: After Shepard lives from the war, one of her biggest regrets was rejecting Kaidan at Apollo’s. Fate has a funny way of bringing Jane and Kaidan back into each other’s lives. A misunderstanding with Kaidan’s family makes him and Shepard relive old history and question where they stand.
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko/Female Shepard
Comments: 262
Kudos: 63





	1. Chapter 1

“I’m here to see Admiral Hackett,” Shepard said, shoulders poised, looking pristine in her dress blues. She was at Alliance Headquarters in Vancouver, determined to make an impression. Having just finished medical leave, she was hoping for an assignment. She was technically still recovering from some of her worst injuries, so she knew that Hackett would likely want to fight her request to be put back on active duty. Her restlessness from being confined to a hospital room for so long left her itching to find purpose again. She figured the more capable she looked, the more likely he would be to approve of her getting back to work.

The receptionist looked up from his terminal slowly, preoccupied with other tasks. “Ah, Commander Shepard. I believe he’s expecting you. Just give me a moment to see if he’s ready,” he said, going back to his terminal.

Shepard nodded politely and took the time to scope out the lobby as she waited. Almost immediately, she recognized an old friendly face in the crowd. Kaidan. He was dressed in his civvies. It was a look that she wasn’t very accustomed to from him, but she had to admit, it suited him well. He was talking with a small group of people.

Their eyes caught briefly from across the room. It looked like Kaidan stopped a sentence in the middle of its tracks, obviously caught off guard that she was here. She gave him a smile, happy to see him looking like he was doing well.

They had slowly lost contact after his return to Earth with the  _ Normandy _ . A part of her had always expected this outcome. He had asked her if she wanted to get back together at Apollo’s during the war, and she rejected him. Their loss of contact was in no small part due to her, but she missed him all the same. It felt good to see him so happy.

Kaidan offered her a soft smile in return, prompting the people he was with to turn and look thanks to the awkward pause in their conversation.

“Commander,” the receptionist said, making Shepard turn her head back abruptly. “Admiral Hackett is ready to see you.”

That was faster than expected. She did have an appointment, but she was early. Now that she had seen Kaidan, she was a little disappointed that she wouldn’t be getting a chance to actually say hi. She could have taken that extra time to catch up with him. She wasn’t about to leave Admiral Hackett waiting, though, especially when she had been the one requesting an appointment on short notice.

“Okay,” Shepard said, trying to sound personable enough to the receptionist after being thrown off guard.

“He’s on the top floor, his office is directly to the right of the elevators when you get off.”

“Thank you,” she said, as the receptionist gave her a kind nod of acknowledgement.

She quickly glanced back to Kaidan and gave him a small wave, trying to convey both a greeting and a farewell all in one. He reciprocated with mild disappointment, Shepard finding it hard not to mirror that sentiment, their glance lingering a little longer than what was comfortable. Hackett was waiting, though, so she gave him one last nod without giving him so much as a verbal hello before finally heading towards the elevators.

As soon as she reached the elevator, she quickly hit the button for the top floor before leaning against the back wall. The Alliance elevators were notoriously slow. Almost equivalent to the ones on the Citadel. She was hoping the ride up would be enough time to steel herself, having been surprisingly shaken from the encounter.

What was he even doing here? She admitted, she hadn’t been very good at trying to stay in contact with him over the past few months, but she was almost certain that he should have been on assignment somewhere. The galaxy was still in such a state of disrepair, and servicemen were in short supply these days. An Alliance Major would have been highly sought after. Yet here he was, in his civvies no less, making her all the more curious.

Seeing him was starting to dredge up old feelings. She couldn’t help but start reliving their entire past together as the elevator ascended. She rubbed her forehead from the stress of it. In a way, it pained her to see him here. It was acknowledgement to the fact that he had a life beyond her now, and that they were finally moving on from each other. There was a time not so long ago when that was exactly what she wanted. It’s the entire reason she rejected him at Apollo’s, though, if she was honest with herself, that wasn’t entirely true. Now, all it did was serve as a reminder of how big of a mistake she had made.

As brief as their history together may have been, she had never fallen for anyone more easily or completely than she had for Kaidan. The choice to reject him at Apollo’s was never an easy one. In her heart, she wanted nothing more than to be with him, but the war was too much of an unknown and more important than her own wants and desires. She never expected to make it out of that alive, and she had already seen what her first death had done to him. She couldn’t, in good conscience, put him through that experience again. As much as it pained her to reject him that day, she thought it would be better for him in the long run if they severed their romantic ties right then and there.

Now that she was standing here in this elevator alive and well, she couldn’t stop thinking about how much of a fool she’d been, and how much she regretted her decision. Where could they have been now if she had said yes? It was almost a year ago at this point. The thought of it made her audibly sigh as she looked solemnly out the glass siding to the elevator. Maybe it didn’t matter. They’d still be right back where they were after defeating Sovereign, trying to decide between the Alliance and their relationship. Just because she lived, didn’t mean the regs were miraculously something they wouldn’t have to worry about anymore. Their relationship was one that was doomed from the start.

That realisation didn’t help ease the ache in her heart that had developed more and more with Kaidan’s absence, but she didn’t see any way around it either. As painful as it was now, and would likely always be, she knew she made the right decision. At least this way they could try to start moving on with their lives. That sentiment was precisely what spurred her on to force this appointment with Hackett. She figured giving herself a sense of duty, and committing herself to her work again would provide her with something to distract herself from the pain of it all. All the more reason she hoped Hackett would take mercy on her and give her an assignment. She’d be willing to take anything at this point.

The elevator doors opened in front of her, signalling that it was her stop. As she got out, she steeled herself one last time before entering Hackett’s office, trying to rid herself of the memories of Kaidan as much as possible. They certainly wouldn’t do anything to help make it seem like she was ready to return to work. She donned her ‘Commander Shepard’ face, calm and confident, and opened the door to his office.

As she entered, she saw that he had his own private receptionist and a small waiting room of his own. It was empty save for two guards stationed outside his office door.

“Commander Shepard,” the receptionist greeted with professionalism. “Admiral Hackett is ready to see you,” she said, pointing in the direction of the guarded door.

“Thank you,” she said, headed for the door, not wasting any time on pleasantries.

She walked past the armed guards and through the door as it opened. Hackett was so engrossed with his terminal that it took the sound of the doors opening to gain his attention.

“Commander,” he said, standing up, and coming around to greet her with a genuine smile on his face.

“Admiral,” Shepard responded, giving him a salute.

He returned one of his own, before continuing to speak. “I’ll let you have that one, but we can put professionalism aside for the time being. It’s good to see you, Shepard,” he said with a smile, pleased to see her doing so well.

“It’s good to see you, too, sir. How have things been?” she asked, genuinely curious. A lot of his job revolved around the rebuilding effort these days, and it had been a while since she had any kind of official report on the matter. Maybe it could be enlightening or show her what she’s up against if she were to get her wish to be reinstated.

He let out an audible sigh laced with the stress he’d clearly been carrying with him for some time and turned towards the window.

“Come see for yourself,” he said, standing at a relaxed parade rest, looking out the window.

The view was a decent one, looking out over English Bay. It was something that she had gotten rather acquainted with throughout her incarceration. It wasn’t lost on her that the last time she was here was when the Reapers began their attack on Earth. The state of things certainly looked worse now, but the prospects were far better. There was still a lot to do in terms of rebuilding, but at least things were being put back together rather than being destroyed.

“Slowly but surely, the rebuilding process is taking place,” he said, cutting through her thoughts. “I think it’s even going ahead of schedule, given the circumstances.”

Shepard shifted her focus to Hackett then, sure he was about to elaborate.

“I won’t lie, Shepard, things aren’t perfect simply because the war is over,” he said, turning to her, before directing her to have a seat across from his desk.

He shook his head, the frustration of the last few months evident in his demeanour. “The truth of the matter is, planets everywhere have been left in shambles. There’s a galactic-wide shortage of resources—even more of a shortage of transportation to get said resources to where they’re needed most. We’re dealing with an incredible amount of refugees still stranded on Earth. Everyone’s getting a little restless and just wants to get home. It’s creating quite a few difficulties.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, sir,” Shepard said.

“Mmm,” he grunted out by way of acknowledging her sentiments. “Nothing we can’t deal with, but it’s going to take time. The problem is that everyone’s lost their patience and is fighting for priority. It’s raised a few hackles here and there.” He let out another sigh, frustrated by the thought of it as he shook his head. “I can’t even blame them. They’re homesick and tired. I would be upset, too, if we were the ones stranded somewhere for so long with no real answers as to when we’d be going home. Luckily, the progress with getting the Relays up and running again has been good, and we’re on track for them to be repaired within the next few months. As long as that happens, I think we’ll be able to maintain the peace. It’s giving everyone hope that they’ll be able to go home soon, but no one is making the process any easier on me, I’ll tell you that much.”

He leaned back into his chair more, finding a comfortable ease at speaking frankly about the situation for once. “I hope it goes without saying that none of this is to be repeated. Not that it’s priority information or anything, but you know how reporters can be: looking for a juicy story to spin, not even caring about the repercussions or the potential fallout. I’m only telling you this because you have clearance.”

“Understood, sir. I appreciate being brought up to speed, and I won’t be making a habit of spreading it around.”

“Good. I wouldn’t have thought so, but I wanted to be clear that this wasn’t simply a friendly update all the same.”

Shepard nodded, confirming that she got the point.

“So, that brings me to why you requested this meeting. I have a feeling I already know what this is about.”

“Am I that obvious?” Shepard asked with a smirk that she was trying to contain, but failing at. She knew she had a reputation for her commitment to the job. She wouldn’t be surprised if her doctor might have slipped a warning that she was looking to be reinstated into her last progress report sent off to the Alliance either. Shepard’s smirk died quickly when Hackett didn’t return it.

Hackett intertwined his fingers in front of him, with somewhat of a blank face, not wanting to give away his thoughts on the matter. “You’ve always had a strong dedication to your work, Shepard. I know that it must have been difficult to be out of the game for so long, watching the world be rebuilt without you. If you’re not here to ask to be reinstated, then I think I’m the one who’s off my game.”

“You don’t look very pleased by the prospect.”

“It’s not that. We could use someone like you back in the field. We’re short on people on every front, but I have your report from medical. It says that you still require fairly regular physical therapy, and I have a detailed analysis of your current capabilities. I think we both know that you’d be a risk in action right now.”

Shepard kept her resolve and figured she’d hear him out. He had a point about her capabilities, and she knew her limits. She didn’t think she was field-ready either. However, she was still hoping for something more than aimless meandering in life while waiting to be recovered enough to be able to handle a gunfight.

“I have a feeling this won’t be ideal for you, but the best I can offer until you pass field testing is a desk job.”

Shepard perked up at that. He was right, that wasn’t ideal, but she didn’t want to be a risk in the field for anyone else either, and this was better than nothing. A desk job would more than suffice until she could do more.

“I think I could put up with that, sir,” she said. A hint of a smile played at her lips, trying to contain how happy the idea actually made her. Even having a desk job felt like she’d be contributing in some way.

Hackett let out a chuckle at that and shook his head. “That’s not quite the reaction I was expecting from you, Shepard, but I’m glad to hear it. We need help wherever we can get it.”

“Honestly, I’m happy to be doing anything other than being stuck in a hospital bed. If I can be of help there, I think it’ll suit me just fine for now.”

“Great,” he said, his own smile souring slightly. “There is one small problem,” he said, getting up to stand by the window again, waving her over to join him.

Shepard got up to stand beside him, looking mildly concerned. “Sir?”

“You see that building over there?” he said, pointing to the water’s edge. It was a husk of a high-rise. A team of construction drones and people were in the middle of working on it. It looked like progress was being made on it quickly, though it was still far from being done.

“Yes,” Shepard answered hesitantly, wondering where this was going.

“That’s going to be your new office building. We’re on track for it to be opened in a few weeks. In the meantime, I have nothing for you.”

Shepard paused briefly at that. A few weeks wasn’t all that bad. She could find somewhere to stay and work on her physical therapy in the meantime. “I think I can hold out for that long,” Shepard said, not sounding concerned. “I can take in the sights and get a room with Alliance Housing.”

“Mmm,” Hackett grumbled from beside her.

That didn’t bode well for her. “What?”

He shifted his view slightly over to the left, towards another building that was under construction. “See that building over there?”

“Yes?” Shepard asked, hesitantly again.

“That’s Alliance Housing.” He said gruffly. “Well, more accurately, that’s additional Alliance Housing, and likely what you’ll be assigned to when your position opens up. I’m afraid what we have for now is already over capacity.”

“Well, I guess I could make a vacation out of it. Treat myself to a hotel room,” Shepard said with a smirk, almost fond of the idea of taking a bit of a break and spoiling herself before being thrown back into work. It wasn’t the worst idea.

“I’m afraid you’re likely not going to have much luck with that either.”

Shepard’s smile once again was stricken from her face as she turned to look at him. “You can’t be serious?”

Hackett kept his steely gaze. “I’m afraid so. The same problem is happening in all of the larger cities around the world. People are congregating to get everything back up and running, and that starts in the metropolitan areas, I’m afraid. There’s a shortage of housing everywhere. Since your work assignment isn’t current just yet, you’re not going to be getting precedence. Unless you have a friend in the city, I think you’re shit out of luck.”

Shepard looked back out the window. A life of starships being her home, she was used to having somewhat of a nomadic life, but she had never belonged nowhere. Her features exuded a calmness she wasn’t feeling. “I’m sure I’ll think of something,” she said with a weak smile. Her internal thoughts, on the other hand, were screaming,  _ “Well, shit.” _


	2. Chapter 2

As Shepard left Hackett’s office, her confidence in having a place to sleep tonight was completely shot. She was so determined to get out of the hospital that she hadn’t thought this far ahead. Hell, the holding cells they had here were pretty luxurious, she wouldn’t have minded staying in one of those again given the chance. Though, her experience with those was before the reapers attacked. Who knows what they looked like now. By the way Hackett had been speaking, she almost wouldn’t be surprised if they were being used for general accommodation already anyway. She shook the idea from her head and mulled over the more realistic options while she took the elevator back down to the entrance.

Hackett’s receptionist had given her the contact information of a few refugee shelters she could stay at. Even if they were out of beds, they would provide her with food, a heated space and showers to use. She’s had to deal with much worse conditions than that in her career, so it certainly wasn’t off the table, but she wasn’t sure how much she’d like it, either. She was more recognizable to the general public these days. She didn’t like the thought of special treatment or hordes of crowds looking for a picture when all she was trying to do was get through the next few weeks before her job started.

Before she knew it, she had already left the building without coming up with anything better. It made her stop dead in her tracks just outside the entrance, looking up at the sky in defeat. She was grateful that the camps were an option, but she would have rather left that as a last resort. Time was wasting, and she didn’t have much time to come up with anything better. She huffed out a sigh and pinched the bridge of her nose.

“Fancy seeing you here, Commander,” she heard from behind her. The voice was painfully familiar, a playful lilt to his voice. Kaidan. How she’d missed it. With her current predicament, she had almost forgotten about seeing him in the waiting room not even an hour earlier.

She looked up and turned to him. “ _ Major _ ,” Shepard said with a smile, matching his playful tone. “I know it’s been a while since we’ve seen each other, but I didn’t realise we were back to formalities.”

Kaidan kept the smile on his face, though, the shine seemed to drain from his eyes. Perhaps her joke was a little too close to home with how little they’d spoken lately.

“Shepard,” he said more sincerely, the corners of his mouth still tugging into a solemn smile. “It’s really good to see you,” he said, opening his arms for a hug.

She gladly took the embrace. She still missed him. Missed him more than she had ever missed anyone. Missed the comforting contact, just like this. She grasped onto him, perhaps a little more tightly than what was appropriate, and she had to fight her instinct that was telling her to rest her head on his shoulder. She could almost feel the firmness of it against her cheek, an old, familiar comfort from when they used to be more. Her eyes were closed, lost in the memory of a time when they would have done this uninhibitedly. She realised that she was probably lingering for a little longer than intended. She let go of him, backing out of the hug with a genuine smile on her face, already steeling herself to keep her voice from cracking. She didn’t want to make this any more awkward than it had to be.

“It’s good to see you, too, Kaidan. I’ll be honest, I’m a little surprised that you’re here.”

“You’re surprised? Imagine how I felt. I didn’t even know you got out of the hospital. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I only just got out. Literally. I booked transport from London as soon as I knew I was going to be discharged. Somehow, the stars aligned, and I managed to get an appointment with Hackett pretty much as soon as I landed.”

Kaidan shook his head at her with a big grin on his face. “I suppose I shouldn’t have expected anything less.”

Shepard tried to contain her own smile at that, not wanting to give in to the smug look on his face. “What? You didn’t expect me to sit around in that hospital room any more than I needed to, did you?”

“No. You never did strike me as the type to do something like that.”

“Something we have in common,” Shepard said, referring to when Kaidan was at Huerta after Mars. He was already trying to figure out where he could have been of use as soon as he was well enough.

Kaidan nodded in confirmation. “So it would seem.”

A moment of awkward silence passed between them.

“So, what are you doing here?” Shepard asked. “I figured Majors would be in high demand these days.”

“They are,” he said, confirming her suspicions. “The Alliance is shorthanded all around, pretty much. That being said, Hackett gave me a special assignment for the time being.”

Shepard’s curiosity was piqued. Surely, he wasn’t lumped with a desk job as well. Kaidan had plenty else going for him to be doing something like that. “Oh yeah, what kind of special assignment is that?”

Kaidan’s smile faded slightly. “Turns out, there were a lot of young biotics that joined the Alliance throughout the war. Since that’s over now, a lot of them have been honourably discharged, so they don’t have to feel forced into staying. There’s a lot that stayed anyway. Some of them have nowhere else to go anymore. Some of them just want a way to work with their biotics, and they think the Alliance is the best fit for them. Apparently, Hackett always had a soft spot for me as a teacher ever since Anderson pushed me towards doing it. He offered me a teaching position as soon as I was given clearance after getting back to Earth.”

Shepard looked at him thoughtfully. He’d always embodied a lot of qualities that would have made him a good teacher. The way that he talked about his students after he rejoined the  _ Normandy _ always showed how much he cared. He would make a better teacher than he was given, there was no doubt about that. “That’s really good, Kaidan. I’m happy for you. You’re well suited for it.”

“Thanks, Shepard. They’re good kids, and it’s good work. I’m happy here. At least for now.”

“I’m glad. So, is that why you’re in your civvies? The Alliance let teachers slack off with decorum?”

Kaidan chuckled at that and shook his head. “Hardly. I have to set a good example, you know. I care about my kids, but I run a tight ship. I have to look the part,” he said, eliciting a small laugh from Shepard because she wouldn’t have expected anything less. “No, I just finished my last day of work before shore leave.”

“Oh.” That took Shepard surprisingly off guard, not expecting that while things were still so busy. “I’m a bit surprised they’d be letting anyone go at a time like this with people being so high in demand right now.”

Kaidan nodded, agreeing with her suspicions over the matter. “Yeah, shore leave seems to be hard to come by these days. It was actually a stipulation of me accepting the position, though. Libby’s getting married in a few days, and I can’t miss it.”

“Your younger sister?”

“One of them, yeah.”

“Right, you have a lot of them, don’t you?” she said half-jokingly.

That made him laugh again. “Sometimes it feels like that. There’s three of them, two younger, one older.”

“I remember. Raiya’s the oldest, and Maisie’s the youngest right?”

“Yeah. Good memory,” Kaidan said, almost sounding surprised.

“I’m glad that you’ll be getting a chance to see them again,” she said, sounding genuinely happy for him.

“Me too. I’ve only seen them once since getting back to Earth. It’ll be nice having something to be celebrating for once, you know?”

Shepard nodded, understanding the sentiment well. “Yeah. That’s terrific.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan agreed, running his hand over the hair on the back of his neck. It was an old habit that he did as long as she’d known him. It brought her back to the SR-1 days, remembering it fondly—something he did with his nervous energy. “But hey, I still haven’t asked. What brings you here? You said you had a meeting with Hackett. Did anything come of that? Are you about to be thrown back into the ranks?”

Shepard forced a smile at that, unsure how he’d react to her new assignment. She was aware of how out of character a desk job was for her. “In a manner of speaking. To be honest, I’m not even sure what I’ll be doing yet. I’m still not quite fit for active duty, but I’ve been assigned a desk job in the meantime.”

Kaidan nodded at that. “Look at us. A teacher and a desk jockey,” he laughed with a hint of solemness to it. “Not sure I ever expected to see the day.”

“Can’t say that I did either,” she forced out, feeling very bittersweet about the sentiment. This was the exact reason she had rejected him, after all, never expecting to make it this far. “Well, I don’t want to be holding you up on your shore leave,” Shepard said, not sure where the conversation could go from there. It was getting a little too close to home for her liking anyway. Not to mention, she still had to find a place to sleep tonight.

Kaidan nodded at that, knowing when the conversation was over. “It really was good to see you, Shepard.”

“Yeah, you too,” she said with a smile.

“Oh, hey. I didn’t even ask where you were assigned. If it’s here, maybe we’ll even be bumping into each other more often,” he said, looking genuinely happy at the prospect.

Shepard forced another smile at that. She truly did love seeing Kaidan, but this was already hard for her. Having to see him more often would prove to be difficult. Especially if he started moving on with his life without her. That is, if he hadn’t already begun to do so. Images of him being happy with someone else skirted across her vision. Picking him up from work, giving him a loving embrace. She mentally shook her head of the idea before too much silence passed between them.

“Yeah, I suppose that is a possibility,” she had to strain to not squeak that out from under her breath. “That’s going to be my new building,” she said, pointing towards the highrise in the background.

Kaidan turned to look at it. “Oh,” he said, realisation of Shepard’s full situation suddenly dawned on him. “Have they assigned you anywhere in the meantime?”

“Nope. Guess I’ve got myself a bit of shore leave of my own before I start,” she said, trying to sound like she was happy with the situation. Kaidan, however, didn’t look as assured by her statement.

“I know almost everyone that was going to be assigned to that building was also supposed to be assigned to that housing,” he said, pointing over his shoulder to the other highrise that was under construction. Do you have anywhere to stay?”

“Uh… not really,” she admitted. Though, as she was looking out towards the mountains, that gave her an idea. “Maybe I’ll try out camping. You were always saying how beautiful the Vancouver area is. What better time than now, right?”

“Shepard,” he said warily.

“What?”

“Listen, I know you’re plenty capable of putting up with rough conditions, but it’s spring. The only time that gets a worse amount of rain in Vancouver than the spring is in the fall. Unless winter’s not cold enough for snow, then there can be a lot of rain then too. Actually, I guess summer’s really the only time we don’t get rain very often,” he said, getting distracted by his thoughts. He shook his head, getting himself back on track. “My point is, I know we’re experiencing a nice, sunny day today, but don’t let that fool you. You’re inevitably going to get caught in the rain if you do that, and you’re going to have a miserable time with it. Vancouver is beautiful, sure, but the only good time for camping is in the summer. Besides, I think camping gear is hard to come by these days, thanks to how many people are stranded here right now.”

“Well, that’s perfect,” Jane huffed out in frustration. It was a last-minute idea, but she liked the thought of it. She didn’t like the idea so much without any supplies and being stuck in the rain, though.

“From the sound of it, that may have been your only option?” Kaidan asked, reluctantly.

“Not my  _ only _ option. Hackett’s assistant gave me the number of some of the refugee centres.”

Kaidan cringed at that, knowing how difficult staying in public would be for her. “The tabloids will be all over you if you do that. Word would get out pretty quick if Commander Shepard was staying somewhere like that.”

That was an angle she hadn’t even thought of yet. “Damn. You’re probably right about that,” she said with a huff of air as she rubbed her forehead in frustration. “Maybe I shouldn’t have given up my spot at the hospital so easily. Hell, I’m sure I could have gotten a vid call with Hackett if I really wanted to. I could have stayed and kept up with the physical therapy until he needed me. I can’t believe I was so reckless.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself. You were out of the loop. How could you have known what living arrangements were like here? I can’t blame you for wanting to get out of there, either. Hospitals are difficult. People like you and I aren’t used to being idle for so long. I can’t say that I blame you for wanting to get out of there.”

Shepard nodded at that. He was right, she hadn’t known any better, and she just wanted to feel useful again. If anyone was capable of understanding that, it was him.

“Thanks. I appreciate the sentiment. Oh well. I’ll think of something.”

Kaidan nodded. They looked out over the parking lot, letting the silence pass as they were both lost in thought.

“I might have something,” Kaidan said, somewhat reluctantly. “It’s probably not going to be ideal, but just hear me out, okay?” he asked, looking back to her.

“What is it?” Shepard asked, already not liking the sound of it, but she was willing to hear anything at this point.

“Libby’s wedding is at the orchard. There’s plenty of space there. You could come with me,” he said, not exactly sounding confident in the offer himself.

Shepard didn’t even contemplate the thought of it for very long before realising how bad of an idea it was. She appreciated the gesture, of course, but now was the time that they should be moving on from each other. Meeting his family at a time like this sounded like it would do nothing but complicate matters.

“I don’t know, Kaidan. That’s a sweet offer, but your sister’s getting married. That sounds like it should be an intimate family gathering. You probably want to have a chance to catch up with everyone. I really don’t want to intrude.”

“If that’s your only concern, you shouldn’t worry about it. I have a plus one, and they’re fine with having an extra guest. No reason it can’t be you. Plus, the wedding will be more than just family. You don’t have to worry about being the odd one out or anything.”

Shepard didn’t know what to think of that. On the one hand, that implied that he was still single if his plus one was still available, because of course her mind went there. She felt a surprising amount of relief with that knowledge—almost a disconcerting amount of relief. That brought her to her other worry, though, and the exact reason she shouldn’t accept his generous offer. She still had feelings for him, and even if the actual wedding wouldn’t be all that intimate, staying with his family certainly would be. She couldn’t imagine a good outcome from that kind of situation. Her instinct was telling her to push him away so he could move on with his life like she had intended.

“Look,” he continued. “I think you know as well as I do that I’m not going to feel good about leaving you stranded here with no other options.”

_ Shit. He has a point there. _ He sure knew how to sway her. “Playing dirty now, huh?” she said with amusement.

A coy smile played at his lips. “I’m sorry. I know this would put you in a bit of an awkward situation, meeting my family like this. If I had anything else to offer you, I hope you know that I would do it in a heartbeat.”

Shepard nodded at that, knowing that he would.

“I have a tiny apartment assigned by Alliance Housing. It’s already booked by someone else the moment I leave tomorrow morning, otherwise, I would have given that to you. If Hackett wasn’t able to pull some strings for you, I doubt I’d be able to offer anything else.”

She was silent as she thought all of that through. It was sweet that he was so concerned to be trying to figure out alternatives for her.

“Besides,” he continued. “Mom would give me hell if she found out that I left you on the side of the road with nowhere to go. While you’re still recovering, no less,” he said, his playful smile returning, knowing that he was winning this argument.

She shook her head at him playing the situation, but couldn’t contain her own smile from forming. She really had missed him. She missed his playful distractions, just like this one. She missed his presence. As much as her brain was screaming at her to say no and walk away, her heart was yelling at her to stay, even if it was just to keep him in her life in some capacity. She was short on friends, after all. Most of her old crew had all left Earth a long time ago, the last she heard. Even if this was going to be difficult for her, maybe this would also be a good way to see if they’d be able to work as friends. Or maybe it was her rationale flying out the window and letting her heart lead her into a disaster. She honestly couldn’t tell, but one thing she had experience with was knowing when she’d lost a fight, and she knew that she wasn’t getting out of this one.

“I suppose I don’t have much choice, do I?” she asked, trying to sound playful.

“I don’t mean to make you feel forced into it, Shepard. I know I’m not giving you an easy way out, but if you really don’t want to go, I’m not going to force you, and I won’t hold it against you. I just want you to know that you have a safe place to stay that would welcome you with open arms, especially with how much it sounds like you need it right now. If you’re really determined to go camping, I could try to help you find gear before I leave tomorrow.”

Shepard let another moment of silence pass, trying to make sure there wasn’t an option staring her in the face that she was missing.

“All right.”

“All right? To what? The camping gear?”

“No. If we could even find some, I don’t want to be taking it away from people that need it. I’ll go to the orchard with you.”

“Seriously?”

“What? You weren’t expecting me to accept?”

“No. Well, I mean, I was pretty sure I had you persuaded, but I was expecting you to put up more of a fight,” he said, teasing her.

Shepard rolled her eyes at him before being more serious. “Thanks for the offer. Really. It means a lot to me that you’d do that.”

“Any time, Shepard. I mean it. You can stay at Alliance Housing with me tonight, then. It’s a small apartment, but I think we’ll manage just fine. I’ll take the couch.”

“You really don’t have to do that. You’re already doing more than enough for me, I can take the couch,” she said, putting her arm up in protest.

“I’m not the one who’s still recovering. Besides, the rickety old beds aren’t much of a treat either. It’s really no fuss.”

Shepard let out a sigh and gave him a look that told him he was walking on thin ice.

“I’m not the one who’s been travelling all day. Seriously, it’s fine,” he persisted.

“Fine,” Shepard conceded. She knew she wasn’t about to be winning this fight either, so it was better to just drop it and let it happen.

Kaidan nodded at that, happy that she accepted his offer. “I suppose that leaves us with a few free hours to catch up then, doesn’t it?”

“I suppose it does,” she said, already hesitant to be spending more time alone with him, knowing how difficult this already was for her. She figured this would only be a practice run before being lumped in with his family, too, though, so it wasn’t the worst thing.

“How about I show you around to some of my favourite places. The ones that survived, anyway.”

“Sounds like a plan,” she said, giving him a smile. Even though she knew it would be difficult for her to be spending time alone with him, this was also her first real outing from the hospital. It would be fun to get out and enjoy herself for once, especially without the weight of a war looming over everything the entire time. “Maybe you can show me some of that lager you’re always talking about.”

Kaidan perked up at that and started heading towards Alliance Housing so they could drop off her bags. “Hey, now you’re talking. Maybe I’ll even be able to convert you.”

Shepard huffed out a laugh. “Yeah, we’ll see about that. I doubt anything will beat Batarian Shard Wine.”

“Don’t speak too soon there, Shepard. Even if I don’t win you over with my lager, you still haven’t tried my family’s wine.”

“Right,” she said, with a smile, matching his stride. If there was one thing she was thankful for, it was how easy it was to fall back into a natural conversation with him. At least that would make this trip easier. “I’m looking forward to it.”


	3. Chapter 3

Shepard woke up to the sunlight slowly creeping in through the room. Soft hues of orange painted the walls with their warmth. It was unfamiliar and enough to make her sit up in a panic, having forgotten where she was. As soon as she sat up, she saw Kaidan still sleeping soundly on the couch across from the foot of her bed. It was enough to make her sudden adrenaline rush subside. It would seem that she had gotten more accustomed to her hospital room than she thought. She was finally free of it, yet subconsciously missing the comforts and stability it provided.

She looked out the window as she allowed her breathing to regulate itself, hoping it would help her calm down more. They were in one of the only highrises that was actually finished at this point, and Kaidan’s apartment was situated near the top. One of the perks of being a Major if Shepard had to guess. Because of that, the view was almost entirely unimpeded. She could see the mountains up to the north, their peaks still tipped with snow. Everything was beginning to be painted in that same orange glow of the sun that was currently hitting the wall.

She couldn’t help but notice grey clouds off in the distance, too. She knew Kaidan would have known better anyway, but it appeared as though he accurately predicted the weather. Even if she could have gotten camping gear without taking it from someone in need, this really wasn’t the best time to be living in the wilderness.

Her breathing had now calmed, so she turned her view to give the apartment a once-over, still not wanting to get up just yet. It was a tiny bachelor setup. The walls were cold and empty, just as she would have expected from the Alliance. Apparently, there was no surplus in the budget to be littering their walls with knick-knacks or cheap art. She had a clear view of the kitchen. The whole living space shared one larger room—the perfect depiction of a bachelor apartment. She wasn’t particularly surprised by that, again, remembering that this was temporary Alliance housing. They relied on efficient use of space, and for someone with Kaidan’s rank, these rooms were typically meant for single person use. It wasn’t exactly homey by any means, but it served its purpose well enough. Though, something about it felt homey to her, despite its cold aesthetic. She figured it probably had to do with the warmth of the sun coming through the window or the fantastic view of nature off in the distance. Part of her couldn’t help but wonder if it might have had more to do with the other body sleeping on the couch across from the foot of her bed.

Her gaze lingered down to Kaidan then. She let out a sigh and plopped her head back down on the pillow, remembering what was in store for her today. That’s right. They would be heading to the orchard later in the morning. The clarity of the situation that came with a good night’s rest suddenly left her feeling unsettled over the prospect.

After spending the evening with him, they both quickly fell back into that place of comradery and comfort with each other. It was as though nothing had changed between them. It was the exact closeness that she had been craving from him for so long now. She had fallen asleep, perfectly content and happy with the day’s events. She was glad that they could have spent so much time together with no responsibilities weighing them down, but the sobering reality of morning left a bitter taste in her mouth.

He showed her around Vancouver and took her to all of the places that were important and meaningful to him growing up here. Sure, half the city was in shambles, but he still managed to bring her to all of the areas that held memories for him. The entire time, she couldn’t help but picture Kaidan as a young boy running around the crowded streets with his family. This whole place was a part of who he was and what turned him into the person that he is now. He even took her to one of his favourite pubs that was still standing, and she finally got to try the lager he was always talking about. As they both suspected, Shepard wasn’t a fan. It had quickly turned into a fun night, all the same, getting a sample of what Kaidan’s life was like here.

It was the first time she could remember genuinely smiling in years. The only other time she could think of was at the party she threw in Anderson’s apartment on the Citadel, but even then, it was weighed down by thoughts of the war. This was different. They didn’t have a care in the world. It was almost a new feeling for her.

By the time they made it back to Kaidan’s room, she was so tired and stiff that she hadn’t even put up a fight at his insistence on giving her the bed. She had quickly gotten dressed in her pyjamas and promptly passed out without so much as saying a goodnight to the man who was gracious enough to give up his sleeping arrangements for her.

Waking up now with a fresh perspective of the previous day’s events made her feel like it was all a little more intimate than she had been expecting. She saw the city through the lens of a man she once loved. All of the places that he took her and the experiences they shared felt reminiscent of something he should be doing with someone special. Guilt consumed her then, making her regret agreeing to go to the orchard with him. She hoped that she hadn’t left him with confused feelings over their relationship like the ones she was currently experiencing. It made her realise just how difficult this week with his family was about to be. It would be unfair to put him through that.

She glanced over to the front door from the comfort and safety of the bed. It wasn’t that far away. She contemplated leaving as she glanced back to Kaidan, who was still as sound asleep as he was before. There was a small recreation centre on the first floor of the building where she could shower and change. She was almost certain she could escape quietly enough without him noticing.

She sat for another moment to mull it over. It would hurt his feelings if she left now, but in the long run, they’d probably both be better off without her complicating their feelings for each other again. If she was honest, it was making it easier for  _ her _ . She didn’t know if she could make it through a week of being with the Alenkos without breaking down at some point.

That was enough to make up her mind on the matter. She slowly and quietly began to sit up, and as she extended her leg out to hit the floor as quietly as she could, searing pain rushed through her calf and up into her thigh. The same leg that had been shattered after the blast from the Citadel. It needed so much reconstructive surgery that she wasn’t able to walk on it for months, and was still regaining full mobility and muscle mass. It was the majority of the reason she wasn’t fit for active duty yet. She fell back on the bed, hissing out in pain, figuring that they must have overdone it yesterday when they were walking around everywhere.

She heard rustling from the other side of the room almost immediately.

“What?! What is it?” Kaidan asked as he rushed over to her side.

She couldn’t respond, the pain was so bad. She hissed out again as another jolt rushed through her leg.

“Your leg? Muscle cramp?” he asked quickly, having been able to discern that from the way she was grasping at it.

She nodded in confirmation, her eyes screwed together tightly. The bed dipped beside her, and she felt gentle hands over her leg as he helped stretch it out.

“Does that feel any better?”

She nodded quickly and huffed out a “Yeah.”

“Where does it hurt?”

“Back of my thigh,” she forced out, as the pain eased slightly.

He waited for her to relax a bit more before moving to sit between her legs. That finally made her open her eyes to watch what he was doing. He lifted the stiff one gently and rested her calf on his shoulder, running his hands down the smooth expanse of her leg in search of the offending muscle.

As his thumbs started digging into the back of her thigh, she hissed out in pain again.

“I take it, that’s the spot?” he asked, looking concerned.

She nodded in confirmation, not particularly wanting to speak again, but watched him as he worked the muscle. His gaze went directly back to her thigh and his task at hand, ever the gentleman as always, not letting his eyes stray anywhere unseemly.

Meanwhile, the more he massaged her leg, the more relaxed she felt, and the more her own eyes drifted to his bare chest, still as toned as ever, perhaps with a few more scars adorning it now. Probably from the Mako blast right before the beam in London if she had to guess. They weren’t there when she saw him at Huerta after what happened to him on Mars, so they had to be more recent. Already healed over, but recent nonetheless.

She still remembered that day. Sending him back to the  _ Normandy _ with Liara. Back when she didn’t regret her decision at Apollo’s because she was so sure she was about to be facing certain death. Of course, that hadn’t stopped her from desperately wanting to tell him that she was still in love with him right then and there, but at the time, she was glad for her better judgement. Or maybe it was against her better judgement now that she was alive and well, staring at him square in the chest.

“Is that better?” he asked, and she was mortified to see that he was looking back at her now. She just hoped he didn’t notice how long she’d been ogling him.

She cleared her throat. “Uh, yeah. Thanks.”

He set her leg back down gently to let it rest but didn’t move from his spot. “Does that still happen a lot?”

“No,” she said as she rested her head back against the pillow. “I think we might have just pushed it a bit yesterday.”

“You should have said something, I would have been fine coming back here earlier.”

“I felt fine yesterday. I think I’m still just getting used to having limitations, and I haven’t exactly figured out what they are yet. I haven’t had much of a chance to test it out before now.”

Kaidan nodded at that. It was only her first day out of the hospital yesterday. They probably didn’t allow her to push herself too much outside of physical therapy. She would have expected to go back to her room hurting after a session there, but this was her first time testing out the waters on her own.

“All right,” he said, sounding pleased enough with her answer. “As long as you’re okay now, I guess. I’ll make sure you take things easier at the orchard,” he said as he finally got up.

Oh right… The orchard. So much for her escape plan. She started to sit up before Kaidan stopped her again.

“Hang on. Just stay here. I’m going to get you some water and breakfast so you can let your leg rest for a minute.”

His nurturing attitude was doing nothing to help her already very confusing feelings for him. “That really isn’t necessary,” she called out.

“No, maybe not, but I’m not the one who’s still recovering. I can grab you something to eat, Shepard,” he said with a sly grin.

She let out a barely audible grunt of frustration as she sat up a bit, before relaxing against the headboard to prevent a lecture from him. 

She heard dishes clattering lightly and cupboards open and close. She glanced over at him. He put on one of his Alliance issue T-shirts that had been strewn across the back of a kitchen chair after starting a pot of coffee with a grin on his face. He seemed content to just  _ be _ for the moment. It was a nice look on him. Like the weight of the galaxy wasn’t on his shoulders anymore. Time after war was doing him good. She realised she was staring again, so she tried to distract herself by fidgeting with the hem of her pyjama shorts.

He finished up quickly and brought her a plate of food. It wasn’t anything fancy, just a muffin and banana. He also brought her a cup of coffee and two water bottles and set those down next to her on the nightstand.

“I already know that you’re going to be too stubborn if I told you you’re not allowed to have coffee, but the caffeine will make your leg worse. I want you to finish all of that water to help compensate for it.”

“Yes, sir, Dr. Alenko,” she said with a grin and a mock salute before peeling the banana and taking a bite.

He quickly made his way back into the kitchen and grabbed himself a plate and some coffee of his own before plopping back down on the couch across from her. He stretched out his legs and put his feet up on the bed, that’s how close the furniture was to each other.

Jane couldn’t help but notice the muscles in his legs as he peeled his own banana. She still remembered what it felt like to have those thighs between hers, and was starting to remember how much she missed it. She gulped her food down a little louder than she thought was necessary, and cleared her throat awkwardly. She turned to the window again, hoping that she came off as being more suave than she felt in the moment.

It really was a beautiful view. She just hoped it was nice enough to distract any attention away from her embarrassing behaviour. The sun had a chance to rise a little higher, and the warm orange and pink hues were replaced with the more direct, harsh light of the day already.

They ate in companionable enough silence. She tried to finish her breakfast quickly, as another way to keep her distracted while she kept admiring the view.

“You okay?” she heard from the other side of the room.

Clearly, she was doing a worse job at keeping her cool than she had hoped.

“Hmm?” was all she offered as she glanced back to him, feigning confusion, hoping he wasn’t going to ask her about her odd behaviour.

“Your leg. Is it feeling better yet?”

“Oh,” she said. She had all but forgotten about that at this point. She started stretching it and trying to loosen it up a bit. “It’s still a bit sore, but much better now,” she said, almost surprised at how much better it actually was. It usually would have been hard to walk on for hours after an attack like that. It was kind of him to have done that for her.

“Good, I’m glad to hear it. You’ll get a good chance to rest it today, at least. The skycar ride isn’t too long, but we’ll still be sitting for a while. You should make sure to stretch it at some point after we land, though.”

She nodded at that as she finished off the last bite of her breakfast.

Kaidan got up and walked over to her to take the empty dishes back to the kitchen. As he bent down to take them, his old, familiar scent flooded her senses. He must still use the same soap because it quickly brought back memories of their time together. She remembered seeking those arms out for comfort before hitting Ilos. She remembered huddling herself closer to him, nuzzling her face against his chest and learning that smell for the first time as he held her under the sheets of their first night together, desperately trying to get any sleep they could before going after Saren.

“I took a shower last night after you passed out,” he said, bringing her back to reality. “So it’s all yours now. I can pack everything up, and then as soon as you’re done, we’re free to get out of here.”

“Great,” she managed to get out more clearly than she would have thought possible in the moment and offered him a smile.

She watched him head back into the kitchen with their dishes before she finally managed to get up and grab her stuff. She made her way to the bathroom and started the shower. She huffed out in frustration as she looked at herself in the mirror. Her chance at escape was long gone now, and she was finding it hard to get thoughts of Kaidan out of her head. She went back over to the shower and made sure it was set to cold.


	4. Chapter 4

Shepard was looking out the window, admiring the view from Kaidan’s rental skycar. They were well on their way to the orchard. The sky was relatively empty heading towards the Okanagan, not much traffic getting in the way of the scenery. They passed beautiful mountainscapes still covered in snow. The whole journey into the interior was more scenic than she was expecting. BC offered a lot of Earth’s beauty, and she figured she’d try to enjoy what she could from this trip. ‘Try’ was the operative word there, still thinking this plan was a mistake. She bounced her uninjured leg nervously, contemplating how difficult this week was about to be. Something Kaidan seemed to be picking up on the closer they got to the orchard.

“You alright there, Shepard? You look like you’re getting a little restless.”

“You could say that,” she said, looking over at him with a smirk. “If you’ll recall, you forced me to drink two whole bottles of water before we left, not to mention my coffee. I think I’m ready for a pit stop.” It was the truth, but she’d be lying if that was the whole reason behind her lively leg. She was getting more and more nervous, the closer they got to their destination.

Kaidan smirked at her. “Sorry about that. Maybe I should have let you pace the water a bit, but I still think you’ll end up thanking me for it later. Think you can hold it, though? The orchard’s only a couple minutes away.”

“Already?”

“Yup. Just over that hill up there,” he said, pointing ahead of them.

“Well, in that case, I’m pretty sure I can hold it.” Her leg continued to bounce impatiently, despite what she said.

They rode in silence the rest of the way. It really wasn’t far off at this point, and the thought of it only put her more on edge. Any minute now, she’d be meeting Kaidan’s family. Yet another thing that reeked of intimacy. This was something that people who were romantically involved did, and yet again, she felt as though she was stealing someone else’s place that should have been here instead of her. Kaidan wasn’t fazed at all as she glanced back towards him. He was just steering the car with a wistful smile.

No matter how he might have felt about their relationship, he was still here for a celebration and to get to be here for his sister on her special day. He would be welcoming someone new into his family. It at least made her happy that he was getting the chance to experience this. She knew this was going to be a stressful week for herself, but seeing the look on his face made her feel better about it.

Just like that, they were already making their descent. Kaidan was right, the ride was short. They made a soft landing on a patch of grass in front of the house. She practically bounced out of the car with her nervous energy. Kaidan went to the trunk to grab the bags. As Shepard reached for hers, he quickly intercepted it, and she looked at him questioningly.

“You know I can carry my own bag, right? I’m not that debilitated.”

“Maybe not, but after what I saw this morning, I don’t want you to be adding any unnecessary weight on that leg,” he said, taking the bag and putting the strap over his shoulder.

Shepard chuckled at that. Always the caretaker. She just wasn’t used to relying on anyone else to make things easier for her. “I guess I can’t argue with that. After you,” she finally agreed as she directed her hand towards the house, still fidgeting a bit thanks to her need to go to the bathroom.

He made his way up the steps and waited for Shepard to follow after him. “Well, I hope you’re ready to meet my family. I’m warning you now, they can be a bit much,” he said with a laugh, his hand hovering over the doorbell.

“I’m sure they’re fine. Even if I wasn’t ready, though, I’m about to pee my pants if this waits any longer.”

“Right,” he said with a smirk as he rang the bell.

As they waited, Shepard examined their surroundings. This was where Kaidan was raised. His childhood home. She never had anything like that, always changing ships, or being dropped off at boarding school while her mother was on active duty. She could see the appeal of having a place to always call home, not to mention being raised close to nature. It must have been nice, not that she begrudged her own upbringing by any means. It was just different. The house was very classic looking, made out of real wood, layered in soft hues of paint with a large porch on the front of the house that they were currently standing on. The property was stunning and bigger than she expected. Well kept, too, barely any signs of the war leftover. She didn’t really know what to expect when she agreed to come out here, but she was pleasantly surprised that they already managed to have it looking so good after the end of the war.

One of the windows must have been open, because they heard some shuffling from inside, followed by someone yelling.

“Kaidan’s here!!” they heard before there was a large commotion of thumping.

That made Shepard look at Kaidan, surprised. She wasn’t expecting such a reaction from an Alenko. She had envisioned them to be reserved and quiet. Then again, her only example to go off of was him, so that wasn’t necessarily a fair assessment.

“That was Maisie. She can be… enthusiastic. Acts like a teenager, even though she’s well into her twenties already. Like I said, they can be a bit much.”

“Ah,” Shepard said with a nod, still a little surprised from the complete contrast to Kaidan.

“I’ve already got it, Maisie. Calm down,” they heard someone shout back before the door opened.

Shepard got the briefest glimpse of the woman opening the door, before a blur of colour shot right past her. Said blur of colour jumped onto Kaidan, hugging him with what looked like the force of a death-grip. Kaidan promptly dropped the bags in his hands as he staggered backwards, nearly falling down the steps.

The woman that opened the door walked outside onto the porch, looking like she was trying to greet her brother as well. She had strikingly similar features to Kaidan, the same dark hair and eyes. There wasn’t any denying that they were related, likely Raiya, the oldest, if Shepard had to guess. There was something about her serious disposition that screamed maturity. She made eye contact with Shepard, and she stopped dead in her tracks. There was an expression of shock at seeing who Kaidan brought with him as his plus one. Shepard waved awkwardly as Kaidan’s younger sister was still dramatically hugging her brother.

“Aaah, I missed you so much. You’re the only cool sibling, you know that?!”

“I’m standing right here, Maisie,” the older sister said, finally moving her attention away from Shepard.

“Oh yeah. Forget I said that,” Maisie said, finally lowering herself from the hug, not even noticing the awkward silence filling the air behind her.

“The only reason you say that is because I’m the one gone long enough for you to miss me, you know,” Kaidan said as he smiled at her. It was one of warmth that looked like he was happy to be home, seeing his family again. Shepard couldn’t help but notice how good it looked on him.

Suddenly, the sound of a dish dropping came from one of the rooms in the house, prompting everyone to turn towards the noise. Shepard had a perfect view, noticing two other women in what looked to be a dining room just past the main foyer. Both of them stood there, staring. That must have been Kaidan’s mother and Libby. All of the Alenkos shared similar features, no denying their relation. Libby was acting flustered for having just dropped the dish as she bent to pick it up. Luckily it didn’t actually break, and they were examining if anything could be salvaged. Shepard couldn’t help but think she seemed a little perturbed, too. That was terrific. She was already making a horrible first impression, causing people to drop dishes.

With the commotion drawing everyone’s attention, Maisie was the last one to finally see Shepard standing there. “Holy shit,” she muttered out. She also had that trademark Alenko black hair, but hers had streaks of bright blue and pink running through it. From what little Shepard knew of her, she could already tell it matched her colourful personality.

All eyes were on Jane now, as she stood there awkwardly, immediately prompting her to look towards Kaidan. “I guess you forgot to tell them I was coming?” she said with a nervous laugh. She was usually the picture of confidence, able to keep her cool, yet somehow having the attention of all of the Alenko women on her was enough to make her anxious.

“Uh,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. “I told everyone I was using my plus one last night.”

“Yeah, sure, but none of us believed you!” Maisie said, hitting Kaidan in the abdomen with the back of her hand playfully.

“You also left out who it was that you were bringing,” Raiya cut in, sounding much less enthused than her lively sister.

“I didn’t think I had to,” Kaidan said, sounding a bit confused about everyone’s reaction.

“You didn’t think we’d be interested in knowing you were dating Commander Shepard?!” Maisie cut in sharply.

That made both Kaidan and Shepard go wide-eyed at each other, their mouths agape.

“That’s not- I never-” Kaidan said, stumbling over his words.

He was interrupted by the sound of Libby sniffling, and Kaidan’s mother comforting her and bringing her back into the kitchen.

Shepard stared at Kaidan in a way that was begging for help. Somehow, everything that could have gone wrong was going wrong and then some. She had no idea what to do in this situation, and she still had to go to the bathroom.

“Uh, right, Shepard has to use the bathroom,” he said, picking up their bags, and guiding her through the doorway and down the hall, his hand resting on her lower back.

“Aww, how cute! He calls her Shepard,” Maisie squeaked from behind them.

Kaidan dropped the bags by the bathroom door and gently grasped her shoulder to get her attention.

“I am so sorry, Shepard. I have no idea what that was or how they came to that conclusion. All I said is that I was using my plus one, I swear. I’ll go clear this up.”

“It’s okay,” she said. She wasn’t sure if she was trying to reassure Kaidan or herself at that point. It was a simple misunderstanding, but it wouldn’t help her own situation and how she was already feeling about Kaidan.

Kaidan gave her a quick nod before trying to go and smooth things over with his family.

She closed the door behind her. It was made out of thin plywood. The kind that was hollow in the middle, so as she closed it, she could still hear everything that was going on.

_ “Commander Shepard?! Kaidan, are you kidding me?” _ It was said with a scolding anger that Shepard wasn’t expecting.

_ “Libby,” _ he said, already sounding exasperated.  _ “I told you I was bringing someone.” _

_ “Yeah, but you didn’t say it was Commander Shepard! The whole point of a wedding is to celebrate the people getting married. No one’s going to care about Derek and me with her here!” _

Well, that explained the anger then. This was an issue that she hadn’t even considered. When she joined the Alliance, gaining celebrity status wasn’t exactly on the agenda, but she had gained it all the same. It was even one of the reasons she had opted to come with Kaidan instead of staying in one of the refugee camps. Libby’s concerns were warranted, considering how much of a problem her fame had become even before the end of the war. She couldn’t land on the Citadel without being stopped by a reporter or people wanting to talk to her. It was even a bit of a problem at the hospital where she was staying in London, but they at least had security. How could she have not thought of this complication when agreeing to go to a wedding of all things? The last thing she wanted to do was steal Libby’s thunder during her own wedding. This sure had turned into a colossal mess much faster than she expected. That didn’t change the fact that she was already here, though, stuck in this situation for better or worse.

Shepard heard more muffled conversation through the door, so she put her ear flush up against it to hear better.

_ “Libby, you are so missing the point. When has Kaidan ever brought anyone home? That means they’re serious. How could you not have told me?” _

That was definitely Maisie.

_ “Guys, I think everyone’s gotten the wrong ide-” _ Kaidan tried to cut in.

_ “Yeah, the Savior of the Galaxy, Kaidan? I don’t think any of us were expecting that.” _ It was Raiya this time.

_ “Hey, would you be quiet, please? She doesn’t like being called that. I didn’t bring her here to be paraded around. She’s still a real person underneath all of that, you know. It would be nice if you could all treat her like one.” _

_ “Oooh, look at that, already coming to her defense. Kaidan’s got it bad. So just how serious are you two? Is there going to be another Alenko wedding in our future?” _

_ “Guys, you’re all reading way too m-” _ He said, getting cut off yet again. He certainly came from a family of strong women, all fighting to be heard.

_ “All right! That’s enough. I swear, the moment all of you get into the same room together, it’s like you all revert back into being a bunch of wild children again,” _ Kaidan’s mother cut in. _ “Where have your manners gone? You’re almost all in your thirties for goodness sake. Whether you like it or not, Commander Shepard is a guest in our house, and we will treat her as such,” _ she scolded. It sounded like it did the trick if the following silence meant anything. _ “Kaidan, she seems lovely. I look forward to getting to know her better, but now, will everyone help me set the table. Please.”  _ Shepard heard her huff out in exasperation.

That lecture wasn’t effective enough to completely stop the snarky behaviour, but everyone was speaking more quietly. It was harder to hear them through the door now. Shepard took that as reason enough to stop eavesdropping and finally went to relieve herself.

As soon as she was done and washed her hands, she exited the bathroom. She was almost startled by Kaidan pacing right in front of the door.

“Shepard, I think we have a problem.”

“So I heard,” she said, not being able to contain a smile. As much as this had become a stressful situation, the sheer absurdity of it was enough to make her want to laugh.

“Well, I’m glad you find it funny,” he said, her own smile bringing one out in him. “I’m really sorry. I can’t get a word in edgewise. I tried to tell them that we’re not - you know.”

“I heard. I know,” she assured him. She wanted him to know she didn’t harbour any ill will towards him over the confusion. “It was a simple misunderstanding. I’m sure we can smooth things over when they calm down.”

“If they ever calm down,” Kaidan huffed out seriously, as his gaze drifted off in frustration. “I haven’t seen them so determined to believe something before in my life.”

That didn’t bode well.

“I guess the most we can do is just keep emphasising that we’re not actually together,” he said. The words stung more than she expected. “Hopefully, they’ll get the picture eventually.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Shepard said, not sounding very enthusiastic about it, but it was all they had.

“I’m really sorry about the confusion. I really didn’t even think to mention it was you I was bringing. I guess to them, you’re still larger than life. To me, you’re my friend, which is who I said I was bringing. They somehow made up their own narrative about it. I didn’t think it needed to be explained more at the time. In hindsight, I can definitely see where I went wrong,” he said, sounding genuinely apologetic.

“It’s okay, Kaidan. I know you wouldn’t have done something like this on purpose. Don’t worry about it. We stick to the truth enough, I’m sure they’ll follow suit eventually.”

Kaidan nodded, still upset for having caused such a misunderstanding. “Okay,” he said, not sounding entirely convinced with the idea. “I guess we should get back to them. The table’s set, and they’re waiting for us.”

Shepard nodded in agreement, so Kaidan turned to lead them towards the dining room.

When they finally got there, Libby was still scathing. Definitely off on the wrong foot with her, it would seem. Shepard figured she’d have to try extra hard to get on her good side now, already tarnishing something that was supposed to be a special time for her. Kaidan’s mother and Maisie at least greeted her with a friendly smile that helped her feel welcome. Raiya was harder to grasp, not giving up any outward judgments through appearance alone. This was going to be one hell of a week. The silence was so awkward, Shepard just offered a smile to everyone for a moment, before glancing back to Kaidan for help.

“Uh, right. Well, is everyone ready to eat, then?” he asked, looking around the room. “Mom and Libby have been working on a big meal all morning.”

“Oh,” Shepard said, finally looking at the table setting. There was a big roast prepared and plenty of fresh vegetables and potatoes. It looked like quite the feast. “Everything looks amazing. I haven’t had a good, fresh meal in a long time.”

“Oh, well, in that case, let’s dig in, shall we?” Kaidan’s mother said with a big smile, proud of her accomplishments, and happy to see that her hard work would be appreciated by someone. She was the first to sit, taking the head of the table. “No need for manners now, just grab whatever you want,” she said, pointing to the chairs to prompt everyone to follow suit.

Jane looked at Kaidan to follow his direction. She wanted to make sure she wasn’t stealing anyone’s spot or stepping on even more toes. He quickly took notice that she was waiting for his lead, and went to pull out a chair for her.

“Oooh, look at that, Kaidan’s being such a gentleman,” Maisie said as she sat at the foot of the table.

“Yeah, about that,” Kaidan spoke up. “Shepard and I are not together,” he finally managed to get out without being interrupted. It was a relief to both of them.

“Oh come on,” Maisie said with a laugh as she started dishing some food onto her plate. “With the way you’ve been acting? There’s no way that’s true. If you’re just trying to downplay whatever’s going on between the two of you to avoid breaking the regs or something, you should know that your secret’s safe with us.”

Kaidan let out a sigh, and rubbed his forehead, hardly able to believe that this was happening.

“All right. That’s enough, Maisie. Leave them alone.”

Maisie finally listened to that well enough, but something about the whole situation didn’t seem very finalized.

Kaidan quickly acted as though everything was normal and plated some pot roast before passing it on to Shepard, which is when he broke into the conversation again. “We didn’t get to do any actual introductions, so--”

“Wait, no. I think I have a pretty good idea of who everyone must be,” Shepard said as she took a piece of the pot roast before passing the plate. She figured maybe showing a genuine interest in them might put her back on their good side.

“You have to be Maisie. Awesome hair, by the way,” she said with a genuine smile.

“Thank you,” Maisie said with a smile, glancing over to her sisters with an impressed look on her face.

Continuing around the table, “You must be Libby, and uh, I just wanted to say congratulations. This must be such an exciting time for you,” she said, trying to be extra nice.

Libby said a quiet ‘thanks’ as reciprocation, clearly not happy still, but at least trying to maintain pleasantries. Shepard just nodded at that, knowing that things weren’t going to be smoothed over for her unless she was assured that her wedding day could go off smoothly. That was an issue for another time, though.

“Raiya,” she said with a smile. Raiya just nodded, smiling back. Shepard still wasn’t exactly sure how to read her yet, but she supposed it was better than Libby. Shepard glanced at Kaidan for confirmation after that. The look he gave her was even more surprised than when he learned that she remembered all of their names. It was almost as though he hadn’t expected her to pay attention all those times he discussed his family with her. Especially not to have enough detail to have determined who everyone was on her own. She gave him a warm smile as she tried to move on to the last woman in the room.

“Not together, my ass,” Maisie mumbled under her breath in a way that was still audible to everyone else in the room, and Kaidan rolled his eyes.

Shepard wasn’t sure how to respond to that, so after a bit of an awkward pause, she continued. “And that leaves you, Mrs. Alenko. I’m sorry, but I never actually got your first name.”

“That was impressive. We’re a big group to have gotten everyone right. You can call me Ada.”

“It’s a pleasure to finally meet all of you,” Shepard said.

Maisie just stared at Shepard blankly before looking around the table. “Oh, come on! Seriously? They’re clearly together.”

Shepard and Kaidan shared a bit of a concerned look between the two of them. Apparently, her plan to get on everyone’s good side was just making this other issue of theirs worse, and now she regretted it.

“Just ignore her,” Ada interrupted. “What about you, though. Surely the great Commander Shepard must have a first name. It’s surprisingly well hidden from the public. I can’t say that I’ve ever heard it.”

Shepard had to laugh at that. It  _ was _ somehow surprisingly well-hidden. Not only from the public, but even from people she was close to in her real life. Everyone had always called her Shepard ever since she was young. Likely a side effect of growing up in the military. Come to think of it, the only people that ever really called her Jane was her own mother, and Kaidan. Kaidan had only ever used that name briefly when they were together, though, and quickly reverted back to Shepard ever since.

“I do have one. Shocking, I know. It’s Jane.”

Ada gave her a genuine smile at that. “Well, it’s lovely to meet you, Jane.”

Shepard smiled back at the sincerity of it. She figured it must be strange to meet ‘Commander Shepard’ given her service record and media coverage. Maybe ‘Jane’ would be a little easier to see the person underneath all of that. This was supposed to be shore leave after all—a personal trip with a friend on top of that. If ever there was a time to put her rank aside and be Jane, it was now.

“The feeling is mutual. Kaidan’s told me so much about all of you. It’s nice to finally put faces to the names,” Shepard said.

Ada smiled at that, and everyone took a moment to eat. It took Maisie a second longer than everyone else to start eating as she sat there looking like she was about to burst. She clearly wanted to say more but didn’t want to be yelled at by her mother.

“Well, I hope you’re okay with waiting a bit before you can settle in. Kaidan only told us last night that he’d be bringing someone.”

“Sorry about that,” Shepard cut in. “You can blame that one on me. I was actually only just released from the hospital, so it was on short notice for everyone.”

“Oh no, I didn’t realise you were still recovering. Your injuries must have been quite serious.”

“You could say that,” Shepard said, warily, not really wanting to relive the worst of it right now. “I guess the important part is that I’m doing much better now,” she said, as she glanced over to Kaidan momentarily. She was almost surprised to see a look of genuine gratitude at the statement before she looked back to Ada. “I still need to be doing the exercises they’ve been teaching me in physical therapy, but I’ve been feeling much more like myself over the last month.”

“Well, I’m glad to hear you’re doing better,” she said with a warm smile. “Anyway, I hope you don’t mind sharing a room. With all of the kids back at the house again, we’re at capacity.”

Being a soldier, sleeping in close quarters with someone was hardly an issue. Her only problem with it was remembering what it felt like to wake up in the same room as him earlier that day back in Vancouver. It did nothing but make her feel worse about her current situation and constantly being reminded of her feelings for him. Then again, it was better than being temporarily homeless.

“No, that’s fine. Don’t even worry about it. I’m just thankful for the hospitality.”

Maisie flung her arms out in frustration, before crossing them indignantly, clearly wanting to say something again. Shepard mentally chastised herself for continuously shoving her foot deeper in her mouth.

“If I have anything to say about it, you’re always welcome here, Jane,” Ada said with a cheerful smile, completely ignoring her youngest child. “I’ll have your room ready in a few hours after I get a chance to wash the sheets and everything.”

“Oh, mom, that’s okay. You don’t have to go out of your way or anything. We can set up the room,” Kaidan cut in.

“No, no, don’t be silly. Your time here is so limited, and Jane’s a guest. You should take her around the property after lunch. There’s a lot to see. The apples aren’t quite ready to bloom yet, but the leaves have all come back and are such nice shades of green. The orchard looks so pretty. You should go enjoy yourselves.”

“Are you sure?” Kaidan asked. It almost looked like it pained him to think that he had inconvenienced his mom. Shepard wouldn’t put it past him. The man never liked to feel like he was a burden.

“Of course I’m sure, now quit asking.”

Kaidan nodded at that reluctantly, accepting that his mother wasn’t going to budge on the issue. 

Everyone continued with their lunch, having a passing conversation. Ada’s warm disposition was already making her feel incredibly welcome, so she figured that was at least one good thing out of this whole situation. As for everyone else, it seemed like she’d be keeping herself plenty busy trying to smooth things over.


	5. Chapter 5

After finishing the lunch that Ada and Libby prepared, Shepard and Kaidan made sure to stay long enough to help put away the leftover food and clean up all of the dishes. Ada shooed them out the door the moment they were done helping so they could go enjoy themselves.

As they walked out the back door, Shepard immediately had a better view of the orchard than when they landed. It spanned for kilometres and was met with a pine forest along the edges, proving that this was a much larger property than she had imagined. Growing up in space, learning about agriculture wasn’t particularly high on the list of learning priorities, so she really had no idea what to expect. Seeing the scope of it first-hand was surprising. The additional view of the hills and mountains in the distance was enough to make her feel small, which wasn’t an easy feeling to achieve after seeing the vastness of space. She had to pause and take it all in.

The sun was out, which was nice considering they only just escaped the rain that had started pouring that same morning back in Vancouver. Spring had only just started, so the sun blanketed them in a pleasant warmth to contrast the cooler temperatures and the light breeze surrounding them. The weather and the scenery couldn’t have been more perfect. She had to credit Libby with having impeccable taste when it came to choosing a time and place to have a wedding.

After taking in the initial scenery, Kaidan started walking, leading the way at a slow and relaxed pace. He waited for Shepard to match him before leading her towards the apple trees.

“So… that was… uh,” Kaidan stammered.

“Interesting?”

“That’s one way to put it,” he said with a slight smile.

“Don’t worry about it. It was fine,” she said, trying to be reassuring. She didn’t want him to feel more guilty than he already did about Maisie’s misunderstanding or the fact that his family had such a shocked reaction to her at first.

“I’m sorry, were we in the same room?” he asked with a lighthearted laugh.

“All right. Yeah, that was a bit of a disaster, wasn’t it? Happy now?” she asked, teasingly.

“As long as we’re on the same page about it,” he said with a smirk. “I’m sure mom will have a talk with Maisie. It’ll probably be fine.”

“Ah. ‘Probably.’ I’m feeling very reassured here, Kaidan.”

“Well, you saw how she reacted. She’s not one to let an idea go easily once she’s made up her mind about something, but she’s harmless enough. Even if it were true, she wouldn’t be selling that information to the tabloids or anything. She’s way too loyal and protective to do anything like that,” he said, somewhat amused before turning his tone more serious. “But then there’s everyone else’s reaction.”

“They were just taken off guard. I get it.”

He turned to her and let out a small laugh. “Yeah, I still can’t believe I didn’t expect that reaction though, because I probably should have.”

“It wasn’t all that bad,” she said, almost believing it herself. “Especially with the way lunch went, I think they calmed down a bit.”

Kaidan nodded in agreement. “They really are a good bunch once you get to know them,” he said as they continued their leisurely pace towards the trees.

“If you’re anything to go by, they can’t be all that bad,” she said with a smile before she realised what she said could have come off as being flirtatious, which is the last thing she wanted. Damn her heart speaking before her brain. An awkward moment of silence passed between them before she cleared her throat. “I just hope I haven’t complicated things too much. I didn’t even think about the fact that I might be stealing Libby’s thunder or anything.”

Kaidan looked at her then. “You heard that, eh?” he asked, sounding guilty. “Yeah, I didn’t even think about that possibility. I’m sure we can think of something to make it up to her. She usually needs some space to cool down, though, so it’s probably best to give her some time.”

Shepard nodded at that. She really didn’t mean to cause such an upset for something that was supposed to be such an important moment in his sister’s life. If worst came to worst, she would end up excusing herself from the wedding anyway. She wasn’t about to be ruffling any feathers at a time like this. She knew Kaidan wouldn’t be happy with that idea. He would have hated for her to be excluded after he invited her here, so she kept it to herself for now. Her thoughts faded into the background as she realised that they finally reached the treeline.

“That’s where the reception’s going to be,” he said, pointing towards a barn off to the side of them, then he turned back to the orchard’s treeline. “And I think this area right here is where Libby’s going to get married. We’ll mow the grass and set up some chairs. She’ll probably walk out from the house, and get married with that view in the background,” he said, pointing to the mountains.

“She certainly has good taste,” Shepard said, taking a glance around the area. Something caught her attention, and she noticed someone standing on the porch watching them out of the corner of her eye. “Don’t look now, but there’s a target at our six,” she said jokingly.

“You don’t say,” Kaidan returned, picking up on the playful banter, determined to play coy along with Shepard, and not turn around to chastise whichever sister it was.

“If I had to venture a guess, I’d say it was Maisie,” Jane said under her breath with a smirk.

“If I had to guess, I’d say you’re probably right,” he said with mirth, shaking his head at his sister and her antics.

“Should we mess with her?” Shepard asked with an evil grin.

Kaidan looked to her with a mix of intrigue and hesitation. “For the record, Maisie’s basically a big child, so the answer to that question is almost always a ‘yes,’” he said with a quiet chuckle.

Shepard nodded, the devilish grin still firmly on her face, as she reached for Kaidan’s hand with her own, gently intertwining their fingers. She immediately revelled in the warmth of his palm against hers, coinciding with an almost immediate sense of regret. Clearly, she hadn’t thought this through. Holding hands was an intimate gesture, and she suddenly realised how big of a mistake she just made. She looked back up to him, not knowing what to do, her evil expression faltering slightly. Kaidan didn’t seem to notice, trying to act as nonchalant as possible to play along with it.

“You sure stepped in it now, Shepard,” he said with a grin, matching her own.

“Yeah,” she said, dragging out the word. “I’m starting to realise that. I may not have fully thought out the repercussions of this.”

“Well, not much more to do now than let it play out,” he said with a smile still plastered to his face. At least he didn’t look as perturbed with the idea of it as she was. “We should head up this way. There’s something I want to show you.”

“Sounds good,” she barely managed to get out before she felt a gentle tug at her hand as Kaidan started to guide them.

They slowly made their way up a small hill past the apple trees. She figured he was probably taking it so leisurely today thanks to her leg being stiff. Kaidan’s thoughtfulness was one of the many qualities that she admired about him, but in this particular instance, she couldn’t help but wish they were moving a little faster. All she could think about was how long her hand had already been safely cradled in his, and how much this ‘prank’ had crossed some kind of line. She could feel the sweat beading between their palms like this was some school-aged crush. Maybe the torture she felt was a fair punishment for doing something so foolish.

He led her towards the outer edge of the pine forest that bordered a corner of their land, and as they got far enough away from the house, she felt his fingers slip out of hers. It was exactly what she wanted, yet somehow, the air now bit at the flesh of her palm. The loss of contact stung as much as the thought of maintaining it. She put her hand in her pocket as a way to distract herself from the sensation of it.

“Is this all part of your property, too?” She asked. She was genuinely curious, but also mostly just wanted to try to forget about what just happened.

“Some of it. The forest extends beyond our border, but the neighbours are really good about sharing it. We won’t be going that far today, though.”

She nodded in acknowledgement, still amazed at the contrast of upbringings they had.

They continued to walk along a small path briefly. She even noticed lights following the trail, implying that it must be one that’s used frequently. It didn’t take long before they reached a clearing with a tiny log cabin right in the middle.

Shepard paused in her tracks, taking in their new surroundings briefly. “This is also yours, I take it?”

Kaidan turned to her, with a soft smile on his face. “Yeah,” he said with a nod. “It’s one of my favourite things here. This is what I wanted to show you,” he said pointing towards the cabin as they walked closer towards it.

The exterior of the cabin left a lot to be desired, though, she had to admit it had a rustic charm. The setting was very calming and private, so she could understand the appeal. It seemed perfectly suited to Kaidan, so no wonder this was one of his favourite spots.

Kaidan led them inside the cabin. It was a relatively simple structure with only one small room. Clearly not meant to be a livable building by any means. Not for any extended periods, anyway. There was a decent looking couch opposite the entrance. Maybe a little dusty, but still in good condition considering it’s been staying in a building that hasn’t been maintained for who knows how long. There was a coffee table, some end tables, and a couple of boxes of what looked like old books strewn about. The air was stale, but Shepard figured it could look pretty quaint with a bit of tidying up. She wasn’t about to disturb anything, but she could picture it being a cozy place to spend an afternoon.

“Why don’t you have a seat and relax for a second,” he said, before opening the curtains and windows to let some natural light in and air out the room.

Shepard followed his direction and sat on the couch, only to have unsettled a small cloud of dust. She coughed slightly and waved her hand around to dissipate any remnants in the air before brushing off the cushion next to her in order for Kaidan to sit down without a repeat of events.

“Thanks,” he said with a genuine smile as he sat next to her on the cushion that she cleaned off.

“I’ve gotta say, Kaidan, this is pretty nice.”

“Yeah. I always liked it.”

“So, is this one of those childhood forts that all you Earth kids got to have?”

Kaidan huffed out a laugh at that. “Not exactly. This is probably pretty luxurious for something like that. And I think it’s pretty rare for us  _ Earth kids _ to actually get something like a fort out in the woods.”

She nodded with a smile. She was sure he had a point, but her only reference for that kind of thing was from the vids and extranet searches when she was young. She wasn’t exactly the most well versed on planetside upbringings. She was silent after that. Clearly, there was more to this place than meets the eye, and he brought her out here for a reason.

“Sounds like there must be a story about this?” she asked hesitantly.

“Yeah- yeah, there is.”

Kaidan tried to relax into the couch a bit more, and looked out through the window, appearing as though he was trying to distract himself. Shepard silently waited for him to continue, seeing that it was already a difficult story for him.

“Well… you know about Jump Zero.”

That caught her off guard, not expecting this to have anything to do with that. This really was going to be serious then. “Yeah,” she said quietly.

“I know I’ve told you about Vyrnnus before, but we never really discussed what things were like  _ after _ that.”

Shepard immediately felt guilty. She didn’t mean to dredge up old memories. “Kaidan, you don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“No. It’s okay,” he said, with that wistful smile again. “That time in my life was hard. I won’t lie about that. I mean, I killed a man in cold blood, Shepard.”

“It wasn’t your fault. He was a man abusing his power. Abusing children. You were protecting someone you cared about.”

“Yeah. I know that now,” he said solemnly, nodding his head in affirmation. “It was a bit more complicated at the time, though. I mean, I was sure I had done the right thing, but then Rahna, well, she made me feel like I was some kind of monster. When I came back home, I wasn’t exactly myself anymore. Obviously, I was in therapy, but therapy really isn’t any good unless you accept the help, you know?”

Shepard nodded quietly, understanding the sentiment. She sat intently, studying his features as she listened to what he had to say.

“But anyway, I was only seventeen. I didn’t know how to handle that, and I was too stubborn to actually use the help that was given to me. I was dangerously close to losing myself to the rage that pushed me over the edge that day when I killed Vyrnnus. Either that or getting lost in a deep pit of depression, knowing that I had the power to so easily take away something as precious as someone’s life. I started secluding myself away from my family. I thought I was a danger to them. Siblings can be annoying. I didn’t want to snap at them and lose control again, so I stayed away, hidden in my room most of the time.”

“Obviously, my parents picked up on the fact that therapy wasn’t helping. My dad took me to stay in our apartment on English Bay for a while, just the two of us. I was still angry, and I didn’t know why he brought me out there. He found me one afternoon out on the deck, and he had a case of lager with him. That was the first time I ever had a beer,” he said with a faltering smile. “In retrospect, I don’t know if it was all that smart giving alcohol to a seventeen-year-old with an attitude problem. I guess he had a plan, though, and he knew what he was doing.”

Shepard smiled regretfully. Kaidan’s dad sounded like an amazing man, and someone she wished she could have gotten the chance to meet.

“I think at first, he mostly took me out there to give me some space and try to let me cool off, but he knew that wasn’t going to be enough for me. I think the alcohol was supposed to be a kind of peace offering, knowing that I needed something big to snap me out of it and get me to open up. I think it was supposed to almost be symbolic in a way, letting me drink alcohol like that even before the legal drinking age. He was trying to show me that he trusted me and let me know that I was capable of being responsible with something like that. I didn’t fully realise it at the time, though, you know, but it worked. It was enough to calm me down and be willing to listen to what he had to say.”

Shepard just watched him speak, sad that Kaidan had to go through something like that so young.

“We sat there for a while before he started talking, but then out of nowhere, he told me that he was lucky. I had to stare at him, not having a clue what he was talking about, but then he continued, saying that he left the Alliance before first contact was ever made, so he never even had to be at war. He had done all the training and was well aware of the toll that taking a life can have on a person, but that he was lucky to never have had to do it himself. And then he told me that he was sorry. Sorry that I had to experience something so awful that young. Sorry that he couldn’t relate to me or offer me any words of wisdom. Sorry that he ever let me go up to Jump Zero in the first place,” Kaidan said, his eyes becoming a bit watery. “He said he regretted it. That the turians were trying to make us out to be dangerous and that since humans didn’t have any experience with biotics that I had to go. They said it was the only option for me to learn to control myself. He said there was always something that felt wrong about it, and that he wished he had fought harder to have been able to keep me here with them, but that biotics was just so new and he had no idea what to do about it, but that he made a mistake.”

Kaidan paused for a moment before continuing. “Then he said that he was proud of me. He said that the fact that I had taken a life was something that would likely weigh on me for the rest of mine. That it was important to remember that it wasn’t an action done entirely in cold blood like I thought. That I was standing up for something I believed in, and that I was trying to protect innocent lives. He did go on to say that the situation was more complicated than he knew what to do with. That it was still important for me to learn control and how to deal with my emotions. He didn’t say so specifically, but I think that was his way of pushing me to try harder in therapy. I listened to what he had to say. It was still hard for me to understand it at the time, but I knew he was right. It was better than the pit I had dug myself into, trying to hide away from everyone.”

Shepard continued to listen intently. Kaidan clearly seemed to want to get this off of his chest, and the least she could do was be there for him, but it pained her to see him reliving such a difficult time in his life.

“I kind of thought that would be the end of it. Like it was my dad’s way of relieving his own burden, so he wouldn’t have to feel guilty anymore, just as much as it was meant to persuade me to do better for myself. I almost expected him to wash his hands of me and pass me off to the therapist then. I think I must have just had a hard time knowing what to trust back then, having felt abandoned at Jump Zero once already. It almost felt like my dad was about to be doing it to me all over again with the therapist. I should have listened to him better and trusted him, because of course I was wrong.”

“After we came back to the orchard, he had arranged for a bunch of supplies to be delivered during my first appointment back in therapy. As soon as I got back home, he brought me out here to a bunch of tools and logs and schematics. I think he tried to pass it off as innocently as possible. He said that he knew I was a teenage boy in a house packed full of women, so he knew I needed my privacy. Somewhere to be quiet and contemplate things. So this became our project—a place to be my own, away from everyone else when things got difficult. We came out here and built a little bit every day for a couple months. It probably took us a lot longer than it would for a professional since I didn’t know anything about tools, and he was trying to teach me along the way. Eventually, he even encouraged me to use my biotics to our advantage with it, lifting the logs and trying to place them accurately. He taught me a lot about being patient and learning control,” he said, glancing back to Shepard now, his eyes beginning to shimmer with unshed tears.

“I haven’t been back to this cabin since… well, since he-” he cut himself off, not able to continue.

“Oh, Kaidan,” Shepard said softly with a hint of shock flooding her voice. He hadn’t even had a chance to truly mourn his own father yet with how busy he’s been since the end of the war. Here she was intruding on something deeply personal again. “I should go. You should have some privacy,” she said as she started to adjust herself to get up and leave.

“No, wait,” he said, while simultaneously reaching out to grab her hand, and pulling her back slightly to get her to sit back down again. “Please stay,” he said, with the slightest hint of a pleading tone in his voice. It wasn’t something that Shepard was used to hearing from him. Even when he feared the worst about his father in the observation lounge on the  _ Normandy, _ he kept his resolve.

She relaxed back into her seat, clasping his hand tightly within hers, trying to exude some level of comfort for him. “Okay,” she said softly. “I will.”

He nodded slowly, before relaxing slightly again, not releasing his hand from hers even still. “I miss him, Shepard. I never even got to say goodbye.”

“I know,” she whispered as she grazed her thumb ever so slightly over his skin. It was the only way she knew how to attempt to take his pain away without crossing that boundary into something more intimate again.

They sat there in silence for a few more moments. She didn’t really know what to say in a situation like this. Of course, she had experienced loss in her own life, too. More than most people’s fair share, even. She’d even lost her own father, but none of it was exactly comparable to this. Kaidan lost one of his lifelines. One of the only people who was capable of bringing him out of one of the darkest times in his life. How was she supposed to be able to comfort him in a time like this?

“It hurts, Shepard,” he said, a tear finally shedding down his face.

She finally gave in and relinquished his hand, unable to sit idly by while he was in so much pain, seeking an outlet and comfort. She wrapped an arm around him, pulling him to her. She held his head tightly to her shoulder, stroking her fingers through his hair, cradling the back of his head as he let out a sob. She continued to hold him tightly and leaned her head against his in a sign of affirmation that she wasn’t going anywhere. Crossing boundaries be damned.


	6. Chapter 6

Shepard began to open her eyes slowly, still in a hazy stupor that came with sleep. She was surprised to find that it was already dark outside, her last memory being from the afternoon. It felt like only minutes had passed, but it must have been hours. She didn’t even have a moment to wake up and make sense of what happened before a noise at the door shot a bolt of adrenaline throughout her entire body.

“Well, don’t you two look cozy?” Maisie said teasingly from the doorway of the Cabin.

Shepard sat up with a jolt, looking down at Kaidan, his eyes still closed, barely aware of what was going on. She had already gathered that they must have ended up falling asleep together as she comforted him, but she hadn’t realised that she was lying right on top of him until right now. She couldn’t even move, she was so baffled as to how she let this happen.

Shepard finally began to feel stirring underneath her as Kaidan was taking longer to wake to the noise than she had. He put a hand on her waist as though it was instinctual. That feeling when you’re in a relationship with someone and the first thing you want to do when you wake up is to seek out that warmth and comfort from them. He’d done it before during the brief time that they actually were together, when touches like that felt so natural. It was yet another thing she missed. He finally began to open his eyes, rubbing the sleep from them with his free hand, and started to look around. He met Shepard’s gaze, and he peeled his hand off of her waist just as instinctively as it had found her only seconds before. He finally looked towards the door to see his sister standing there, looking more thrilled than ever.

“Shit,” Kaidan muttered under his breath as he started to sit up straight.

Shepard agreed with the sentiment for plenty of reasons and moved off of him immediately to sit on her own separate side of the couch, not that it would help matters at this point. She was sure the damage was already done, both of them looking entirely guilty and suspicious.

“Not in a relationship, eh? Holding hands earlier, now catching you on the couch, cuddled up nice and close. Maybe you haven’t been in enough relationships to know what one looks like, but let me tell you, this looks like a relationship to me.” She said it entirely pleased with herself, arms crossed with a cocky confidence on her face.

Kaidan glared back at her, nowhere near as pleased with the accusation.

“I don’t hear you refuting it.”

He rubbed his forehead and let out a huff of air, annoyed by the circumstances. “Damn it, Maisie, you know this is supposed to be my private area.”

“Is that supposed to be you refuting it?” she said with an even bigger grin.

“It’s really not what you think,” Kaidan said, frustration lacing his words. “Besides, you know this area is mine. You shouldn’t be here anyway.”

“Yeah, well, you haven’t been here in years. I kind of took it as my hangout before the war started.”

“I guess that explains all the romance books in here now,” he said in his own teasing tone.

“Oh, shut up. Half of these are yours, and you know it.”

Kaidan let out the slightest snort of laughter, looking amused at the accusation and not denying it.

Shepard turned to him with a smile, entertained by the idea. She had to admit, ever since Kasumi got her into the genre, it had become a guilty pleasure. Maybe they’d have to trade favourites later.

“Oh my god, you guys are totally smitten,” Maisie said, noticing the look on Shepard’s face. “There’s no way you’re going to convince me that you’re not together now.”

Kaidan stared at his feet, letting out a sigh.

“Oh come on, is it really that bad that I figured this out? I already told you, if you’re keeping this a secret because of the regs, you should know that no one’s going to report you here,” Maisie said, earnestly.

Kaidan glared at her. It was clear that he had given up on trying to convince her otherwise. The evidence was stacked against them anyway thanks to their earlier antics and this mishap.

“All right. Be that way then,” Maisie said, unsatisfied with not getting an admission of guilt out of either of them, yet still pleased with herself for ‘figuring it out.’ “But anyway, I’m only here because you weren’t answering your omni-tool. Mom’s been trying to call you. She’s gotten your room ready,” she said, another grin forming on her face. “Though, I suspect neither of you will be needing much sleep tonight.”

“That’s enough, Maisie,” Kaidan said, not liking what she was implying.

“Fine. I’ll just leave you to it then,” she said with a wink before she finally left.

Kaidan let out a long frustrated sigh, resting his head on the back of the couch in defeat.

Shepard leaned forward, rubbing her forehead, upset with how bad of a mess they had gotten themselves into. She already felt like it was a mistake to hold his hand earlier, wondering how much she’d complicated their predicament, but now it seemed like any “relationship” between the two of them was practically undeniable. Not only that, but if she thought holding hands was an intimate gesture, what did that say about falling asleep on top of someone? She couldn’t help feeling like she crossed some kind of line. At least this didn’t happen on purpose. She knew that Kaidan would be understanding of it. That did nothing to help her inner thoughts of wishing she had woken up snuggled up next to him in a way that wasn’t an accident, though. Another regret to add on top of the growing pile since agreeing to come here. It was too easy to be drawn towards him when they were around each other. That didn’t exactly make it easy for her to maintain the romantic distance that she wanted to.

Kaidan finally stood up from the couch, and she took that as a signal to follow suit. They looked at each other somewhat awkwardly, before they both said, “I’m sorr-” at the same time.

They both let out an embarrassed laugh, the tension dissipating slightly.

“I’m not even sure what happened,” she said, genuinely confused at how easily they had fallen asleep and nuzzled up to each other.

Kaidan shook his head as a way to absolve her from any guilt. “Me neither, but uh… thank you, Jane.”

_ ‘Jane.’ _ The last time he had ever called her that was at Apollo’s when he was asking if she wanted to try being in a relationship again. Ever since her rejection, it had been nothing but ‘Shepard.’ Perhaps she was reading too much into it. It was just her name after all, and this was a more personal setting than a warship. He was bound to be a little more relaxed here. There was no reason that it should have meant anything. The rational explanation behind it did nothing to stop her heart from fluttering at the idea.

“I think I really needed that,” he said, looking genuinely thankful. “And it means a lot that you stayed.”

“Don’t worry about it,” she said with a curt nod. What she wanted to say was that she’d be there for him any time he needed it. That she’d hold his hand and wipe away his tears, and that he wouldn’t have to feel alone. Instead, she went for something genuine but stayed in appropriate territory. “Your dad sounds like he was an amazing man.”

“He was. I was lucky to have him,” Kaidan said before stepping out of the way of the door, and showing her out.

They walked silently in the dark towards the house, the air was noticeably more chill than it was earlier in the day. She figured Maisie was probably right. She didn’t think there would be much of any sleep to be had, though not for the reasons that Maisie had been insinuating. She anticipated a night full of tossing and turning, contemplating what it was like to wake up in Kaidan’s arms again after so long. His scent was still lingering in her nose, and she could still feel his warmth. He provided a sense of safety and comfort that she missed. She’d never regretted her rejection of him at Apollo’s more than she did right now, after having a taste of what she’d been missing out on this whole time.

“Hey, uh, before we get back to the house, I just wanted to say that I’m sorry with everything that’s happened with Maisie.”

Shepard looked over to him in disbelief. “Why are you the one apologising? You didn’t do anything wrong. I seem to remember being the one mistakenly thinking it would be funny to hold your hand earlier.”

“Well, I also went along with it. I’ll admit, I thought it was actually pretty funny given how she was acting at lunch, but now it looks like we’ve dug ourselves into a bit of a weird hole here.”

Shepard let out a sigh. “Yeah,” she dragged out. “I’m not really sure how we’re going to get out of this one,” she said with a smirk, trying to at least find the humour in it.

“After what she just saw, I don’t know if there is a way out of it. When she’s convinced of something, it’s hard to sway her mind,” Kaidan said with a small laugh. “I just don’t want you to feel uncomfortable about us waking up like that, and her making assumptions.”

She did feel uncomfortable, but not because of any of that. The more significant issue for her was how strong her feelings for Kaidan had become. It was the same reason she worried about coming out here this whole time. She could ignore how she felt about him when she was stuck in London, but with everything that’s happened since seeing him in Vancouver again, it was becoming increasingly more difficult to deny how she felt.

“It was an honest mistake. I don’t particularly mind, I just hope that it doesn’t cause problems for you,” she countered.

“Nah, I can’t imagine that it would. I’m almost certain that Maisie’s already told the rest of the family, but they tend to leave well enough alone. I honestly don’t know if they’d believe her or not, but I do know they won’t make as big of a deal out of it if they do. At least they won’t be rubbing it in.”

Shepard nodded in acknowledgement, accepting that answer. She figured with everything Maisie had seen, it could lead to that kind of thing anyway.

“Are you sure you’re okay with all of this?”

Shepard smiled sympathetically at that. Now she was also upset for making Kaidan feel guilty about everything. “It’s really not a big deal. I’m still just grateful to have a place to stay for now, so I don’t mind putting up with some harmless rumours, especially when I’m the one that poked the fire in the first place. We should probably quit joking around, though,” she said, not wanting to make matters worse.

Kaidan nodded in agreement. “Probably a good idea,” he said as they finally reached the house. “But anyway, I suppose now is as good a time as any to show you my old room.”

“After you,” Shepard said with a smile as they went into the house and up the stairs, the old wood creaking under their feet as they went.

They finally reached a door that Shepard had to presume went to Kaidan’s room. He opened it and stepped in, waiting for her to follow. The first thing she noticed was the bed. That’s right. She had forgotten that they would have to be sharing.

“Don’t worry, we’ll figure something out,” Kaidan said, noticing Shepard studying the sleeping arrangements.

The bed was big enough for both of them. Shepard had half a mind to say that they’d already fallen asleep together on the couch, so what was sharing a bed at this point? She thought better of it, but that didn’t change the fact that the bed was, in fact, big enough for the two of them.

“We can sleep head to toe. Just like in combat training, right?” Shepard said, punching him in the arm lightly, and incredibly awkwardly, as though he were her guy pal, reminiscing about the old days in the Alliance. She immediately regretted it and wanted to chastise herself for not knowing how to handle herself around him. She was upset for acting like this was some school-aged crush again. She kept her mouth shut, knowing that if she let anything escape it, her voice would crack. Luckily, Kaidan didn’t seem to react as though it were all that strange.

“Only if you’re sure.”

“I’m sure,” she said after clearing her throat awkwardly.

“All right, I guess that solves that. I’ll take the foot.”

Still being chivalrous as always. At least that wasn’t the worst compromise in the world, so Shepard just accepted the offer graciously.

“There’s an ensuite bathroom over here, which was a blessing growing up with three sisters.”

Shepard laughed at that. She wasn’t much for vanity, but she knew it could still take a long time to get ready, and she could imagine that it would have been a pain having to fight over the bathroom with three sisters. “I guess I’m lucky that I mostly only ever had to share one with my mom,” Jane said with a smile.

“Yeah. It was never fun when we all went to the apartment in Vancouver. We didn’t have the luxury of having so many bathrooms there,” he said, looking through the closet. “Looks like mom already brought our bags up,” he said, pointing to them on the shelf. “Otherwise, this is it. This is where I grew up,” Kaidan said with a wistful smile, pointing to the room by way of giving her permission to look around.

That encouraged Shepard to give it a proper examination. She had never really given much thought to where he must have grown up, but the more she looked around, the more she could see little pieces of him. She walked over to a poster on his wall and turned back at him.

“An Alliance recruitment poster?”

Kaidan tried to contain the smile that spread across his face. “Listen, I haven’t redecorated in a while.”

Shepard looked at him with mirth in her eyes. “I didn’t mean to tease. I had one in my room growing up, too. Mine didn’t last as long. You know, constantly reassigned to boarding school, or wherever my mom was stationed. Eventually, it just got lost in the shuffle. Otherwise, who knows? Maybe mine would still be up, too,” she said, almost surprised by the similarity. “Crazy to think we’re on these posters now, isn’t it?”

“You could say that again. When I joined the military, I didn’t exactly expect to become a face of the Alliance.”

“Yeah, me neither,” Shepard said. They both knew the problem all too well since they saw Libby’s reaction.

Shepard glanced around the room more. There were a few medals and trophies displayed and some art and pictures of his family. He had some more books and datapads organized neatly on a bookshelf with a nice desk by the window. She also noticed the blackout curtains. Probably for his migraines whenever he’d get them at home. Every little piece she picked out, felt very much like him.

“I like it,” she said as she finished looking around and turned back to him.

“Thanks. It’s nothing fancy or anything, but it was mine,” he said with a smile.

Another awkward silence passed between them, Kaidan brushing the hairs on the back of his neck with his hand.

“Well, anyway, it’s getting late,” he said. “Not sure if you’re tired or not, but I think I’m going to settle in for the night.”

“I could sleep.” It was a lie. She’d never been more awake in her life. Still, she figured being restless in bed was better than being left alone with Maisie and some potentially prodding questions that she didn’t feel like answering.

“Okay. You can have this bathroom. I’ll take the one across the hall.”

“Thanks,” she said with a smile as she brushed passed him towards her bag.

She got changed and cleaned up as fast as she possibly could, not wanting to leave Kaidan waiting on her. She made her way back out into the room and made her way over to the bed. She hadn’t even thought about it, but habit took her to the right side, where she sat down gently, almost regretting it immediately. They hadn’t shared a bed together for all that long. It was really only briefly during their shore leave after defeating Saren, but the habit of having a side of the bed had stuck. It had become her side of the bed, even when there was no one else in it, leaving space for its rightful owner.

She looked at the empty side solemnly, wondering if it would be awkward for him that she chose this side. Maybe he wouldn’t even notice. She hoped she was overthinking the whole thing.

Then he walked into the room, as though he was summoned by her thoughts, not even giving her a chance to reconsider. Her head turned towards him, trying to see if he noticed.

“Already chosen a side of the bed, I see.”

That answered her question. “Yeah. I hope you don’t mind,” was all she decided to say. Letting him in on her thoughts would do neither of them any good.

“Of course not. I’m flexible, so whatever you prefer is fine,” he said, moving to the other side.

He sat down, and Shepard could feel the bed dip slightly on the other side, his back directly to hers as they both stared at opposite sides of the room. All of the memories of them settling into bed came flooding back to her, and the tension was almost too much for her to bear.

Luckily, the torture wasn’t extended as she finally felt Kaidan grab for a pillow from the head of the bed and put it towards the foot, lifting up the blankets and settling in.

“Goodnight, Jane,” he said, prompting her to look at him. He gave her a warm smile. “Don’t hesitate to wake me if you need anything.”

She smiled back at him with a nod of acknowledgement. He took that as comfort enough to roll over onto his side, looking away from her to get comfortable. She followed suit, getting comfortable on her own side. She stared at the wall in front of her, everything about it screamed ‘Kaidan.’ Every little thing in her view, serving as a reminder for where she was and who she was with, wishing that the circumstances were different. She braced herself for the long night ahead, and finally replied, “Goodnight, Kaidan.”


	7. Chapter 7

Shepard had been staring at the ceiling for what felt like hours at this point. It was bumpy and weird. She was pretty sure it was referred to as a ‘popcorn ceiling,’ which was surprisingly fitting because that’s exactly what it looked like after staring at it for so long. At least it provided a good distraction for her relatively sleepless night, as she began to find patterns and shapes in the spackling of bumps. Or maybe it was just delirium setting in from staring at the same thing for hours. Who could really say at this point? It made her wonder how many restless nights Kaidan may have spent here doing the same thing.

The same Kaidan who was currently sleeping at her side. His feet, an arm’s reach away from her, as he had so gallantly offered to sleep with his head at the foot of the bed after her insistence to share it. She hoped that he fared better over the night than she had. He was undoubtedly sound asleep now, though, which she was grateful for. At least one of them managed to get some rest.

Shepard kept reliving the previous day’s events as she had been trying desperately to fall asleep. The nice meal with Kaidan’s family, getting to see this completely different side to him as part of a family. Seeing the cabin that he and his father built together, and listening to Kaidan finally acknowledge some of his grief. It all felt like she was intruding in his life in someone else’s place. Those were things that Kaidan should have been saving to do with someone special to him and it was making her feel guilty all over again.

She laid on the bed for another moment, realising that dwelling on everything to that degree wasn’t doing her any good. Best not to let her thoughts consume her and try to make the most of her time here. Kaidan’s family was friendly and welcoming, for the most part. The location was serene. She should be taking advantage of all of that before she threw herself back into her work, which she was sure would come sooner than expected. That was a good thought, and she figured she’d have to remind herself that this would all be over soon. Then they could move on with their lives as she had intended.

The sun had started to shine in through the window not too long ago. She figured it would be reasonable to go downstairs and distract herself, even if it was just for a change of scenery. She wasn’t sure how much more of this ceiling she could take. She sat up gently, checking on Kaidan first. He was sleeping soundly, just as she suspected. She wasn’t about to disturb him if he was able to get some rest. She got out of the bed as quietly as she could and put on her N7 hoodie. She left the room, closing the door behind her, proud that she managed to maintain her stealth skills even with her leg still not being up to its old standard and for something so simple as leaving a room without disturbing the other inhabitant.

As soon as she was in the hall, she noticed that the house was still pretty quiet. No voices muttering throughout the house or signs of anyone being awake that she could discern. It was early, after all, so she tried to be as silent as possible as she made her way down the stairs, not wanting to wake anyone else up either. As she made her way to the bottom, she decided it would be nice to go sit out on the porch and enjoy the sunrise until more people started waking up.

She made her way out, sure to close the door gently behind her.

“You’re up early,” she heard, coming from behind her.

The unexpectedness of it made her jump in surprise. Maybe she was more off of her game than she thought. She took a deep breath to regain her composure and turned towards the sound of the voice. It was Raiya, sitting on the patio furniture with a datapad in her hand.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Shepard said, with a bit of a forced smile to try to play it off. Meanwhile, she could still hear the blood rushing in her ears thanks to the shock of adrenaline. “I just didn’t think anyone was up yet. Speaking of which, you’re up pretty early yourself.”

“Yeah. Always been a morning person. Not necessarily by choice.”

“Something we have in common then,” Shepard said as she went over to the porch railing across from her and leaned against it.

“Seems like it,” Raiya said, returning her warm smile.

It was such a contrast from her attitude the previous day that Jane was almost suspicious of the behaviour. She supposed that Raiya hadn’t exactly been mean to her. She hadn’t really been much of anything towards her, so ‘nice’ was a bit of a surprise.

“Are you a coffee drinker, Jane?” she continued.

“Uh, yeah, actually.”

“I’ll go grab you a cup. How do you take it?” she said, standing up and heading towards the door.

“Black is fine. Thanks.”

“Don’t worry about it. And hey, there’s a bunch of family photos on the datapad. Feel free to take a look if you want. Don’t know if you’ve ever seen Kaidan as a baby, but there are some good ones in there,” she said with a smile, before retreating into the house to make the coffee.

Shepard’s vision lingered on the door momentarily after it shut. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to take Raiya up on that offer or not. The urge to get a glimpse into Kaidan’s early years was tempting, but it felt like she would be intruding into something personal. She finally turned to look at the datapad. Then again, looking at old family photos was something that friends shared too. Not to mention that it might seem odd if she didn’t take Raiya up on her offer.

She sat down next to where Raiya was sitting on the patio sofa and turned the datapad on. Sure enough, the pictures spanned a decent amount of time, noting a few of Kaidan when he was quite young. He was a cute kid. He looked so happy when he was little. He had the most genuine smile in every picture. The further she scrolled through the images, she noticed that his temperament began to change as he got older. He started hanging out in the back of the pictures more often and looked reluctant to want to be included. That bright smile suddenly was absent from all of them, or maybe there was a forced one at best. If she had to guess, she figured this was likely around the time his biotics started manifesting.

He had clearly been through a lot in his life. Especially being so young, and with biotics being so new, he must have felt incredibly out of place. It was sad to think of that only being the first of many difficult things he’s overcome since.

She continued to flip through the pictures. Not too much longer than that, he was absent from the images altogether. She figured it was likely due to him being on Gagarin Station. She found herself quickly scrolling through those ones. Not that she didn’t like seeing the rest of Kaidan’s family grow up, but she was more curious about him.

A decent way down the list, she finally got to one with him and his dad standing in front of the cabin proudly. They must have just finished it, construction materials still strewn about. Kaidan had a genuine smile on his face again. One that must have been hard-earned after what he had just been through. The cabin in and of itself would have been an amazing feat to overcome. Knowing the history behind it now, and why Kaidan was building it in the first place gave real meaning to his smile in that picture. It seemed like he was genuinely starting to heal. 

Kaidan’s dad looked especially proud, his arm securely wrapped around Kaidan’s shoulder, with a solemnly happy look about him. Surely, it was a moment to be cherished for Kaidan’s dad, and as happy as he was, he also looked sad for their time building the cabin together to have come to an end. It made her wish even more that she could have met the man, figuring at least in the absence of that, she’s glad to have been able to get to know Kaidan, who has likely inherited a more substantial part of his father than he knows.

She lingered on that picture a moment longer, remembering the previous day’s events. It made her happy that he had such a supportive environment after coming home from Jump Zero to ensure the best outcome for him. She flipped through a few more rather quickly until she saw Kaidan proudly displaying the Alliance uniform. It was truly amazing to see how much a single image could say about a person because she could already tell the new sense of purpose and pride he held while wearing it. She also noticed the more she flipped through the images, the more he resembled the man that she remembered meeting that first day on the Normandy. His appearance in the photos was becoming more scarce once again, figuring he only showed up in them during the time he was on shore leave at this point.

She slowly scrolled through the photos now, not entirely sure if she wanted to continue. One of these ‘shore leaves’ would have been after Alchera. She knew the kind of pain her death had caused him, and she wasn’t sure if she wanted to see the aftermath, yet she persisted. As she scrolled to the next image, she recognized the living room that was on the other side of the wall that this patio sofa was up against now. He was sitting alone in one of the armchairs next to the window. His feet propped up as he was gazing outside, looking like he barely noticed whoever was taking the picture. She had never seen him look quite so empty. 

She began to lose herself to his pained expression. She knew about survivor’s guilt first-hand, and she knew that she was the cause of Kaidan going through that himself, but somehow this looked more profound than just survivor’s guilt. He looked like a man whose future was shattered. Maybe she was projecting her own feelings now. Either way, it reassured her that she made the right choice at Apollo’s, guaranteeing that she would never be the cause of that pain for him again.

The sound of the door opening startled her back to the present. At least this time, she was pretty sure she managed to withhold from jumping at the noise.

“Here’s your coffee. Sorry it took so long. Mom has a special reserve to bring out when we have guests. It was the perfect excuse to make myself some too, but I had a hard time finding it,” Raiya said as she handed Shepard a steaming mug.

Shepard offered her a small smile at the gesture. “Thanks. I appreciate the extra effort,” she said, as she set the datapad on the table before accepting the mug.

As Raiya moved to sit next to her, she glanced at the image being displayed on the datapad.

“Ah, that picture,” she said, as she blew on her own mug to cool the coffee down before taking a sip. “I was actually the one that took that.”

Shepard didn’t know what to say to that, so she just glanced in Raiya’s direction, drawing circles on the surface of her mug with her thumb tentatively, waiting for her to go on.

Raiya let out a bit of a sigh before continuing. “I’m not sure if Kaidan’s told you this or not, but I’m a photographer. Always looking for something evocative,” she said in a tone that almost sounded angry with herself. “There was something so raw with his expression, I just couldn’t help myself. Now I regret stealing this moment from him every time I see it,” she said, looking back to Shepard more seriously. “This was actually right after the Normandy went down.”

“I had a feeling this must have been around that time.”

Raiya nodded in confirmation. She looked like she was mulling something over as she took a sip of her coffee. “I guess that confirms that,” she said, sounding mildly hostile.

Shepard wanted to flinch at the bitterness of it. “Confirms what?” she asked, keeping her resolve.

“We all had a feeling he was seeing you back then. Well, I guess we didn’t know it was  _ you _ for sure, but someone from the Normandy at least. Mom always thought it was you, though.” Raiya studied Shepard’s features momentarily after that. If Shepard had to guess, it was to try to find any denial to the accusation, but Shepard wasn’t about to lie about their past. “Kaidan’s a secretive person, you know, so he never confirmed our suspicions. Dad kept trying to brush it off as survivor’s guilt and kept telling us not to gossip behind his back while he was going through something so difficult. It worked, because we all ended up giving him his space after that, but still, as secretive as Kaidan likes to think he is, he also wears his heart on his sleeve. Even though we stopped talking about it, we all knew that there was more to it than his guilt from living.”

Shepard looked down into her coffee silently. She was usually tactful with her words and could whip out a response to anything, but for once, she found herself unsure of what to say.

A moment of silence passed between them before Raiya let out a sigh. “Maisie told me what she saw yesterday. The hand-holding. Catching you two in the cabin.”

“Raiya-” she said, wanting to explain how everything was being misinterpreted. She knew it wouldn’t have done any good now, their circumstances being hard to believe after what Maisie saw.

Raiya put up her hand, stopping Shepard in her tracks. “It’s okay, Jane. You really do seem like a good person, and Kaidan seems happy with you, but I feel like I have to say something here.”

Shepard had no idea what to even say in this situation, so she maintained her silence, willing to hear her out.

“If he’s gone back to you, I have to assume that you’ve worked through whatever happened between you two. I know you must have your own side of it. I’m not even going to pretend to know what it must be like to be a Spectre or an N7, or that I know the intricacies of what actually happened to you, whether you were on some sort of secret mission, or in a coma or whatever. But you have to know that he legitimately thought you died. That affected him deeply. It took him more than a year to start to try to move on in any way that was healthy. He closed himself off from everyone. He buried himself in his work, and anytime he was around us, it felt like a piece of him was missing. Obviously, Kaidan’s not a kid. He can do what he wants, and I’ll support him - and you, if that’s truly what he wants - but I just want you to know what’s on the line. You matter to him, and I just don’t want to see someone taking advantage of him.”

Shepard wanted nothing more than to tell her that she felt the same way. That she cared about Kaidan more than she’d ever cared about anyone in her life. That it was the entire reason they’re not actually together now. That she wanted to protect him from that ever happening to him again, but she knew what things looked like between them now. She couldn’t think of any realistic way to tell her that they’re not actually together.

“Look, I’m sorry to have just dumped that on you,” Raiya said after an uncomfortable length of silence had passed between them thanks to Shepard’s contemplation. “I know that none of it is really any of my business. I guess I just need to know… Do you love him?”

Shepard wasn’t exactly sure how to respond to that either. Raiya had a right to want to be protective of Kaidan after everything that he’s gone through. She was even gracious about it, trying to be understanding of Shepard’s side of things, but she wasn’t asking a simple question. Raiya’s gaze was intense, and the silence without answering was becoming overwhelming.

“Yes,” Shepard said quietly, looking at Raiya, almost startled by the admission, herself.

They both took a moment to study each other, Shepard already regretting the words that spilled from her mouth. The hole she’d been digging for herself just got deeper. It was already bad enough with everything that Maisie had seen, but this took everything to a whole other level. She hadn’t lied with that admission, but she knew full well that she and Kaidan weren’t together, and she’d be going off on her own after this wedding was done. She figured there’s no way that it wouldn’t look like she ran off, breaking Kaidan’s heart once again.

After a moment, Raiya nodded in affirmation. “This isn’t exactly easy for me. I don’t ever want to see Kaidan go through anything like that again, but I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt because I think you’re telling me the truth. Kaidan deserves to be happy, and I think he’s found that with you.”

Shepard was still contrite for having gotten herself into this mess, but her bed was made. Now she had to lie in it. “I appreciate that,” she forced out, while her mind was in a state of pure panic. “More than you know. I don’t think there’s any way to really explain what happened, but you should know, he’s more important to me than anyone else I’ve ever been with. If there was any way I could have avoided putting Kaidan through that pain, I would have.” Now she’d really done it. What was wrong with her?

Raiya took a moment to consider that before responding. “I believe you,” she said before relaxing back into the couch a bit more and took a sip of her coffee.

Shepard followed suit, relaxing back into the couch, herself. At least her admission was convincing. Then again, she figured it was convincing because it was all true, but was that really a good thing? At the very least, the tensions had subsided. Now she’d have to explain all of this to Kaidan somehow. That didn’t change the fact that she was still here with Raiya, though, so she tried to distract herself with her coffee, wishing that she had never come out of Kaidan’s room in the first place.

“Damn, that is pretty good,” she said, referring to the coffee, not knowing what else to say. “Though, between the hospital coffee, and the Alliance space-grade stuff, I’m probably not all that hard to impress.”

Raiya laughed at that before turning back to her, almost looking regretful. “I kind of just dumped the whole, ‘protective older sibling’ speech on you, didn’t I?”

“Kind of,” Shepard said with a smile. “It’s okay, though. I get it.”

“No, I’m sorry. That’s not normally like me. I never really expected to do anything like that, much less to  _ Commander Shepard _ of all people,” she said with a shock of realisation. “I guess we all just feel a little protective of Kaidan. He’s been through a lot, you know.”

“I know,” Shepard said, solemnly, fully aware of the difficult life he’s had. “It’s good, though. I’m glad he has so many people that care about him and that he can rely on. You don’t have to apologise for that.”

Raiya nodded in acknowledgement. “Well, I guess with that awkwardness aside, it’ll be nice to be able to get to know you better.”

“You too,” Shepard said, almost as an automatic response. It was genuine, but also filled with complications of knowing she was about to do something resembling betraying Raiya’s trust by not actually being with Kaidan. “Now, if I could only get on Libby’s good side somehow,” she continued. She said it somewhat jokingly as she took another sip of her coffee.

Raiya laughed at that. “Hmm. Yeah, I’m afraid that one’s probably going to be a bit more difficult.” She took a sip of her own coffee, contemplating something. “Actually, I think I might have an idea. Finish your coffee, and then we’ll see what we can do about that.”


	8. Chapter 8

Raiya and Shepard made their way upstairs after finishing their coffee on the porch. Raiya still hadn’t elaborated on her plan to get Shepard on Libby’s good side. The house was still silent. None of the other Alenkos had woken up yet. Shepard was starting to fear that Raiya was about to wake Libby up to moderate some harsh discussion between the two of them. Sometimes the direct approach was the best, but Shepard wasn’t too keen on the idea, scared that waking her up in such a way would do nothing to sway Libby. Her fears were quickly alleviated when they ended up in front of Maisie’s door instead.

Raiya barged right in without so much as a single knock and sat down gently on the bed next to Maisie.

“She sleeps like a rock, so hopefully she’ll want to wake up,” Raiya said, looking at Shepard before prodding her sister on the shoulder to no avail. “I’m sure if she knew Commander Shepard was in need of her help, she’d be more interested,” Raiya said, with a raised voice, while fully shaking Maisie’s shoulder this time.

“Uuuggghhh,” Maisie said while rolling over, still not bothering to open her eyes. “Someone better be dying,” she groaned out.

“Sorry to disappoint, but I’m afraid not.”

“What do you want, then?” she said, basically slurring her speech with how tired she was.

“Jane’s here, and we need your help.”

Her eyes jolted open, and she looked towards her doorway to see Shepard standing there, waving as a greeting. Maisie promptly sat up, wondering what was going on.

“What is it?! What do you need?”

“Do you have any of that hair dye left?” Raiya asked, pointing to Maisie’s hair.

“Hair dye? That’s it? That’s what you had to wake me up for?” she asked, clearly irritated.

“Sorry. I know it doesn’t seem like something worthy of being woken up for, but I didn’t want to use any without your permission, and we’re kind of on a time crunch.”

Maisie looked over to Shepard now, with an entertained grin on her face. “Why? Trying to disappear from the Alliance, so you can run off with Kaidan or something?” Clearly, her imagination had already run wild with ideas.

“Jeez, Maisie, why are you always so dramatic?”

“I’m not dramatic,” she said, looking scornfully at her sister. “You’re just boring.”

Shepard held back a laugh, contemplating once again what a life with siblings must have been like. It was certainly interesting from this side of the conversation, at least.

“So, if it’s nothing so  _ dramatic,” _ she said with an emphasised distaste of the word, “what was so dire that you had to wake me up?”

“You saw Libby yesterday. She was practically seething at Jane.”

“You could say that again.”

“Yeah, well, the wedding is tomorrow already, but I think I’ve figured out a way to extend an olive branch.”

“By dying Shepard’s hair?”

“Well, Libby’s problem with Jane being here is that she’s too recognizable, and she doesn’t want the attention taken off of her on her big day, right? So maybe if we make her not look so much like ‘Commander Shepard,’ Libby won’t have to worry about that.”

“Hmm. Yeah, okay, maybe that’ll work.”

Shepard still hadn’t even gotten a word in edgewise, but she had to admit that the idea sounded promising. At the very least, it wouldn’t hurt anything, so it was worth a shot.

“Great, so do you still have any?”

“Psht, of course.” 

“Well, can we use it?”

“Use it? Come on. I’ll even do it for you,” she said as she flung the covers off of herself, shoving her way past Shepard, still standing in the doorway.

She walked across the hall, into the bathroom, and started rummaging around in the cupboards, Raiya and Jane following after her.

“Oooh, I think you’d look good with this,” she said, holding up a box of what looked like the rest of the blue dye she must have used in her most recent colour change.

“The point is to draw less attention to her, Maisie. Don’t you have anything a bit more basic?”

“Ugh, yeah, fine,” she said, going back to the cupboards to rummage around again. She stood up with a box in her hand, showing them the new option. “Here. I think this is about as opposite as it’s going to get while still looking natural.”

“I think that’ll work,” Shepard said, taking the box and turning it over in her hand, sounding pleased. “How long does this stuff last, exactly?”

Maisie laughed at that, eliciting a slightly worried gaze from Shepard.

“Oh, you’re serious? It’s permanent, so until your hair grows out.”

“Of course it is,” she said, slightly exasperated, handing the box back to Maisie. “Oh well. It’s not a big deal. I really don’t like the thought of ruining Libby’s wedding, so whatever it takes.”

“Well, if you don’t like the colour, we can always dye it blue after the wedding,” Maisie said teasingly as she opened the box.

* * *

As she studied herself in the mirror, Shepard had to admit it was a pretty substantial difference. She was rather pleased with the outcome, hoping it was enough to make Libby feel better.

“It looks good,” Raiya said from behind her.

“Yeah? You don’t think I’m too recognizable still?”

“I mean, you do have a pretty recognizable face,” Maisie said.

“People only really know you as a soldier, though. Maybe with some makeup and a dress, most people won’t even notice,” Raiya said.

“Hopefully,” Shepard agreed.

“My husband will be arriving later today. I didn’t get a chance to tell him that you were Kaidan’s date, so he can be our first test subject to see if this might actually work,” Raiya said with a laugh.

“Ooh, that’ll be fun,” Maisie said from behind them, as she started cleaning up all the supplies. “Make sure I’m in the room for that!”

“Sure thing,” Raiya said with a smile.

“I think I actually forgot you were married,” Shepard said, looking back towards Raiya.

“Yeah, almost 8 years now. He’s a teacher. He’s set up a school closer to our house. He’s trying to provide structure for all of the kids in town again since the war ended, so he wanted to wait to come here until a little closer to the wedding. He’ll be bringing Austin, too.”

“Your son?” Shepard asked. She vaguely remembered Kaidan telling her something about a nephew during their time together on the Normandy.

“Yup,” Raiya said with a smile. “But anyway, I think this could do the trick.”

“Unless people are a little too curious about Kaidan finally bringing someone home that they start asking a ton of questions,” Maisie said.

“I guess that’s a possibility. At least this is something, though, right? Maybe it’ll at least make sure the ceremony goes well since people won’t get a chance to mingle until the reception for the most part.”

“It’s not like I’m going to introduce myself as Commander Shepard at a wedding,” she cut in.

That made Maisie laugh. “Could you imagine? That would be hilarious. That is a good point, though. We didn’t even know you by your first name, so if you introduce yourself as Jane, maybe this actually has a good chance of working.”

“See, now we just have to get Libby on board. I’m sure she’s awake by now. Probably best to rip the bandaid off and get it over with, right?”

“I’ll go check if she’s up,” Maisie said, running over to her door and knocking urgently. Raiya and Shepard followed after her.

“What?!” came a yell from the other side.

“It’s Maisie, can I come in?”

“Yeah, fine,” they heard from the other side.

Maisie opened the door, and all but shoved Shepard into the room before closing it on the two of them.

Shepard heard a  _ “Wow, Maisie, really?” _ from behind the door, followed by a  _ “Yeah, it’s better to let them deal with it by themselves." _

Shepard would have preferred to deal with this herself anyway, but she might have liked a smoother entrance. Now she was left a little dumbfounded, standing by the door. Libby was sitting in front of a vanity, putting makeup on. The commotion made her look in the mirror towards the door to see what was going on. Shepard made eye contact with her through the reflection and gave a subtle wave.

“Uh, hi,” Shepard said, still caught slightly off guard. “Sorry about that, but I was hoping I could talk to you for a minute. Not exactly the way I would have gone about it, but here we are.”

Libby took a good look at Shepard through the mirror before letting out a sigh and turning around. “Yeah, Maisie can be... forceful,” she said, pointing towards the end of the bed, her way of telling Shepard she could have a seat.

Shepard smiled in acceptance and went to sit on the bed across from her. She was pleased by the fact that Libby didn’t sound too annoyed.

“Did you do that for me?” Libby asked, pointing to Shepard’s hair, immediately recognizing the gesture.

“Yeah. Listen, I really feel like I need to apologise. I never joined the Alliance intending to be in the spotlight. Sometimes it’s easy to forget that I’m this public figure, especially when I’m just trying to live my life, you know? The last thing I ever wanted to do was ruin your wedding.”

Libby shook her head. “I can’t believe you’re the one apologising.”

“What?”

“I think we both know I was pretty terrible to you yesterday.”

“I think I just took everyone by surprise.”

“You’re too kind. I know it wasn’t my finest moment. None of this was your fault. There’s no excuse for me being so standoffish. I’m sorry about that. My reaction wasn’t even really about you, to be honest.”

Shepard nodded slowly, accepting the apology, sensing the tension easing between them slightly. “Wait, so are you telling me I did this for nothing?” she said, pointing to her hair, laughing.

That elicited a laugh from Libby, too. “Well, not for nothing, I guess. I appreciate you wanting to make a peace offering. And honestly, I could see that creating less chaos throughout the wedding, so I’m still grateful that you did it. I’m just sorry that you felt like you _ had _ to,” she said, a little more solemnly.

“Don’t worry about it. I can always change it back later or let it grow out. It’s just hair dye. It’s not a big deal.”

Libby forced a smile at that.

“Hey, I know we only just met, but if you want to talk about it, or need extra help or anything, I’m not just here to be a bystander.”

“Thanks,” she said, looking down at her hands. “It’s just that nothing about this wedding is going how I expected it to. I think seeing you yesterday was just the straw that broke the camel’s back.”

Shepard nodded, perceiving that there was a larger issue going on. “I can understand that. But hey, you don’t owe me an explanation. I know this must be a stressful time for you.”

Libby huffed out a sigh. “You could say that again. And I may not owe you an explanation, but after the way I treated you yesterday, I kind of feel like that’s the least I can offer you. You probably didn’t know this, but I was supposed to be getting married the same week the reapers landed.”

That suddenly made a lot of sense. Of course, all of her original plans would have gone flying out the window.

“The whole family was here. Kaidan was even in Vancouver for work, and the timing was perfect since he wasn’t assigned to be off-planet for a while. It was going to be the first big family celebration since Raiya’s wedding. Dad was here…” she trailed off.

And of course, now he wasn’t. Shepard hung her head, understanding the significance of everything that had changed for Libby.

“Derek, my fiancé, enlisted almost immediately after the reapers landed, otherwise we might have just eloped. He and my dad were both shipped out so quickly, we didn’t even have the chance. Obviously, Derek made it through to the end of the war just fine, but we ended up holding this wedding off for so long now. Things have been rough with the rebuilding efforts, and Derek has been shipped out on duty more often than not, making it hard to plan anything. Kaidan was missing for so long, and Dad’s status was officially changed to KIA. The entire family was so distraught that Derek and I didn’t particularly feel like having a wedding for a while after the war.” 

“But then when Kaidan finally made it back,” Libby continued with a smile. “Everyone was so happy. There was finally a reason to celebrate something again, and I kind of thought that a wedding was a perfect excuse to get everyone together and be happy for once. But nothing feels happy right now. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m still thrilled that Derek and I are finally getting married. We’ve been waiting for so long. But nothing else feels right about it. It feels so trivial to be doing something like this when the galaxy is still rebuilding. It feels wrong, trying to celebrate when there are people that were supposed to be here, but aren’t. Dad should be here,” she said, letting out a sigh and rubbing her forehead.

“Obviously, none of this is your fault,” she amended quickly. “But I guess something about seeing you felt like it was just another wrench being thrown into my plans. It really shouldn’t have been that big of a deal. I think everything’s just been getting to me. I haven’t seen Derek for months. He wanted to help with all of this, but we decided it would be nicer to spend quality time together after the wedding rather than wasting all of our time together planning it, so we timed his leave around that. I miss him. I miss my dad. With the weight of it all… well, I guess I just overreacted,” she said as she turned back toward the vanity, looking regretful.

“Libby,” Shepard said softly to gain her attention again. “I know there’s nothing I can say that can fix everything you’re going through, but I think if there’s one lesson that we can all learn from the war, it’s that we shouldn’t squander these chances to celebrate the good things in life. I didn’t know your dad, but he seemed like a good man who valued his family more than anything. I know this is easier said than done, but I think he’d want you to be happy and enjoy your life.”

Libby nodded and turned back towards the vanity. Shepard took that to mean that Libby likely wanted some privacy, so she stood up from the bed. Before moving to leave, she went to put her hand on Libby’s shoulder as a sign of comfort.

“You don’t have to feel guilty for being happy about something so important to you.”

Libby looked up at her in the mirror and gave her a weak smile. She squeezed Shepard’s hand with appreciation.

Jane took that as her cue to leave. Right as she was about to go through the door, Libby spoke up one last time.

“Thanks, Jane,” she said, watching Jane’s face through the mirror.

“Any time,” she said genuinely. “And hey, if this doesn’t do the trick,” she said, pointing to her hair, “Then I’ll just excuse myself to try to make things as easy for you as possible.”

Libby huffed out a laugh as her smile turned into something more authentic. “It’s okay, Jane. I’m not going to make you do that, even if you do cause a scene.”

Shepard nodded in acceptance. She was glad that Libby wasn’t actually mad at her, at least.

“No hard feelings, I hope?” Libby continued.

“Of course not. I’m just glad we got to clear the air.”

“Thanks for the talk,” Libby said. “Damn, you really are diplomatic, aren’t you?”

Shepard grinned. “So I hear.”

“Well, I appreciate it,” Libby said in thanks.

“Don’t mention it,” Shepard said, taking that as her cue to leave, closing the door behind her to grant Libby some privacy.

As she closed the door, she stood in front of it silently in contemplation. It was good that she managed to fix so much, yet she was worried about the ever-growing hole she was digging herself into with everyone thinking she and Kaidan are in a relationship. It was almost easier when she thought that Libby and Raiya really didn’t like her. But now their whole mishap had gotten so out of hand. Libby was apologising, and Raiya was giving her a second chance. Kaidan’s family was nice. Too nice. She could already feel them weaselling their way into her heart just like he had. It was bad enough having feelings for Kaidan, but now she could feel herself beginning to care about his whole family.

_ ‘It’ll all be over soon,’  _ she reminded herself, as she finally decided to move somewhere that wasn’t right in front of Libby’s door. One way or another, it was true, and that damn saying would become her mantra. 


	9. Chapter 9

Shepard made her way down the stairs after her conversation with Libby. Kaidan was probably awake by now, so she figured it was as good a time as any to seek him out. As she made her way down to the foyer, she noticed some new arrivals.

"Oh, there she is," Raiya said, after hearing Shepard on the steps.

Maisie was standing behind her sister, holding a young child, presumably Austin, Raiya's son. Maisie was practically bouncing with energy and a big grin on her face. Shepard knew that her excitement was only in part for seeing her nephew again after so long. She figured it was mostly for getting to see if the fruits of her labour were effective in deceiving her brother-in-law. Shepard wasn't quite as concerned about it anymore, knowing that Libby wasn't mad at her. Still, she was interested in knowing if she could pull off being someone else all the same.

Shepard made her way to the bottom of the steps with a smile. She noticed Kaidan off to the side, leaning against the entryway to the living room. As soon as he saw her, he had a big, dumb grin on his face, clearly trying to contain any outward reaction to her new look. At least he seemed to catch on to what they were doing and didn't say anything to give away her real identity.

"Jane, this is Matt," Raiya said, drawing Shepard's attention back to them. "And that's my son, Austin."

"Hi, Austin," she said with a wave and a smile. He shyly clung to his aunt for protection. She then turned to Raiya's husband, who was distractedly struggling with all of his bags and trying to set them down, "and it's nice to finally meet you, Matt."

"Sorry, Jane, was it? We knew Kaidan was bringing someone, but I never got a name," he said, as he extended his hand as a welcoming gesture.

"Yup, that's it," Shepard said with a smile, shaking his hand.

Maisie snorted from behind them, Raiya giving her a glare that promised death if she were to give away what was going on. Matt looked at them with only slight confusion, seeming as though that was a pretty standard occurrence between the two of them.

Matt had to laugh at Shepard, shaking his head. "Well, good. Correct me if I get it wrong. I can be bad with names. It's nice to meet you too.”

Shepard offered him a warm smile in acknowledgement.

"Anyway, we should probably go put your bags away. I think Kaidan and Jane were just about to be sitting down to breakfast," Raiya said.

"Ah. Message received loud and clear," Matt said with a chuckle. "Didn't mean to be interrupting anything. I look forward to getting to know you better, Jane."

"Thanks, the feeling is mutual," she still smiled back at him kindly.

Matt nodded at her as he and Raiya went upstairs. Maisie followed after them, Austin still in her arms.

_ "So, did Jane look familiar at all?" _ Shepard could hear Maisie ask, apparently barely able to contain herself as they reached the top of the stairs.

Kaidan walked over to where Shepard was standing, and they continued to listen to the muffled conversation.

_ "Now that you mention it, she does look a little familiar. Why? Please don't tell me I already knew her and just made a fool of myself?" _

_ "Oh, you know her, all right. That was Commander Shepard,"  _ Maisie said with excitement.

_ "Haha, very funny," _ Matt said, thinking it was a joke. There was a moment of silence before he finally spoke again, this time, the tone of his voice more serious.  _ "She's joking, right?" _

_ "No, she's not. That really was Commander Shepard,"  _ Raiya confirmed.

There was another moment of silence. Shepard could almost picture the mortification that was likely on Matt's face right now.

_ "You can't be serious. And you let me act like that in front of her? She's going to think I'm an idiot! I have to go apologise." _

_ "For what? Not knowing who she was? Relax, she's cool."  _ Maisie said with a laugh, clearly finding entertainment in Matt's torment.

"Should I say something?" Shepard asked Kaidan.

He had a big grin on his face, finding entertainment in the situation. "After what you guys put him through, I think he deserves to be put out of his misery."

She agreed and yelled up the stairs. "It's okay Matt, you were perfectly charming," Shepard said, hoping that was enough to suffice.

_ "They could hear all of that?!" _ Matt said, sounding horrified.

"Seriously, Matt, it's fine," Kaidan reassured.

_ "If you say so," _ he responded, not sounding convinced in the least.  _ "I don’t think I'll never be able to show my face around her ever again," _ he said more quietly. He was trying to avoid their conversation from being overheard more, but it wasn't sufficient.

Shepard decided that was enough eavesdropping for her tastes, and turned to Kaidan with a grimace, feeling bad.

"I should probably go apologise to him later. I didn't mean to be pulling one over on him," she said.

"Oh, so this wasn't meant to be a practical joke?" Kaidan asked with a shit-eating grin on his face, clearly eyeing her new hair.

"On someone I don't even know? Definitely not," she said, at least happy that Kaidan was taking a playful tone on the matter, and was making her feel better about it.

"So what's this all about then? Did coming to meet my family put you into some kind of quarter-life crisis or something? I know they can be a lot, but this is a bit over the top," he said, his smirk wider than ever.

Taking him up on his playful attitude towards it, she leaned her hip out dramatically, running her hand over her hair before flaunting it. "What, you don't like it?"

"I didn't say that." Kaidan's smile became more subdued, the playfulness leaving his eyes. "You look good," he said, looking at her seriously.

Shepard was dumbfounded by the sudden change in tone and caught off guard by the admission. She didn't know what to say, or how to take it. She figured it didn’t really matter. She was trying to avoid romantic feelings. That hadn’t changed. Who knows, maybe he was just being nice. She steeled herself, making sure to temper her response. The best she could come up with was a "Thanks.” and a half-assed smile. “So, uh, did I hear something about breakfast?" she asked, avoiding eye contact.

"Uh, yeah," he said, pointing towards the coffee table and sofa in the living room. "Mom and I cooked. I grabbed us some plates."

"Great! I'm starving," she said, making way for the couch, not wanting to linger on their awkwardness.

She sat down in front of the smaller plate, the other one obviously being Kaidan's helping with a much healthier size for someone with the caloric requirements of a biotic. It looked amazing. It was a full cooked breakfast with eggs, bacon and toast all arranged nicely, with a cup of coffee on the side. He likely didn't know that Shepard already had a cup earlier. She wouldn't complain, though, especially after the lack of sleep for the majority of the previous night. It all felt luxurious compared to the colourless oatmeal that the hospital usually served her thanks to their low rations on just about everything else. She waited for Kaidan to sit next to her before she started eating. She grabbed a strip of bacon and let out an audible sigh as she slumped back into the couch.

"Damn, Kaidan, your family sure knows how to cook."

"The bacon was all me. I told you I was good at it."

"Hmm, well, I suppose you didn't have any garlic to burn this time," she said teasingly.

"Hey, now, that was a good steak."

She let out another sigh at the memory, "Yeah, it really was," she smiled at him, lost in the nostalgia of it. "That was a good day," she said. One of the only good days throughout the war, in no small part, thanks to him. She wouldn't ever want to go back to that time for so many reasons, but she missed the camaraderie they shared while they were still on the Normandy together. In a lot of ways, this felt like that. Except, now it was filled with a lot of awkwardness and regret.

He leaned back into the couch, too, his own strip of bacon in hand. "It was, wasn't it?" he said with a smile that Shepard matched before the conversation dulled into them both enjoying their breakfast. Neither of them particularly wanted to revisit memories of the war. After a few bites, Shepard turned to Kaidan, noticing that he had been staring at her.

"What?" she asked, noticing his look of amusement returning.

"So, I have to assume that this is why you disappeared this morning," he said, finally pointing to her hair again.

Shepard laughed, realising that she still hadn't given him an explanation. "Ah, right. Yeah. Kidnapped by your sisters, I'm afraid. I only just managed to make an escape for it right before coming down here."

"That explains a lot. So what happened? Did Maisie force you to do it? I can have a talk with her if she's bothering you. I mean… more than she's already been causing trouble."

"Oh, no. No need for that. Aside from the whole misunderstanding, your family's been great. Really. I actually did this for Libby. With Raiya and Maisie's help, of course."

"Ah, okay," he said, finally putting all of the pieces together. "That makes a lot more sense now. Has she seen it yet?"

"She has," Shepard nodded.

"And how did that go?"

"Surprisingly well, actually. She's just having a bit of a rough time, but I think things have been successfully smoothed over between us."

"Good," he said, sitting back on the couch and relaxing a bit more. "That's good."

Another moment of silence passed between them.

"Everything okay?" she asked.

"I didn't say it before, but after I saw her reaction yesterday, I felt like a bit of an idiot. I think she's always felt a little left out of this family. She and I are both the middle children. That usually means we'd be the ones getting the least attention. Because of my biotics and everything that went on at Jump Zero, I got a lot of special treatment from the family. I think that resulted in her feeling completely left out most of the time when we were growing up. This wedding was supposed to be about her, and now I've gone and taken that too."

Shepard nodded at that in quiet contemplation. She could understand the predicament. Maybe it wasn't all fun and games growing up with a lot of siblings after all. "If it's any consolation, when I talked to her, it didn’t sound like she was upset with you. Maybe she wouldn't have told me, though, since everyone has gotten the impression that we're  _ dating _ ," she said with a weird emphasis on the word. She noticed a weird expression on Kaidan’s face that she couldn't quite read. She figured the assumptions were just getting to him too. "But anyway, she seems like she's putting a lot of stress on herself over everything. She misses your dad. I wouldn't be surprised if she's feeling a little alone right now, but I don't think her outburst was really about you taking her day away from her."

"Well, that's good to know, but I think I should go talk to her later all the same."

"I think she'd like that," Shepard said honestly. Libby did seem like she could use some more emotional support than she'd been getting through all of this. Maybe it would give them both a chance to talk about their dad more.

Kaidan glanced at her. It looked like he was unsure of what to say. He let out a sigh. "Can I admit something?"

Shepard looked at him, confused as her heart began to flutter. "Always."

"I'm really glad you came, even with this whole mess. When I saw you in Vancouver and heard you needed a place to stay, I was almost glad for it. I think our talk in the cabin yesterday made me realise why."

Shepard perked her head up slightly to show that she was listening intently.

"Did I tell you that this is only the second time I've seen them all since I got back to Earth?"

"No, I don't think you ever mentioned that."

"I still remember the day I got here, and it wasn't a happy one, at least, not for me."

Shepard looked at him curiously.

"Don't get me wrong, I loved seeing my family. I missed them. It was a relief knowing that they were okay, and of course, they were happy to see me. Things weren't so simple on my end, though. To them, me coming home was like an answer to their prayers. I had been MIA, so knowing that I was safe was something to celebrate. But to me, coming back to Earth was just confirmation that my dad was really gone. For them, their whole focus was me providing them with something to celebrate and be happy about. It was like I was filling a void. I couldn’t take that away from them. But the whole time I was here, it just felt like something was missing. It felt wrong. I forced my happiness for their sake, but I'll admit there was a part of me that was dreading coming back here. I guess I just liked the idea that I'd have someone else to focus on. Have a distraction so I could be that for them again when this is supposed to be a happy occasion."

Shepard paused with the severity of the statement. She could understand wanting something to make those feelings easier. She could see herself serving as a good distraction for that, though she was sad about the circumstances of why he needed one. Of course she'd be that for him, though. It was even enough to make her feel a little less regret for coming out here, knowing that her presence might make things easier on him.

"Well, you've served as a good distraction in my moment of need. Least I can do is offer you the same," she said with a halfhearted grin, hoping that it was a casual enough statement. If circumstances had been different, she'd say something like she'd always be that for him whenever he needed it, but she knew she couldn't be promising things like that anymore.

Kaidan's eyes softened at the gesture. "I'm glad I could have been that for you. But still, I'm sorry things have turned into such a mess here. I never meant for things to get so out of hand. I just hope you don't regret coming."

It was like he was reading her mind or something. Maybe she wasn't as good at hiding it as she thought she was. Of course she regretted it, just not in the way he thought. The more misunderstandings happened, the more she wished they were real. She wished that they had woken up in the cabin with smiles on their faces and light kisses as they cuddled more deeply without a care in the world, instead of quickly and embarrassingly separating themselves. She wished that she could have gone through his family photos with him at her side, hearing every one of his stories associated with them. She wished that she could hug him now while he was struggling to come to terms with losing his father. She wanted her admission to Raiya to mean something, and her efforts to appease Libby to be the first of many bonding moments. As much as she hated to admit it, she wished Maisie would get to flaunt the fact that she was right about her and Kaidan's relationship this whole time.

"Don't worry. I don't regret it," she said, practically lying straight to his face.

"Well, good. I'm glad. I'd hate for you to feel unwelcome here."

Shepard nodded at the irony of it, as she huffed out a laugh. "I think if anything, I'm probably a little too welcome."

"Right," Kaidan said with a sigh. "I'll have to figure out how to deal with everyone eventually. I'm not really sure how to get them to see reason on this one."

"That might be difficult, especially after this morning," Shepard admitted, though, she already regretted it, not knowing how to explain this one without saying too much.

"What happened this morning?"

"Oh, uh, nothing new,” Shepard amended quickly, trying to think of something. “Raiya and I just had a long discussion. Maisie had already gotten to her.”

"Ah, well, I guess I should have expected that," he said to Shepard's relief, glad that he didn’t prod more. "I don't know if it would do any good at this point, but I can call a family meeting to let everyone know we're really not together if it would make you feel better."

The thought of that gave Shepard an internal sense of panic. "I appreciate the thought, but if it's all the same to you, it might be best to leave the lectures about that until after we leave. Libby's already had enough stress with everything, and this week really should be about her. We should probably try not to add more drama than there already is," she said. She really didn't want to burden Libby with more drama, but a big part of her was worried about the ramifications from Raiya now too. She had confided in her, and telling her that there was no relationship after admitting that she loved Kaidan felt like it would be a betrayal of her trust that she was gracious to give in the first place. Shepard figured that would have the potential to add a considerable amount of drama. This was meant to be an important time for their family and she wasn't about to ruin it or make things worse for Libby. She could deal with the fallout later, after the Alenkos had all enjoyed this time together.

Kaidan looked at her more seriously after that. "Okay. If that's really how you want to deal with it, I'm fine with that. I just don't want you to feel uncomfortable while you're here."

"It's fine. I'd rather not make things any worse than they already are. If we act casually enough and just don't confirm anything, maybe they'll drop it."

Kaidan looked at her and nodded in confirmation, the air filled with silence.

"Oh, there you two are," they both heard from behind them. They sat up straight and practically whipped around, startled by the suddenness. Ada was standing at the bottom of the steps.

Kaidan and Shepard looked at each other a little shocked for not having heard her come down the stairs. They hadn't even considered that they were having this conversation so out in the open until now.

Ada staggered momentarily, as she caught sight of Shepard. "Well, you certainly look different. I hope my daughter didn't put you up to that," she said, referencing Shepard’s new hair.

"It's a long story, but don't worry about it. Nothing was done against my will," she said with a small laugh.

"I suppose I'll have to take your word for it. But anyway, there's still so much to be done before tomorrow. Would the two of you mind giving me some help?"

"Of course, mom," Kaidan said, already getting off the couch to help.

"Great. The lawn needs to be mowed, and there's a bunch of dead branches on the ground out there."

"Sure thing. But Jane's still recovering, so she should probably sit out."

"Oh, don't you worry about that. I already had plans to put her to work helping me out in the kitchen. That way, she can still take it easy."

"I don't know if you want to do that," Kaidan said with a laugh. "She's a spacer, military brat. She's used to eating rations or cafeteria food. I don't think she's cooked a day in her life."

Shepard gave him a disgruntled look as she also stood from the couch, meeting them in the foyer. "Hey! I can cook."

"Sandwiches aren't cooking," he said with a teasing grin.

"Is this supposed to be some kind of payback for saying that you burned the garlic or something?"

Kaidan gave her a defensive look. "No, nothing like that. Just want to give my mom a fair warning," he said with a smirk.

"Oh, hush. It's just food prep, Kaidan. I'm not going to make her cook anything. I'm sure she can peel some carrots," Ada said.

"That, I can do," Shepard said with a smile.

"See? Perfect," she said, giving them both a satisfied grin. "Now stop teasing her, and Jane, you can meet me in the kitchen when you're ready," she said, bustling her way over there.

"You think you'll be okay in there alone with her?" Kaidan asked.

Shepard let out a small chuckle. "I've been in plenty worse situations than food prep, Kaidan. I think I'll be fine. The carrots, on the other hand… well, we'll just have to see about that."

That brought a smile back to Kaidan's face. "I wasn't talking about the carrots, Shepard, but I think you know that. It can be intimidating to be around parents. Especially if she might have gotten the idea that we're together."

"Yeah," she said, still looking slightly amused with herself. "Well, I've already been stuck with each of your sisters at some point or another today. I'm sure I'll be fine with your mom, too."

"All right, if you're really sure."

"Something tells me there's no backing down from your mother," she said, as she went back to pick up her and Kaidan's dishes.

"There really isn't. She's a force to be reckoned with. But then again, so are you."

Shepard smiled at that. "That may be true, but it's one thing to be up against a reaper. It's another thing entirely being up against parents. I'm not so sure I could win in a fight against your mom."

"You're not instilling much confidence here, Jane. You sure you're going to be okay left alone with her?"

"It was a joke," Shepard said with a grin. "I'm sure she'll be fine."

"Okay," he finally agreed. "But if you need anything, don't hesitate to come out and flag me down."

"Thanks. I'll keep that in mind," she said as she finally walked off towards the kitchen. Kaidan's mother seemed to be the least prodding of the bunch somehow, so she really hoped it would be fine. All she had to do was keep her foot out of her mouth… Then again, maybe that was something to worry about after all.


	10. Chapter 10

Shepard watched Kaidan as he went outside to go work on the yard before she headed towards the kitchen to help Ada, dishes from their breakfast still in hand. She paused in front of the doorway, steeling herself to go in. Now that she’d thought about it, putting her foot in her mouth again was a significant risk and maybe being alone with Kaidan’s mother wasn’t as safe as she’d been making it out to be.

Whether she’d be putting her foot in her mouth or not, time was wasting, so she pushed herself to go into the kitchen. Ada was already busy at work preparing everything. She was pulling out baking dishes, utensils and all sorts of ingredients. Thanks to the war ending, and everyone still trying to rebuild society, Shepard figured that luxuries like catering businesses were probably not a priority right now. This wedding wasn’t supposed to be huge by any means, but she knew there was going to be a decent amount of people there. That ensured that there was plenty to do in the kitchen, which didn’t ease the unsettled feeling in her stomach at all, knowing that she might be stuck here helping with prep all day. It provided much more time for something else to go wrong.

“Ah, there you are,” Ada said, turning around to glance at Shepard, still busy getting everything out to prepare. “You can just put those dishes in the sink for now. We’ll have plenty needing to be washed by the end of all this prep work,” she said as she turned back to pulling out more ingredients and recipes.

Shepard followed her orders, like the good soldier she was, placing the dishes down gingerly and washing her hands.

“So, what are we making?”

“Well, there’ll be a lot,” Ada said with a laugh tinged with a bit of frustration at the notion. “Luckily, some of my friends have agreed to come cook everything tomorrow, so we won’t have to worry about it. Still, I want to try to prep as much as I can today to make their lives easier. The one we’ll start with is my famous glazed carrots. It’s one of the sides that Libby wanted. In the fall, we make apple cider and store it in the freezers so it can last a while. We still have a batch from the last harvest that somehow made it through the war. I use that as a marinade with some spices and butter. I don’t usually like tooting my own horn, but it’s delicious,” she said with a proud smile.

“I can’t say that I’ve ever had anything like that before, but it sure sounds good,” Shepard said, legitimately intrigued with the idea of it. She supposed anything was better than what she was used to lately, but she’d already sampled Ada’s cooking and she couldn’t imagine anything coming from her tasting bad.

“I’m not going to lie, it’s one of my favourite dishes. I was happy to know that Libby thought of it fondly enough to have it at her wedding. That being said, I’m used to making it for a family of six, not for a gathering of more than fifty people, so I think we have our work cut out for us. Kaidan’s sure capable of tucking a lot of it away, too, so we also have to account for that,” she said with a laugh.

“It sounds like we should get to it then. Where do you want me?”

“I already have you set up over here,” Ada said, lightly slapping a pile of bagged carrots that she had put on the large island in the centre of the kitchen. It had barstools on the opposite side. “I figured this would be the easiest. You can sit or stand as you please when you need to give your leg a rest.”

Shepard nodded and went over to the other side and sat down on one of the stools. Her leg was feeling okay, but she thought it best to rest it in case she might be up and busy helping more tomorrow morning before the wedding.

“How did you know it was my leg?” Shepard asked curiously.

“Hmm?” Ada asked, confused.

“I mentioned that I was injured before, but I don’t think we ever specifically mentioned that it was my leg.”

“Ah. Well, I didn’t always help run the orchard, you see,” she said with a wistful smile.

“Oh?” Shepard said, opening the bags of carrots and picking up the peeler.

“Here, put the shavings in this,” she said, handing Shepard a bucket. “We’ll use those for the compost later. I used to be a nurse. I got my start in the Alliance, too, actually.”

“Really?” Shepard looked up to her in disbelief. She wasn’t expecting that. “I’m surprised Kaidan never mentioned that.”

“Ah, he was probably doing that to grant mercy on me,” she said with a chuckle. “I was only enrolled very briefly, mind you, and this was way back in the earlier days of the Alliance when there was much less interplanetary travel. I’ve still never been off-planet. I’m sure you can’t even imagine what that’s like,” she said, giving Shepard a smile.

Shepard chuckled. “Not really. I was born in space. Spent most of my life there.”

“Sounds amazing,” Ada said, giving her a smile. “Then again, I think anything opposite from what you’re used to is bound to sound a little amazing. Maybe it’s nothing but routine for you.”

“There’s definitely some truth to that,” Shepard agreed. “I don’t know if I would quite call it routine. With my job, there was rarely ever a dull moment, but yeah, I would say space is what I’m used to. Probably doesn’t hold the same amount of wonder as it would for someone who’s never been up there. Meanwhile, seeing where you live has been pretty stunning. Not that I’ve never been ground-side, but every place I go is so unique. I haven’t seen anything quite like this before.”

Ada nodded in agreement.

“I’m not sure if you’re just trying to change the subject on me, but you can’t bring up being in the Alliance and not tell me that story,” Shepard said with a curious smile.

“Ha, I should have expected that I wouldn’t be able to pull one over on Commander Shepard,” she said with a laugh. “I suppose my reason for joining the Alliance was the same reason that a lot of people joined. I wanted to get into the medical field. I had already gone to school, but the Alliance was offering a program where they’d reimburse education expenses. It would have helped me a lot at the time, so I decided to give it a shot. Maybe you guessed it by now, but it’s how I met Ethan,” she said, with a whimsical smile.

Shepard stopped peeling the carrot and stared at her, surprised that Kaidan would have kept such a secret about how his parents met, especially with how familiar it was to their own circumstances. “Forbidden romance?” she asked, intrigued.

“You could say that, though, I think it’s probably even worse than you’re thinking. It wasn’t just the regs that were an issue. Ethan was a patient of mine. Not very ethical of me, I know,” she said with the same shit-eating grin that Kaidan had. As much as she was talking about ethics, she clearly found the situation amusing, which made Shepard smile.

“So, what was it? Love at first sight? Did you leave the Alliance so you could be together?” Shepard questioned with a smile.

“Oh no, nothing like that at all, actually. We maintained a respectable distance even though I was quite taken with him even early on. The first time I ever saw him, he came into medical with a sprained ankle from training. I don’t know what he did to it, but it looked like a cantaloupe and must have hurt like hell. Even through the pain, he was cracking jokes the whole time. We hit it off immediately, but we didn’t act on anything until much later. After he recovered, he’d come around every now and then to catch up. Sometimes he’d bring me a coffee. Actually, he’d bring them for everyone on my shift, but I’m pretty sure it was an excuse to see me. He never did it when I wasn’t there.”

Shepard couldn’t help herself from smiling at that. From everything she’d heard over the last few days, Kaidan sounded like he was the spitting image of his dad.

“We’d chat on my breaks, but we never started anything romantic that early on, no,” she said, looking sombre recounting old memories. “No, you see, there’s this little hangup when you join the Alliance. Even when you just want to be in medical or engineering or anything not involved in the actual combat, you need to at least have basic weaponry certification. Let’s just say, my certification classes didn’t go very well. I kept screaming every time a gun went off. The first time I had to actually fire a weapon, not only did I scream again, but I also dropped the gun because I was so scared of it and proceeded to pass out. When I came to, I believe I asked if I shot anyone, to which I heard the whole class laughing behind me. Luckily the guns automatically go into safety mode when you lose contact with it.” she said, looking directly at Shepard, distracting herself away from her busy hands momentarily. “But look who I’m talking to. Of course, you know all of that already. Anyway,” she continued, looking back down at the food, starting to work with it again, “I was so panicked that I didn’t remember it at the time, and I was concerned I may have killed someone. So as you can imagine, I was discharged pretty swiftly after that. I wasn’t all that disappointed, mind you. I didn’t have much hope for myself to get over that fear. Yet another area that I suspect we’re different,” Ada said with a smile, no harshness behind her words.

Shepard smiled at that, as she peeled the carrots. “You could say that,” she said.

“Yes, well, as soon as Ethan learned that I had been discharged, he looked me up and asked me out. He really didn’t waste any time with that. I suppose the rest is history. I wasn’t particularly proud of my time in the Alliance, so I think my kids tend to keep that piece of information to themselves for my sake. Now anyway. There was a fair amount of teasing when they finally learned about it for themselves. I may not have been any good at it, but the Alliance is pretty important in the Alenko household.”

“Now, there’s something that we have in common,” Shepard said.

“Oh, is that right? I was never fond of the term, but Kaidan did call you a ‘military brat’ earlier. So you come from an Alliance background, yourself, then do you?”

“I do. My parents were both Alliance. Dad died for the cause.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Ada said genuinely.

“It’s okay. It was a long time ago. I barely knew him.” Ada nodded at that, not wanting to open old wounds. “My mom’s still going strong, though. She’s an Admiral now.”

“Impressive. She already sounds like an amazing woman.”

“She is. She worked hard for it. But anyway, back to you. I believe you were trying to tell me how you picked up on the fact that it was my leg that was injured.”

“Ah, right. I tend to lose my train of thought easily. After I was discharged from the Alliance, that didn’t change my original plans of working in the medical field. I saw more than my fair share of cases like yours. I think you hide it well. It’s hardly visible, but I can tell that your leg is still bothering you. I’m not sure what happened to you, but it must have been severe if you’ve only just been released from the hospital recently.”

Shepard stopped peeling for a moment, trying hard not to relive the Citadel collapsing on top of her, or the months of surgeries and physical therapy. “Yeah, you could say that.”

Ada had been measuring out ingredients and mixing the marinade the entire time that she had been talking, but that was enough to make her stop and look at Shepard.

“Has anyone told you how much they appreciate what you’ve done?”

“All the time,” Shepard said dryly.

“I suppose that’s not to be unexpected. I have a feeling most people don’t understand the full extent of your sacrifice and duty when they say that, though.”

Shepard looked up at her then, carrot and peeler still idle in her hands.

“Kaidan told us about the Reapers, you know. I mean way back in ’83.”

“He did?”

“Oh, yes. He told me a lot about his time serving with you. How cold was Noveria, by the way? It’s notorious for its harsh weather. Kaidan called me afterwards. He clearly had the sniffles. I told him to wear a sweater,” she said, shaking her head at the memory. “You know what, nevermind. I’m already losing track again,” she said, as Shepard had to silently laugh to herself. “Anyway, that was all years ago now. I think the right people put money towards squashing the rumours that there was a threat. Most people moved on with life as though nothing happened after the Citadel was attacked. But there were some of us who questioned things. People got wind of something going on. I asked Kaidan if he believed they were dangerous and he told me that he believed they were. He told us about all the push-back you were getting, but as far as we were concerned, it was all I needed to hear on the matter. It’s the reason that Ethan jumped so quickly to go back into the Alliance when they finally landed. He knew everything was at stake because his son said so.”

Shepard nodded, already knowing Mr. Alenko’s fate thanks to that dedication, not really knowing what to say to a grieving widow about loss. She had never experienced anything quite like that. She figured Kaidan was actually better equipped to handle that one.

Ada shook her head, looking out the large kitchen window. Shepard turned to see what she was looking at and noticed that she was watching Kaidan working outside.

“Ethan and Kaidan were so alike in so many ways. Ethan never backed down from a fight when he was able to protect the things he loved. The moment I heard about Kaidan joining the Normandy again after becoming a Spectre, I always thought there might have been something more to it. Of course, I would have expected Kaidan to jump at the chance to really try to make a difference during the war no matter what, especially when fighting the Reapers was so important to him, but there was more to it than that. I knew he had someone important in his life.”

Shepard looked back to Ada then, another pang of guilt hitting her. Apparently, the misunderstanding had gotten to her too.

Ada must have caught the look on her face and put her hands up in protest. “It’s none of my business. I know my kids have been squabbling about the two of you since you got here, but you don’t have to explain yourself to me. Kaidan said you’re not together, and I’ll take his word for it until he’s the one to say otherwise. But my point still stands. There’s something between the two of you. Maybe not a romance, but he cares for you. You’re important to him.”

That immediately calmed Shepard down. She liked Ada’s relaxed attitude towards the whole matter. Finally, she nodded in agreement. “He’s important to me too.”

“So I thought. A mother can tell these things,” she said with a cheeky grin. “He may not have said so in words, but it was pretty clear how much he cared about you, even back then. Every time we managed to have a vid call, I always asked him how he was doing. Without fail, he always had this smile that you could tell he was trying to hide a little, but the truth was really in the eyes. You know, eyes have a harder time lying, and his were always beaming. It was the same thing after he joined the Normandy for the second time. To be honest, I wasn’t surprised at all when Kaidan came walking through that door with you,” she said, nodding her head towards the front door. “When he called me to tell me he was bringing someone to the wedding, he had that same look in his eyes.”

Shepard tried to avert Ada’s gaze, and busy herself with the carrots then, but she couldn’t help a small smile forming at the knowledge. Even if it wasn’t because he had romantic interests for her, it felt nice that he still cared, and was happy at the prospect of bringing her back home with him.

“See,” Ada said, enthusiastically, making Shepard glance back up to her, still trying to peel the carrots in her hand. “The eyes don’t lie.”

That brought out a real smile from Shepard, unable to contain it now.

“Ah-ha,” Ada said, completely happy with herself, acting as though she caught Shepard with her hand in the cookie jar, before relaxing again. “Don’t worry. I said I’d stay out of it and I will. But it’s nice to know that whatever it is that you have with my son is reciprocated,” she said with a smile.

“It is.”

Ada nodded at that before looking back to what she was doing while Shepard winced inwardly with yet another pang of guilt, knowing that it wasn’t  _ exactly _ reciprocated. That maybe it could have been if she hadn’t rejected him at Apollo’s so foolishly. That now, it was just her awkwardly fawning after him in her head while having to go out of her way to put up a wall between them. Luckily, Ada didn’t seem to notice her reaction as she continued the conversation.

“Back in ’83, I didn’t know it was you, of course. We didn’t even know much about his mission at all, but anytime we talked to him, he was always just... happy. Usually, with those same eyes you just had.”

“Really?” Shepard asked, already knowing it was true. That was the one and only time in their history together where they ever acted on anything. Where they abandoned the regs and said what they felt. It was the only time she let herself get that close to anyone.

“Oh, you better believe it. And it’s the same look I got from him during the war, too, right up until the very end,” she said with a smile. “And you want to know a secret?” she asked coyly. Shepard didn’t respond, and just looked up to her with curiosity. “It’s the same look I saw in him this morning when we were making breakfast together, too. He’s almost a different person around you,” she said, going about the preparations.

“What was that about not meddling?” Shepard asked, keeping the accusation playful.

“Not meddling, just figured you might want to know,” she said defensively.

Shepard narrowed her eyes at Ada, knowing precisely what she was getting at. Truth be told, she really didn’t know what to think of that information. She liked to think she was a different person around Kaidan too, but that didn’t necessarily have romantic implications. Maybe it didn't even matter. The regs were still an issue. She still hoped to be back on active duty again someday. Just because she made it out of the war didn’t mean death wasn’t a possibility anymore. Nothing about their relationship or history was easy. She didn’t know that what she’d just heard really changed anything.

“Now that I’ve talked you into oblivion, why don’t you tell me about space?” Ada said, with an err of genuine excitement and interest. “And your mother, too. I think we all know a bit about Commander Shepard, but why don’t you tell me about Jane,” she said with a smile.

With that, the solemn feeling that had settled in Shepard’s gut lifted slightly. Talking about Kaidan and long-lost wishes she wanted to be fulfilled was difficult. She wasn’t ordinarily fond of talking about herself, but it might serve as a good distraction in this case. Once again, her mantra played in her head.

_ ‘This will all be over soon.’ _


	11. Chapter 11

The morning of the wedding was finally here. Luckily, Shepard had a much more restful sleep than the previous night. She made matters so much worse in pretty much every way that she could, that she had almost expected to have another sleepless night being tormented by the memories of it. She figured the exhaustion from not getting any sleep the night before probably helped on that front at least, and she was grateful for it now. It would be a long day of celebration and she didn’t particularly want to feel like she needed a nap in the middle of it all.

She didn’t have much of a chance to see Kaidan since their breakfast the previous day. Both of them were busy with their individual tasks to help prepare everything. Kaidan had mowed the lawn and cleaned up the most visible part of the orchard. When he had finished with that, Ada got him to hang lights along the treeline and in the barn where the reception would be. Meanwhile, Ada had kept Shepard busy preparing more food for the events today. Part of which, she was glad to have Matt’s help with so she could apologise for pulling one over on him. All of that was followed by a very quick rehearsal of the ceremony where Derek was remoting in by drone in the middle of his transport towards the BC interior. It was a pleasant day, but busy. They barely had enough time to eat dinner before crashing to bed. At least it made their night routine a little less awkward, both exhausted enough to fall asleep almost immediately.

They already had a quick breakfast with the entire family this morning. Libby shared the news that Derek landed safely at his friend’s house the previous night. He was opting to uphold the tradition of not seeing each other on the day of the wedding. Everyone had rushed through their breakfasts to help with last-minute tasks. Everything had come together nicely and it was finally that time in the day that everyone was meant to be getting dressed up and ready.

Shepard was generally the type to go without makeup or stick to the basics in her everyday life, but as per Maisie and Raiya’s advice, today she was going all out. Raiya gave her an old dress that she didn’t want anymore. Luckily they were the same size because she foolishly realised that she hadn’t brought anything to wear. Not that it would have mattered if she had remembered, since everything she owned was Alliance or N7 provision. Nothing tasteful for a wedding other than a dress that advertised her N7 status, which wouldn’t have been helpful with her trying to blend in. So, she was grateful that one of Kaidan’s sisters was the same size as her and that Raiya was willing to let her borrow something. Ada had let her borrow a necklace and some earrings that went well with the dress. She also put on the most tasteful makeup that she knew how to do. As she was putting on the final touches, she realised that she was pretty pleased with the outcome. She really didn’t look like herself. At least not to her. It was a rather uncharacteristic look on her to be so dressed up, but she figured it served its purpose well. She didn’t think anyone would recognize her like this. Not easily anyway, which was precisely what she wanted.

This whole time, she was getting ready in Kaidan’s bathroom. She was thankful for it, not having to worry about intruding on his sisters using all of the other ones to prepare, but it meant that Kaidan was also getting ready just beyond the door. She could picture him putting on a nice suit and tying up a tie. She had never seen him in formal attire other than his blues and she already knew how nicely he filled those out. It made her wish she could be the one tying his tie. She wished they were both giving their opinions on clothes as they picked them out together as they got ready in the same room. 

She huffed out a sigh of frustration. This trip was getting to her. She gave herself one last look in the mirror, pleased with how she looked, before walking to the door. She hesitated to open it, scared to potentially be walking in on Kaidan in the middle of getting dressed. She knocked lightly to make sure it was okay. It felt strange doing so. You don’t typically knock from the inside of a bathroom. Still, she’d rather do that than cause even more awkward situations between the two of them.

“It’s okay, you can come out, Jane,” she heard him say from the other side.

She walked out cautiously nonetheless and saw him sitting on the edge of the bed, already waiting for her for some time by the look of it. He stood up to greet her in a very gentleman-like manner and eyed her from head to toe, tastefully. It felt like he was doing it more out of curiosity and wonder at how different she looked, rather than revelling in her new appearance. She couldn’t help herself from doing the same, admiring how nice he looked in a suit. His blues made him look so distinguished, but his suit had the added nicety of this being casual. Like they were just enjoying their lives like ordinary people. Wishful thinking.

She lost focus with her eyes on his lapels, imagining that if things were different, she would have gone over there and grabbed him by them and gently pulled him into a soft kiss. She would have straightened out his tie, just for a chance to be closer to him for even a moment, because he’s done a perfect job of it all by himself. They would have smiled at each other, looking forward to a day full of celebration. She supposed there was no reason she couldn’t still do that last one. The thought of it finally let her notice that she was staring, lost in thought at what could have been, so she did just that and smiled at him.

“You clean up nicely,” she said.

He let out a chuckle. “You’re not so bad, yourself,” he said with a sincere smile.

“Thanks,” she muttered, with a forced smile. She was never good at accepting compliments. “So, did you get a chance to talk to Libby yesterday?”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “You were right. She wasn’t mad, but I think she appreciated me apologising all the same. It was a good heart-to-heart, and I think it helped her feel better. It was good for us.”

“Sounds like it,” Shepard said with a genuine smile.

“She uh… She even asked me to walk her down the aisle. Well, me and mom. I wasn’t really expecting that. I love her, but we weren’t the closest, growing up. I wasn’t even sure she wanted anyone to do it. She said she had been questioning it for a long time, but she hadn’t even gotten the chance to ask dad. She didn’t want to be thinking about missed opportunities and lost chances the whole time she’s actually walking down the aisle. She said she felt too alone walking down the aisle during the rehearsal and she didn’t want to feel that way when it was the real thing. It meant a lot to me that she asked.”

Shepard offered a solemn smile, knowing that as lovely as that was, it was at the expense of Kaidan taking his father’s place. She was glad that he’d get to be doing that for her and that they had each other while trying to navigate this new life without him. She figured this must be very bittersweet for him, remembering their conversation the previous. This was just more of that void that Kaidan was now filling for the rest of his family, taking the place of someone else. Of course Kaidan would love having an offer like that and would do anything to make his sister feel loved on her wedding day, but she imagined this must have hurt him a bit too.

“That’s really sweet, Kaidan. How do you feel about it?”

“Uh, better than I thought I would, actually.” He said it with a kind of hesitance, knowing that those words meant he was finally addressing his grief which was a big step, but also with a genuine and soft smile. “I don’t know that I could have said that if you hadn’t been here,” he admitted quietly.

“Then I’m glad I came,” she said, matching his smile.

Kaidan nodded at that appreciatively. “But anyway, I think things will be getting under way soon. We should probably go down. I think Derek’s here now, so I can introduce you. He’s probably been waiting to meet you. We can mingle a bit before the ceremony starts and then I can show you where you can sit since I’ll have to come back here and wait with Libby.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Shepard said.

Kaidan nodded, prompting them to leave the room and make their way out to the orchard where guests had already started gathering. In lieu of a band, they had a drone at the back of the seating area playing soft music that reminded her of Glyph. A beautiful arch was set up right in front of the trees in the orchard, and the mountains were visible beyond them, creating a spectacular view for the guests. It was a lovely setup. Once again, Shepard marvelled at how perfect it all was. A fantastic view with sentimental meaning. She couldn’t think of a better place for them to be declaring their love for each other.

As they made their way through the crowd, a few people stopped Kaidan here and there. All of them said some variation of “Finally brought someone home, eh?” Or “There’s going to be a lot of disappointed people out on the dance floor this evening.” It did nothing to quell her feelings of regret about the confusion. If she didn’t know any better, Kaidan even seemed a little phased by it. She knew he wasn’t about to be challenging anyone on their misconceptions today, though. He didn’t want to add drama or make today about him, so he just smiled and nodded before moving on to other people, but she couldn’t help but notice a solemness about him now that wasn’t there before.

Finally, they got up closer to the seating area and a man in a tuxedo excitedly came up to them.

“Hey, Derek,” Kaidan said, shaking the man’s hand. “It’s good to see you again.”

“Oh, hey, same to you,” he said enthusiastically, pulling Kaidan in for a hug.

As Kaidan and Derek relinquished their hold, Shepard gave Derek a smile, happy to finally meet the man of the hour.

“Hi, Derek. It’s a pleasure to finally meet you,” Shepard said, offering her hand to shake with a genuine smile.

Derek had already given her a quick examination as he was walking over, but he seemed to be a bit starstruck as she spoke to him. He was staring at her wide-eyed, and mouth slightly agape.

“Pleasure to finally meet  _ me? _ Are you kidding? Pleasure to meet  _ you, _ Commander,” he said, giving a salute, prompting Shepard to take her hand back and look around the crowd. Luckily no one really seemed to notice or think much of it.

“Hey, you might want to keep your voice down there, Derek. We’re kind of trying to keep her identity under wraps so there isn’t pandemonium during your wedding,” Kaidan said.

“Right, right,” he muttered out and ended the salute without a return from Shepard. “Libby warned me and everything. I don’t know what came over me. I mean, Commander Shepard,” he said her name and title in a whisper this time, “here. At my wedding. I can just hardly believe it, you know? You were on the recruitment posters when I finally ended up joining the Alliance. We heard about you all the time throughout the war. About everything you were doing for us.”

Shepard smiled at that, already well aware of the effects she had on people, not really blaming Derek for his reaction. “You know Kaidan was there, too. It’s not like I worked alone.”

“Oh yeah, of course. I guess I just think of Kaidan as family already, so it’s not quite as shocking. Sorry if I’m coming off too strong or anything, it’s just that you’re a bit larger than life. It’s hard to imagine that you’re really here.”

“It’s okay, I get it,” she said, compassionately enough, understanding that he was thrown for a loop and probably already nervous for the day’s events. “But hey, seriously, feel free to call me Jane from now on unless I end up seeing you in some kind of official capacity at work. While we’re here, though, don’t think of me as a superior officer or anything.”

“Right, yeah,” he said nodding, almost apologetically. “Well, it’s nice to get to know the real you,” he said, extending his hand for a slightly more personal greeting after finally calming down.

“You too,” she said with a smile, accepting his hand to shake it. “And congratulations, Derek.”

“Thanks. That really means a lot to me,” he said with a smile. “And hey! Maybe I’ll be getting to call you family soon too, eh?” he said, elbowing Kaidan with a devilish grin. “Wouldn’t that be something?”

It seems as though Libby probably bought into the misunderstanding now too if Derek’s reaction was anything to go by. Perfect. They both just smiled at him without saying anything on the matter.

“But anyway, the ceremony should start soon, and there are other people I want to greet before that. I’m so glad you could both make it,” he said, genuinely beaming as he left to go talk to other people.

Kaidan smirked and let out a ‘hrmph,’ which made Shepard look at him. “He’s a great guy, but a little overexcitable.”

Shepard nodded kindly, not judging him for it. “Nothing wrong with a little enthusiasm,” she said with a faint curve to her lips. “Not a quality that a lot of soldiers have anymore. I’m glad that’s not something that was taken away from him throughout the war. I hope he never loses it.”

Kaidan nodded, understanding the sentiment well. “Yeah, me too. He’s a good guy. He really loves Libby. I think he’s good for her too. She’s too serious.”

“Too serious?” Shepard said coyly, with an entertained smile, noticing a general similarity between most of the Alenkos. Maisie was perhaps the only exception she could see so far.

Kaidan looked at her and let out a chuckle. “Yeah, yeah. I know I can be serious too, but we’re not talking about me here,” he said with a smile. “I think he lightens her up a bit, and I think that’s exactly what she needs. Not that I’m criticizing her now or anything, it’s just that I think Derek provides something for her that she’s been missing all her life. The way they look when they’re together,” Kaidan said, shaking his head fondly. “I’ve never seen her so happy. Like all of her burdens have been lifted off of her shoulders or something.”

Shepard looked somewhat dejectedly towards the ground, knowing precisely the feeling that he was referring to because there was a time that Kaidan had provided exactly that for her. Not even just on the SR-1 when they were actually together, but also during the Reaper War, too. Even though they weren’t together then, he still provided that for her. He was good at making her feel less alone, having someone else to confide in who understood the things she was dealing with. It was one of the things she really missed about just being around him.

“Yeah,” she huffed out. “It’s not easy to find something like that,” she said quietly.

“No. It’s not,” he said. Shepard couldn’t help but hear a hint of sadness behind his words. She didn’t have it in her to look at him for any kind of confirmation.

Before they knew it, Derek came bouncing back through the crowd and tapped Kaidan on the shoulder. “All right, it’s almost showtime!” he said, with one of the widest grins Shepard had ever seen.

“You ready for this?” Kaidan asked.

“I can’t wait,” he said genuinely. His joy was palpable, bringing Kaidan in for another hug.

“Welcome to the family, Derek.”

“Well, she hasn’t said yes yet,” Derek said, releasing them both from the hug, still with a massive grin on his face.

“She will,” Kaidan said with a smile.

“I know. Thanks, man,” he said before he walked down the aisle with his parents who gave him their own hug before taking his place by the altar.

The officiant announced everyone to take their seats as the ceremony was about to begin.

“I guess that’s my cue to go back to the house for Libby. You can take any seat in the front row,” he said, pointing to Libby’s side of the seating arrangements.

“Okay,” she said with a nod. “See you in a minute, then.”

He nodded at her and turned to walk back to the house. Shepard stood there awkwardly, not entirely sure what she was feeling. She didn’t like the sight of him walking away. She knew she was being dramatic. All he was doing was going to get Libby, but the more time went on, she realised the closer she was getting to actually saying goodbye to him. Maybe it wasn’t the worst thing. It’s practically what she kept telling herself she wanted after all. But it hurt. The reality of him potentially not being in her life anymore was starting to sink in, and she didn’t like the feeling. Not wanting to be awkward about standing in the aisle, she finally turned to take a seat, making sure to leave space for Kaidan and his mother.

After everyone settled, the drone began playing the wedding march. The bridesmaids and groomsmen started coming out. First, she noticed a couple of Libby’s friends that she hadn’t had the chance to meet, followed by Maisie and Raiya. Shepard offered each of them a smile, happy to be able to watch the celebration, even with her own sad and confused feelings muddying how she felt on the inside.

Immediately after that, Libby started walking down the aisle, Ada on one side of her and Kaidan on the other, looking incredibly proud and happy. Kaidan and Ada both gave her a hug before they came to sit down next to Shepard.

Jane and Kaidan shared a glance and a smile with each other before they turned towards the ceremony.

It went by in a blur. Libby and Derek said their vows and made their commitment to each other, and Shepard was sad once again. Marriage had never necessarily been important to her, but the one person who had ever gotten her wondering whether she might be up in a place like that someday was Kaidan. The man sitting right beside her, yet somehow never felt more beyond her grasp, knowing she would be saying goodbye to him soon enough.

As they finished off with a kiss and were declared husband and wife, walking back down the aisle, it all felt very bittersweet to Shepard. She smiled and clapped, but it was all a farce.

Everything surrounding Kaidan was making it difficult for her to be in the moment and be happy for Libby. She couldn’t imagine Kaidan not being a part of her life in some capacity, but it was becoming too painful to contemplate going on like this anymore. Everything here just served as a reminder to what she couldn’t have.

There would be alcohol at the party. Maybe that would make her feel better. And if not,  _ ‘it would all be over soon.’ _


	12. Chapter 12

The wedding ceremony concluded and went off without a hitch. Shepard had never seen Libby happier. Granted, she’d only known Libby for a few days, but it was still a nice change to see that she was no longer stressed out or upset. She was finally enjoying this special day that she had worked so hard on, and it brought a smile to Shepard’s face as much as she was suffering on the inside for her own reasons.

After the ceremony, there was a brief period reserved for professional photos, which Shepard hadn’t really expected. Admittedly, she hadn’t actually gone to a wedding before, so she didn’t know what to expect, but she couldn’t help wishing she was more prepared for this particular event. She was glad the Alenko’s would all have these treasured memories, of course. She could imagine these photos being added to the datapad full of other family photos as a treasured memory.

What she wasn’t so fond of, was the fact that she had inevitably been roped into being included in more of them than she cared for. The Alenkos inclusivity and kind gestures were something she typically admired, but at this particular moment, she couldn’t help but think it was a flaw. She figured that she and Kaidan would be parting ways after this wedding. Knowing that, these pictures with her in them would be a sour spot on these otherwise happy memories. Part of her wanted to scream that she and Kaidan weren’t together to get them to stop once and for all, but that would have completely defeated the purpose of her keeping a low profile throughout the wedding. Instead, she stood right next to Kaidan, close enough to feel the heat of his body as she eyed him with the sadness of knowing their goodbye was coming soon. She forced a smile before each click of the camera and hoped it was convincing enough to not ruin Libby’s photos.

Time passed quickly, at least. It was perhaps the only small mercy she’d been granted this whole time. Before she knew it, the reception was already happening. Again, she didn’t know much about what to expect from a wedding, but it was her general understanding that it would be much more relaxed compared to the rest of the day’s events and that seemed to be the case. However, Shepard couldn’t help but feel that something had changed with Kaidan the entire time. He was quieter and she wasn’t used to it. They shared a comfortable enough dinner passing conversations, but she couldn’t help but think that maybe this misunderstanding was getting to him more than she thought. It was one thing when she was the only one being tortured by the confused feelings and memories of what they used to be. She didn’t know if she could handle him being so hurt about it now too. She didn’t want to put him through that, especially when he was supposed to be celebrating.

She was supposed to be staying with him for the rest of the week until his vacation time was over, but all she could think about now was leaving. Her circumstances hadn’t changed. She still wasn’t about to be assigned housing anytime soon, but she’d done nothing but cause problems the entire time she was here. She didn’t think she could personally take much more of this. Surely she could think of a believable excuse to leave, making sure Kaidan’s family didn’t feel bad about her going on such short notice.

Dinner went by just about as quickly as everything else. Before she knew it, they were all standing to watch Libby and Derek have their first dance as a married couple. Shepard envied the way they looked at each other. Happy. Like having each other was the only thing that mattered. As soon as they were done, the music changed to something more upbeat, encouraging other couples standing on the sidelines to make their way to the dance floor. Shepard and Kaidan stood awkwardly by the edge, watching the fun, barely engaging each other.

“Do you want a drink?” he finally asked.

“Uh, yeah, that sounds like a good idea,” she said.

He led them over towards the bar.

“What can I get you?” the bartender asked.

“I’ll take a whiskey,” Kaidan said.

“Make that two,” she amended, appreciating that it was something strong.

“Here you go,” the bartender said, handing them each one.

They turned to leave and started watching the crowd that was now enjoying themselves on the dance floor. They both started nursing their drinks.

Maisie walked up to them, moving to the beat as she made her way from the dance floor.

“What, you guys aren’t going to dance?” She asked with a beaming grin on her face.

Even if this was an ideal situation and she and Kaidan were somehow together, she would have had a good excuse for getting out of this one. She may as well have been a ballerina on the battlefield, but she had absolutely no rhythm when it came to dancing. Unless she wanted to make a mockery of herself, she wasn’t about to go out there. It was one thing in privacy with her crew. Under normal circumstances, she might not even mind letting loose here, but it would have been one more thing to draw attention to her. For the most part, Libby’s already had her magical night, but she still hated the potential to steal it from her and opted to want to stay on the sidelines.

“I’m afraid I’m a horrible dancer,” Shepard said.

“What?” Maisie asked incredulously, stopping dead in her tracks. “You can’t be serious. You?”

“Oh, she’s telling the truth all right,” Kaidan said from beside her with a snort.

“Hey! You’re one to talk. I seem to remember you making finger guns at that party in my apartment,” she said with a big grin on her face.

“Hey, now, this conversation isn’t about me. Maisie’s already well aware of my dancing abilities.”

“Uh-huh,” Shepard said with a smile that she couldn’t help thinking would wane the moment that Maisie left them alone again.

“It’s true, I know he’s got no game on the dance floor. You, on the other hand, are not allowed to say that without a show,” she said, all but ready to drag Shepard into the middle of the crowd when Shepard pulled back.

“Maisie, I don’t think that’s a good idea. I don’t want to draw attention to myself,” Shepard tried to say in a lowered voice.

Maisie huffed out a laugh at her. “Well, if that’s your goal, maybe you should reconsider. Have you taken a good look at that crowd?” she asked, turning to look at everyone dancing. “Everyone’s making a fool of themselves. Only ‘Commander Shepard’ would have a complex about this. If you ask me, I think standing on the sidelines is probably drawing more attention to you than however bad your dancing must be.”

Shepard looked out into the crowd. Sure enough, it was full of people just letting loose. No one cared about how they looked, though she still thought her skills were subpar to everyone out there. At the same time, she probably wasn’t bad enough to draw attention away from everyone else who was just out there having fun.

Shepard turned to Kaidan then, “Shit. She has a point, doesn’t she?”

“I’m afraid she might,” Kaidan said with a smirk.

“Yes! You know I’m always right,” Maisie said with a smile.

“You don’t have to rub it in,” Kaidan said, holding his hand out to Jane. “Shall we?”

“Can’t wait to see this,” Maisie said with a smirk.

Maisie took their glasses and Kaidan gave her the tiniest of glares before he and Shepard made their way out onto the dance floor.

“So, do you have a buzz going yet?” Kaidan asked.

Shepard looked at him, slightly amused. “A bit,” she answered.

“Good, because I think it’ll at least help us not be so self-conscious out here,” he said with a smile as he started dancing.

Maybe it was because she was teasing him about it moments before, but it seemed like he would be leaving his finger guns holstered for the evening. His rhythm was almost as bad as hers. In fact, it  _ was _ as bad as hers. It brought back memories of them dancing in that casino on the Citadel when they were trying to figure out who stole her identity. Before they even knew she had a clone. They had the exact same dance style then too… And somehow she was always the one that got flack about it from the crew. It made her wonder how security at the casino never thought they were suspicious, because who would want to be seen dancing like that out in public? Shepard had to laugh at the memory of it.

“What?” he said, in mock offense as he stopped dancing immediately, thanks to her outburst. “You don’t like it?”

“No, it’s not that,” she said, grabbing his arms to get him to start bopping them again. “It’s just that, I’d say we’re two peas in a pod or something.”

She started mimicking his moves. Not that she was trying to match him or anything, but more because she legitimately didn’t know any other way to dance. She never knew what to do with her arms. Or her legs for that matter... or where to look. Practically nothing came naturally to her about dancing, but then again, she rarely ever had a partner. Today, she had Kaidan as a distraction and it was easier to let go of the insecurities, already knowing that she looked ridiculous, because he looked ridiculous too. They looked into each other’s eyes. It made both of them laugh some more as they kept dancing.

She didn’t know if it was the alcohol or the dancing, but the night’s tension finally started to feel like it was easing away. She liked seeing Kaidan let loose a bit. It wasn’t something that was typically easy for him either.

Before they knew it, they danced through song after song, and the tempo suddenly changed to something much slower. That made them both stop and catch their breath as they looked to each other again, wondering what to do.

Kaidan saw everyone else around them starting to dance, so he looked back towards her with a smile, holding his hands out in question for her to join him. “I guess we probably should.”

Shepard looked around her, realising the same thing. “Right,” she said as she put her hands in his, and he pulled her closer.

Perhaps it was the alcohol or their lack of experience for dancing, but she thought it was a bit closer than most people typically got as they were slow dancing. So close that their torsos were touching and they couldn’t even see each other unless they pulled their faces apart. Shepard was so naturally inclined to want to rest her head on his shoulder. She wanted to fall into him and let his comfort take away the stress of the last few days as she nestled into him.

She pulled away slightly. “For appearance's sake,” she said, remembering that they didn’t want to make this rumour about them being together get any deeper. She had to get a hold of herself. She was doing exactly what she knew she would when she agreed to come out here. It was so easy for this to feel real and she was finally letting that get the better of her.

“Right,” Kaidan muttered. “For appearances,” he said, with a smile that clearly felt forced to Shepard. She had already gone and made it awkward again. Just another reason that her plan to leave tomorrow was becoming more tempting by the minute. She was getting too close, not only to Kaidan but to his whole family now and that wasn’t fair to any of them.

After the song finished, the band got on the microphone.  _ “All right, everybody, before we continue the dancing, we have to do one of the most important parts of the wedding,” _ they said in an excited tone.  _ “We still have a bouquet toss to do!”  _ they yelled into the mic, clearly trying to get the crowd riled up.

Shepard took that as her opportunity to pull away, leaving her with a pang of guilt, knowing she shouldn’t have let it get that far in the first place. “Do you want to get another drink?” she asked, trying to distract herself from the pain of it.

_ “All of the people hoping to get a ring on that finger soon, come make your way to the dance floor,” _ the announcer said.

Kaidan looked back to Shepard. “Yeah, I think that would be a good idea,” he said as they both made their way back to the bar.

“Two more whiskeys,” Kaidan said as they walked up to the bartender again.

He promptly handed them both a glass. Shepard couldn’t help but notice Kaidan taking a big swig of his. She followed suit.

“Jane, what the hell are you doing?” Maisie asked, startling them both to turn around. “This includes you, you know! Come on!” she said, pulling Shepard into the crowd of single people wanting to catch the bouquet.

“Maisie, that’s really not—” Shepard said, trying to protest the action, not wanting to be part of this.

“Don’t be silly, it’s just for fun.”

Shepard didn’t want to fight her or cause a scene by protesting. She relented, and let Maisie pull her out into the crowd. The two of them stayed in the front up close, which was even worse. Shepard would have preferred to blend into the background somewhere, but now she was on display. It would look weird if she wasn’t jumping to grab it, wouldn’t it? Even weirder if she purposely dodged out of the way of it as though it were a grenade. She figured she’d grab it if it headed directly at her, but she wouldn’t be going out of her way to catch it either.

Libby stood at the edge of the dance floor. She turned around so that her back was facing the crowd anticipating her throw. Libby gave them one last glance before she tossed the bouquet. She threw it high, but short, so it wasn’t going to reach the crowd. Everyone was lunging forward in an attempt to catch it. 

As the crowd moved forward, they pushed Shepard with them. As much as she was trying to hold herself back, it wasn’t working with everyone else encroaching behind her. She stopped even keeping an eye on the bouquet, just trying not to fall over from the horde of people when it suddenly hit her square in the face. Reflexes took over as she caught it.

That wasn’t good. She gathered that it was only a silly tradition and didn’t really mean anything, but it still left her feeling sullen. It was a symbol for something that wouldn’t be happening with her, at least not with the person she wanted. Not to mention that she didn’t want to add to whatever weird feelings there was with Kaidan now. He’d been through enough with the misunderstandings. Even though it was silly and insignificant, he didn’t need that reminder on top of everything.

Shepard heard clapping from behind her and turned to look. Maisie was jumping up and down, clapping her hands.

“Yay! Maybe you really will be my sister-in-law!” Maisie said excitedly.

Shepard wanted to let out a hard sigh of frustration but knew better than to make a scene. Instead, she turned back towards the bar where Kaidan was standing. She couldn’t help but think he looked somewhat dejected. He was immediately distracted by his mother talking into his ear over the noise of the party.

The bouquet-seeking crowd dissipated and Shepard saw Raiya make her way over to her.

“You sure look like a deer caught in headlights.”

“Uh… yeah, I guess you could say that. I’ll be honest, I’ve never been to a wedding before. I didn’t really expect something like that to be taken so seriously.”

“Don’t worry about it, it’s still just for fun. Don’t let it get to you.” Raiya said.

“Wait, yes, let it get to you!” Maisie jumped in. “I want a sister-in-law. Especially this one,” she said, pointing to Shepard.

Raiya scoffed. “It’s not like some magical spell. It’s not going to miraculously make them get married.”

“No, I know that, but I thought maybe if Kaidan could see her looking happy after catching it, something might click in his brain to make him consider it more. I like her. I want her to be permanent.”

“You can’t play with people’s emotions like that, Maisie. Just let them have their space. They’re clearly trying to figure things out. They don’t need the added pressure. You know, I bet it’s this kind of stuff that made Kaidan not bring anyone home before now.”

“All right, already, I get the point,” Maisie said. “I’m sorry, Jane. I didn’t mean anything by it.”

“It’s okay,” Shepard said, knowing the sentiment was innocent enough. “It’s kind of sweet to know you care about me that much already,” Shepard said with a genuine smile, not wanting her to feel bad about it.

“Yeah, well, you’re pretty cool. Plus, it’s nice to think of Kaidan being happy.”

Shepard just smiled at her, appreciating the gesture, though she knew deep down that Kaidan was anything but happy right now.

“Well, now I went and made this awkward. I think I hear the dance floor calling my name, so I’ll just give you some space. I really didn’t mean to add pressure, though,” Maisie said.

“It’s fine. Go have fun,” Shepard said, waving the bouquet towards the crowd that had picked up the dancing again.

Maisie took that as permission to leave. Now it was just her and Raiya.

“Try not to take stock in any of that. Not that I wouldn’t want you in our family if that’s the way you guys are naturally headed,” Raiya quickly amended. “But I just know how much pressure that kind of thing can be on a relationship. I know there’s complicated history there, so don’t let it be a burden on that. Maisie’s just really excitable and grasps onto anything that holds her interest for even a minute.”

“So I’ve noticed,” Shepard said with a laugh that Raiya returned.

“But seriously, just don’t let it get to you. It can be overwhelming to meet a family like ours when you guys are still trying to figure out exactly what you are. I think my talk with you earlier probably didn’t help with that. I can see that you care about Kaidan and I don’t think you’d do anything to purposely hurt him. You’re a good person, Jane. I just want you both to do what’s best for you,” Raiya said, looking like she genuinely cared for her, too. It was nice and an important gesture from her after being so protective.

“Thanks for understanding,” Shepard said genuinely.

That made her look back to where Kaidan was previously standing, only to notice that he was gone. Maybe their dance and her catching the bouquet hurt him even more than she feared. She couldn’t blame him after everything that had happened.

“Can you give this back to Libby,” Shepard said, handing the bouquet over to Raiya. In truth, she had no idea what she was supposed to do with it, if she was supposed to keep it or not. Was it bad form to give it back? She didn’t know, but she was also sidetracked, wanting to make sure Kaidan was okay. “I should probably go find Kaidan.”

“Yeah, sure,” she said, taking it back.

Shepard headed towards the bar, where he had been standing before this whole debacle and looked through the crowd everywhere, but he was nowhere to be found. She figured that a lot of the night’s events probably upset him, but she felt awful that she might have made him feel bad enough to miss out on the celebration. She’d rather talk to him now about her plan to leave so he could still get some enjoyment out of the night.

As she turned through the crowd one last time, she finally saw Ada heading towards her.

“Well, don’t you look like a chicken with its head cut off,” she said with a laugh. “If I had to venture a guess, you’re probably looking for Kaidan, aren’t you?”

“That obvious, huh?” Shepard said with a forced smile.

“Very,” she said teasingly. “I sent him to go get a bottle of wine from the cellar. It’s something I wanted to give to Libby and Derek as a gift, but I forgot to grab it earlier.”

That was actually perfect. Maybe she’d catch him while he was still there and they could have a moment to talk alone away from the crowds.

“Thanks,” Shepard said with a smile of gratitude.

“Don’t mention it,” Ada said with a warm smile.

Shepard took that as her opportunity to leave, exiting the barn, heading towards the house for the cellar. Finally, she’d have her chance to end this misery.


	13. Chapter 13

Shepard made her way through the grass towards the house. Dew was already collecting in the cool night air and her feet were getting wet through her open-toed shoes. Her dress showed more skin than she was accustomed to and goosebumps were starting to develop thanks to the chill. She finally reached the sliding door to the kitchen and stepped in. The house was still dark thanks to not having been in use since the afternoon, except for a light coming from the open door leading down towards the cellar that was attached to the kitchen.

She hadn’t had the pleasure of seeing that part of the house for herself yet, everyone had been so busy. Kaidan and Ada had both told her that the cellar was down there, though, housing what was left of the family wine.

She slowly made her way to the door and looked down the staircase. It was longer than she was expecting, barely any of the actual cellar was visible from up at the top. It was apparent that Kaidan was probably still down there since the lights were still on, so she started to go down the steps. Suddenly, she remembered how close Ada had been to hearing their semi-private conversation the previous day, so she decided to shut the door behind her. As she got closer to the bottom, she noticed a chill in the air that was getting more and more noticeable as it started prickling the hairs on her arms. She remembered Kaidan telling her that it was imperative to keep the cellar cool in order to maintain the best quality, and she was definitely feeling it. Her attire did nothing to help warm her, her goosebumps getting worse, but she was sure she could stick it out for one conversation.

She passed a larger metallic door at the bottom and took a better look around now that she could see more. It was bigger than she had imagined it would be—rows of casks, and more rows of actual bottles being stored on special shelving units. Everything was cast in a dim, warm glow from the low voltage lighting overhead. It could have been rather quaint and cozy had it not been for the cold temperature that was nipping at her flesh.

She looked around a bit and couldn’t see him or even hear him for that matter. If he was still down here, he was doing an excellent job of being quiet.

“Kaidan?” she spoke up, loud enough that the entire room should have been able to hear it.

She heard a clacking noise and an “oof,” coming from a couple of rows over. She moved towards the sound.

“Kaidan?” she asked again, a little softer this time.

He stood up in front of the shelf he was looking in, rubbing the back of his head. He must have been hunched over in search of the wine Ada sent him down here to look for and got startled by her calling out for him.

“Oh,” he said, sounding slightly dejected, “hey, Shepard.” He was rubbing the back of his head in pain from hitting it so hard.

“Are you okay?” Shepard asked.

He relaxed his arm back down to his side. “Yeah. Just a bump. Don’t worry about it.”

Shepard nodded at that, glad that he wasn’t hurt at least. “Uh, so, I saw you run away earlier. I just wanted to make sure you were okay,” Shepard said, lacking her characteristic confidence.

He looked down towards his feet, silent for a moment. “Yeah. I’m fine,” he said in a way that sounded like he wasn’t even sure of that, himself.

Shepard took that as a clue that he probably didn’t want to talk about it. She wasn’t about to force him. Besides, she was here for her own reasons anyway, and that was to tell him she was going to leave in the morning. Though, now that she was confronted with the reality of it, she didn’t want to say it. She knew that would be the last step to saying goodbye, maybe forever, but she couldn’t keep going this way anymore, so it was for the best.

“Um, so, listen,” Shepard said, garnering Kaidan’s attention. “I’ve decided that I’m going to leave tomorrow. After breakfast.”

“Oh,” he said, sounding somewhat surprised. He looked up from his feet then. “Do you have anywhere to go?” His question was laced with genuine concern. Something she should have expected from this whole idea.

Shepard fidgeted with her hands a bit, wanting to avert his gaze worse than she ever had before. She’d never felt so flustered and unsettled in her life, and that was saying a lot.

“I’ll think of something. I just think it’s for the best.”

Kaidan looked back to the wine rack, not so much out of having a purpose. Shepard suspected it was more for wanting a distraction.

“Ah. Okay,” was all he muttered and it pained her. It was what she wanted after all, but she wasn’t expecting this kind of reaction. Something must have happened to make him withdraw so much and let her go so willingly. She supposed it told her all she needed to know, though.

They were silent for another moment, neither of them knowing what to say.

“Well,” Kaidan finally said. “Mom asked me to come down here to find a bottle of wine for Libby and Derek, but I sure as hell can’t find the one she’s looking for. We should probably get back to the party. Don’t want people wondering where we escaped off to,” he said, not even looking at her as he brushed past her.

He made his way over to the staircase, Shepard following closely behind. He went up a few steps quickly before finally looking up to the top of the stairs when he stopped dead in his tracks. With one hand on the rail, he turned back to look at her.

“What?” she asked, concerned.

“Did you close the door?”

She looked at him, slightly concerned for where this was going. “After your mom almost caught us talking in the living room yesterday, I just wanted to make sure we’d have some privacy.”

He rubbed his forehead in frustration before running his fingers across his jawline, the prickle of stubble only just coming through, making that scraping noise.

“We’re locked in, aren’t we?”

“I don’t know,” he said, making his way up the stairs. Shepard opted to stay at the bottom, crossing her arms, waiting. “The last time I was here, the lock was broken. It was on my to-do list to check while I was here this time, but we’ve been so busy. I haven’t had the chance to check it yet.”

As he got to the top, he fiddled with the door handle. It was another one of those old-fashioned doors that Shepard wasn’t used to, though, this one seemed a lot more solid than the other doors in the house. It wouldn't be an easy one to break through, even if he was willing to do that to his mom’s door.

“I’m not sure how people function like this anymore,” he said, trying to rotate the handle more. “Everything’s attachable to an omni-tool these days. One wave of the wrist and doors open by proximity. But no, my parents kept putting off upgrading, saying they wanted to maintain the rustic look. It fit the property better,” he said with a bit more frustration as he huffed out in exasperation. He weaved his fingers through his hair, looking towards the handle. “Of course, they didn’t mind automating the tree pruners, but this is the hill they chose to die on. If they had just updated, I could have hacked our way out of here.”

Shepard still didn’t know what to say, the chill of the air made her goosebumps even worse. She grazed her hands over her arms, trying to transfer some heat over herself.

“Do you have a bobby pin or anything?”

“What, you know how to pick a lock like that?” she asked, looking at him incredulously.

“Do you have any better ideas?”

He had a point there. Luckily, she did have some. She pulled one out as she went up the stairs to meet him. He took the pin from her hand and turned around to fit it into the keyhole. He moved it around and jiggled the handle. It was all uncoordinated and filled with frustration.

He stood up and huffed out, making his irritation evident. “I don’t know what I’m doing here, Shepard.”

“I don’t suppose you keep any tools down here? A crowbar? Anything?”

He looked down at the floor. “I wasn’t talking about the door,” he said before turning around and brushing past her to go back down the stairs. “Though, yeah, I don’t know what I’m doing there either.”

The words struck her off balance. She watched him momentarily before she started following. He went to the back corner of the cellar and took another close look at the wine rack he was studying earlier. He was acting like he was trying to find something specific.

“What did you mean by that?” she asked, the curiosity unbearable.

“Nothing. Let’s just drop it,” he said, sounding more upset with himself over it rather than her asking.

He ended up randomly choosing one of the bottles. He then went over to the counter and pulled out a drawer to find a corkscrew. He quickly opened the bottle, tossing the opener on the counter, and took a chug right out of the bottle.

“Here, you want some?” he asked, after he finished, handing her the bottle.

She took it but didn’t take a drink. Not yet, anyway.

“Dad set up this whole cellar to act as a bunker if the Reapers hit after the attack on the Citadel. I’m pretty sure it’s the only reason my family made it out of the war okay,” he said, moving towards a cabinet beside the counter, opening it to look at the contents. “Thanks to that, he put signal blockers throughout the whole ceiling. Even if we were to try to call anyone or send a message through our omni-tools, I don’t think any of them would get through.”

“What about your mom? She was the one that sent you down here. She’d have to know that something must have happened if you don’t make your way back to the party, right?”

“It’s possible, but I wouldn’t count on it,” he said, shifting through the cabinet some more. “It’s her daughter’s wedding. She’s busy having fun. I wouldn’t be surprised if we might have to wait until morning when everyone’s having breakfast and hope that people can hear us banging on the door from the kitchen.”

That didn’t exactly instill much confidence.

“The one good thing about dad turning this into a bunker is that there’s plenty of supplies still here. Even a couple of sleeping bags,” he said as he took them out of the cabinet and brought them over to an empty space up against the wall. He rolled them out for both of them to sit on. “May as well make ourselves comfortable. Even if we’re not here all night, it’s probably going to be a while,” he said, turning towards her before he had a chance to sit down. He noticed that she hadn’t taken a sip of the wine and held her arms in a way that suggested she was cold. As he examined her more, he saw that she was covered in goosebumps. “Oh, I didn’t even think of the temperatures down here. You must be freezing. I can turn it up a bit, but I probably shouldn’t tamper with it too much.” He took out his omni-tool and made an adjustment before he took his jacket off. “See, another thing I can do with an omni-tool. I don’t know what they were thinking with that damn door. But here. Take this. Hopefully that will help a bit, too,” he said with a smile, offering his jacket.

“You really don’t have to do that. I’m sure I’ll be fine.” Shepard said, appreciating the chivalry, but not wanting to add another kind gesture from him on top of everything else to make her feel even more guilty.

He kept his arm out, insistent on her taking it. “Come on. You know I’m basically a human furnace.”

She did know that. She usually ran cold, herself. The brief amount of time they did spend together romantically, she always woke up curled around him, seeking out that warmth.

“I’ve been so hot all day. You’d practically be doing me a favour at this point.”

“Well, in that case, how could I say no,” she said with a forced smile. She exchanged the bottle of wine for his jacket and put it on. Damned if she did, damned if she didn’t, so she may as well have the extra layer.

When she was finished, Kaidan decided to sit down on the sleeping bag. He took a swig of the wine, and patted the area next to him, signalling for her to join him. “May as well get comfortable.”

She was hesitant for a moment but figured he was right. They could be in for a long night. Her leg was already starting to bother her from all of the dancing earlier and it probably wouldn't do any good to make it worse by standing around awkwardly, so she moved to join him. As she sat down, she stretched her legs out and crossed them at her ankles, wrapping the jacket tighter around herself, trying to contain any heat. The chill already felt like it had settled in her bones, so it wouldn’t be easy to warm up with that being her starting point.

Kaidan took another swig of the wine and passed it over to her. She stared at it, having half a mind to think better of it. As much as she was looking forward to alcohol earlier in the evening, this particular situation was bad enough without being inebriated. Against her better judgement, she decided she may as well join him, otherwise it might be a  _ really _ long night.

She took a swig from the bottle, savouring the flavours, almost surprised by it. Clearly, the Alenkos took this part of their family business seriously, seeing the investment they made in this cellar. Still, she didn’t expect this kind of quality. “Damn, Kaidan, this really is good.”

He smiled at that. “You know I had nothing to do with it, right?”

“I guess that makes sense,” she said, taking another swig before handing the bottle back. “Well, kudos to your family then.”

“I’ll be sure to let them know you said so,” he said with a small laugh.

He drank a bit more of it before putting the bottle down beside him. He rested his head back against the wall and closed his eyes. A silence settled between them—one of many as of late. Shepard stared at the casks in front of her, not knowing what else to say at this point. After everything that had happened, maybe silence wasn’t the worst thing anyway. She folded her arms in front of her, pulling the jacket tighter. Kaidan let out a big sigh next to her, prompting her to look back at him.

“I miss you, Jane,” he said softly with a tinge of sadness behind it.

She looked back to him, speechless by the admission. It gave her a surge of hope. Did he mean romantically? Maybe she was overreading the situation. They hadn’t spent time together like this since the Normandy, after all. Maybe he just missed their friendship. Still, though, that hint of sadness behind his words made her feel like it was more. She still worried whether that really mattered, though. She planned to get back into combat when she was deemed ready for active duty. The possibility of dying would always be real in her line of work. That’s what they signed up for. But somehow, the state of things felt a little less bleak than they used to. She no longer had the weight of the galaxy on her shoulders. That risk of death didn’t feel like an absolute finality anymore, not like it did during the war. Did they have to be destined to live an entire life away from each other just for a chance?

Kaidan rubbed his forehead then. “I said that out loud, didn’t I? Don’t worry. I’ve been picking up the hints. I think you’ve made it pretty clear that you still just want to be friends. Forget I even mentioned it.”

He must have gotten insecure from the silence that passed while she was in thought. She eyed his hand that was in his lap now, too tempting not to reach out. She gently slid her own palm underneath his and intertwined their fingers. Was she really doing this? This whole trip, she’d been telling herself she needed to keep her distance. She fought so hard to maintain that, but now she was giving into herself so easily. Holding his hand was as invigorating as the day he showed her around the orchard, except this time, it also held hope.

“I miss you, too,” she said quietly and genuinely.

Kaidan looked to her with questioning eyes as though that was the last thing he was expecting her to say.

“What?” he said, mouth slightly agape like he was still trying to understand.

“I made a mistake,” she said, finally admitting it, hoping that this was the right decision. She stuck to her guns for so long that this admission also felt like a mistake. But nothing could be worse than living in denial anymore. Not when he was here giving her an opening for a second chance. She looked down at their joined hands, not able to look him in the eye. “At Apollo’s. When you wanted to get back together. It hurt me more than you know to reject you back then.”

“Then why?” he asked, a hint of sadness behind the words. It sounded like his heart was ripped out of his chest, and it was enough to make her cringe slightly. She finally realised that no matter what she had done, trying to protect him or not, it had hurt him all the same.

“I couldn’t do it to you again,” she said, still not able to look at him.

“Couldn’t do what?”

“Couldn’t die. Couldn’t leave you like that again,” she said, biting the edge of her lip. She felt like she could cry from the year’s worth of regret she was carrying. “I was so sure I was never going to come out of the war alive.”

Kaidan let out a sigh. He turned to her then, gently clasping her cheek and turning her head to face him before resting his forehead against hers, eyes closed as she leaned into it.

“I wish you’d talked to me. Given me a choice,” he said, brushing his thumb over her cheek softly. It made her jaw tingle in a way she had missed. “Even if that did end up happening, all I ever wanted was to spend whatever time we had left together. That hasn’t changed. I tried moving on from you, but I can’t. You’re it for me, Jane. Not being with you wouldn’t have made it any less difficult.”

She let out a sob. She’d been so foolish taking matters into her own hands. He was right and she would have felt the same way had the roles been reversed. It didn’t matter that they weren’t together, she would have been just as lost and destroyed without him if he had died. Why had she thought it would be any different for him?

“I’m sorry,” was all she managed to get out without her voice cracking.

That prompted him to move his hand down to her chin and prop her head up a bit more, separating their foreheads, making her look at him.

“It’s okay. Let’s not dwell on what we can’t change. We’re both here now.”

She gave the subtlest of nods, agreeing with the sentiment. They looked at each other for another moment before they both leaned in close enough to share each other’s breath. They paused as though they had waited so long that galaxies would implode if they took that final step now. Thoughts of wasted time, and wondering if this was real filled the seconds they stayed like that in anticipation. Finally, Kaidan pulled her in the rest of the way. Their lips grazed gently before pulling apart ever so slightly. It was so familiar and missed.

They both smiled at the thought.

“Jane,” Kaidan said, prompting her to look at him seriously. “I want to be a part of your life, no matter what’s in store. I want to be there for you in your moment of need. I want to be there for the good and the bad. I want it all, no matter how long that might be,” he said softly.

“I want that, too,” she said, looking at him more genuinely than she had ever looked at him before.

He smiled at her with a look of elation at those words. “Let’s never let time pass us by like that ever again,” he said, caressing her cheek.

She nodded slightly. “Never again,” she agreed.

She leaned into him, their lips brushing more firmly this time. She brought her hand up to graze the back of his neck, her fingers twined through his hair. She missed that. It was the perfect length to brush her fingers through. Silky and smooth. She used it as a way to draw him closer with more hunger, her fingers clasped at the back of his neck gently. Her heart pounded with adrenaline and relief and for the first time in a long time, she felt joy. Kissing through smiles and heavy breathing, it was pure and utter bliss.

For the first time, she thought,  _ ‘I hope this lasts forever.’ _


	14. Chapter 14

Shepard began to open her eyes slowly. She squinted them thanks to the light, grateful that it was dim at least. It took a moment for her thoughts to catch up to her surroundings. She and Kaidan were still in the cellar.

Not only that, but she found herself cuddled tightly up against him, her head on his shoulder and hand on his chest. One of her legs was tucked between his. She savoured his warmth just as she always had when they were together and she couldn’t contain the smile that formed on her face.

She’d been such a fool to deny them both this happiness for so long. She could easily get angry at herself for the thought of it. She likely would too. She figured she’d probably hold regret over this for the rest of her life. Kaidan deserved his own say in the matter during the war. She should have trusted his intentions behind wanting to get back together at the time. The best she could do was take Kaidan’s words to heart now. Not to dwell in what she couldn’t change from the past, but she’d learn from it for the future. She wouldn’t be letting time slip by them like that again. She never wanted to let this feeling go. As bittersweet as it was to think of what she’d missed out on, she couldn’t help the elation she felt from finally getting to be with him again. That waking up like this wasn’t an accident like it was in the cabin. That she could expect many mornings like this in the future.

Instead of withdrawing from him like she had when they were cuddled together on the couch, she nuzzled in closer, resting her head more tightly against his chest and got comfortable. Even on the hard floor, she could have easily stayed like this forever. It felt like home - he felt like home. That wasn’t an easy feeling for her to come by.

Her movement must have woken him up. He started stirring beneath her. She heard him take in a deep breath. She looked up at him with a smile still on her face. He finally looked at her, his own expression immediately matching hers. It was the kind of smile that reached his eyes. The very same kind that his mother had mentioned before. Ada was right, the eyes really didn’t lie. She could see the warmth in them as they softened when he saw her. It wasn’t forced. Just happy. Exactly how she felt and she hoped he could see the same.

He brushed the back of his fingers across her cheek to move the hair out of her eyes and studied her in a way that he had to convince himself that this was real. He finally looked back to her then before he placed his hand on top of hers that was still resting on his chest.

“I’m so happy you’re here,” he said, still beaming.

“Well, we are locked in. Not like I had anywhere else to go,” she said with a teasing grin now, unable to help herself.

It deepened his own smile, appreciating the humour as he nodded.

Her own smile tamed away from the humour, turning more soft and genuine. “But I’m glad you’re here, too,” she said with sincerity, cupping his jawline and running her thumb over his stubble.

Neither of them even cared that they could be locked in here for an indeterminate amount of time. They held each other closer, Jane nuzzled back into him again as they got comfortable. Kaidan looked at the ceiling as he pulled her closer to him with the arm that was wrapped around her. She knew his smile was still reaching his eyes, even if She couldn’t see it anymore.

“Guess you don’t have to worry about accommodation when we get back to Vancouver now, either. You can come back to my assigned housing with me.”

Shit. That brought up another issue that they’d need to deal with.

“What about the regs?” she asked, suddenly sounding less confident.

Kaidan took a moment to think about that before he responded. “We’re in different jurisdictions now. There’s plenty of relationships that have worked in the Alliance before us, and we won’t be the last. If it becomes an issue, one or both of us can focus more on being a Spectre,” he said. He rubbed his thumb over her hand comfortingly, not sounding worried. “We go and declare our relationship first thing when we get back. They’ll make sure we’re not assigned together anymore.”

“You don’t think we’ll get in trouble?”

“What’s there to get in trouble for? Our SR-1 fraternization is long behind us. We didn’t tell them about it when we were reprimanded for stealing the Normandy, no need for them to know about it now of all times. There really wasn’t anything going on between us during the war. You haven’t even technically been reassigned yet. Any fraternization happening now isn’t punishable, especially since we're not even assigned to the same outfit.”

Shepard nodded at that reluctantly, not feeling quite as confident over the matter.

“I think if there’s one thing I’ve learned throughout this whole mess, is that I don’t want to go on without you in my life anymore. Everything feels right when I’m with you. No matter what happens, we’ll figure it out. Together,” he added at the end for emphasis.

That did make her smile. She felt the same way and the ‘together’ part was key. It felt good to be on the same page about this now, working toward a common goal. “Together,” she agreed. No matter what happened or what uncertainty they would face, it felt brighter no longer facing it alone.

They sat there comfortably, figuring they could have a leisurely start to the morning, knowing they didn’t even have the option to leave. Suddenly, Shepard could hear Kaidan breathing in sharply.

“Do you smell that?” he asked, prompting her to start testing the air.

“Is that bacon?” she asked, looking towards him questioningly.

“Sure smells like it,” he said, moving up to rest on his elbows, looking towards the stairs. The smell was getting more potent. “Someone must be in the kitchen,” he said, looking back towards her.

She followed suit and sat up, herself. “Well, unless we want to be locked in here forever, I guess we should take a look.”

“I don’t know,” he said with a grin. “I was beginning to think it wasn’t the worst thing in the world to be trapped down here.”

“Couldn’t agree more,” she said as she smiled at him softly. As awful as it was that they were locked in overnight, she was thankful for it now with this being the result.

They both stood up, straightening out their hair and arranged their clothes in a presentable way, even if it was much more wrinkled and worse for wear. Kaidan rolled up the sleeping bag and grabbed his jacket. Shepard would no longer need it, going up to the house where the temperatures were much more comfortable.

They made their way over to the staircase, noticing that the door was already ajar. They glanced at each other questioningly, surprised that they hadn’t heard it open. They slowly made their way up the stairs and saw Ada cooking at the stove.

“Ah, there you two are. Perfect timing. I’m almost finished making breakfast,” she said as she began plating some of the food that was done. “Why don’t you have a seat,” she said, pointing towards the raised countertop where there were already two place settings with orange juice and coffee waiting for them.

They glanced at each other curiously as they made their way around and sat down. Shepard took a sip of her coffee. As strange as this whole situation was, she wasn’t one to deny a cup that was fresh and waiting for her.

The sliding door to the kitchen opened, causing Shepard and Kaidan to look behind them. Maisie walked in, still in her pyjamas. She stopped dead in her tracks as she eyed the both of them, paying special attention to their attire.

“Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in.”

Kaidan glared at her. “What are you even doing up this early, Maisie?” he asked as he took a sip of his own coffee.

She laughed at that. “What do you mean, up this early? I haven’t even gone to bed yet. I figured I’d pass out after breakfast.”

“That makes more sense,” Kaidan grumbled out with a laugh.

“What about you? I noticed you guys snuck off somewhere last night. Didn’t even have enough time to change your clothes this morning, eh?” she said in a cocky tone, eyeing them suspiciously. 

“They got locked in the cellar last night. I didn’t even put two and two together until I saw Kaidan’s bedroom door wide open this morning,” Ada chimed in, still focusing on the breakfasts she was making.

“Uh-huh,” Maisie said, leaning against the countertop, still eyeing them like she knew better.

Jane and Kaidan shared another glance, not saying a word, but unable to hide their smiles at the thought of it.

Maisie shook her head, her own grin forming on her face as though she caught them red-handed. “Not in a relationship, MY ASS!”

“That’s enough, Maisie,” Ada said in an authoritative tone. Maisie made a face implying that she was confident in her assessment but would shut up nonetheless, not wanting another scolding from her mother. Ada had finished preparing two other plates of food. “Now, why don’t we eat our breakfast in the living room and let these two have a quiet breakfast after the night they had,” Ada said, handing Maisie a plate.

“Ugh. Fine,” she said reluctantly as she took the plate and left towards the living room.

“Thanks, mom,” Kaidan said as he dug into his food.

“Of course, dear,” she replied as she went to grab her own plate and coffee. “I have to admit something now, or I’m afraid my conscience will never let me live it down,” she said in more of a whispered tone as she faced them.

Kaidan and Shepard both put their forks down and listened to her intently.

“Let me start off by saying, I really didn’t mean for you to get locked in the cellar and what I just said about me not putting two and two together that you were still down there until this morning was true,” she said, acting a little flustered.

“Mom?” Kaidan questioned.

“There was no bottle of wine,” she almost blurted out.

Shepard smiled, already assuming as much.

“I could just tell that you both needed to talk about whatever was going on between the two of you and it didn’t seem like either of you was going to do it of your own volition. You clearly needed some time alone together no matter what the outcome was going to be, so I may have pushed you both towards the cellar as a plausible excuse to get away from everything. I really didn’t mean for you to be locked in,” she said, looking very apologetic.

Kaidan let out a sigh before he looked at Shepard who just looked amused by the whole situation.

“Don’t worry about it, mom,” he said with a forgiving smile. “But maybe let me pay for an upgrade on that door? Something attached to the omni-tools?”

Ada rolled her eyes but nodded in acceptance. “I don’t think I could say no after the night you just spent down there. I hope there are no hard feelings, Jane.”

“We’re good,” she said with her own smile. “I probably shouldn’t be condoning this kind of thing, but I think you’re right. It’s exactly what we needed,” she said, putting her hand on Kaidan’s knee as she looked at him genuinely.

“Don’t worry. With how bad I feel, I don’t think I’ll be doing anything like that again any time soon, but I’m glad for the outcome at least. I think I’ve talked your ears off enough now though. I’ll leave you two be so you can enjoy a nice, quiet breakfast together.”

Kaidan gave her an appreciative nod. He and Shepard watched her as she left the kitchen before they turned back to face each other.

Kaidan huffed out a small laugh. “I’m not even mad about it, honestly.”

Shepard’s smile softened. It was a bit meddlesome, she had to admit, but she wasn’t exactly mad about it either. Ada was well-intentioned enough.

“How could I be mad about it either if it led me back to you?” she said as she leaned towards him and they shared a gentle kiss.

“I KNEW IT!” They both heard, startling them from their kiss. They turned to the door quickly in shock to see Maisie standing there.

“Ugh,” Kaidan grumbled out. “What are you doing back here already?” he asked, rubbing his forehead.

“Forgot my orange juice,” she said, pointing to the counter in front of them.

“How convenient,” he said as he sat up a little more dignified.

“There’s no going back now, you know. Not after what I just saw,” Maisie said, grinning from ear to ear as she walked over to them. She brought them both into an awkward hug. “I don’t know why you guys kept trying to deny it so long. Isn’t it easier to live freely with that information out in the open?”

“Maisie!” they all heard Ada shout from the other room, already knowing that she was causing a ruckus.

Maisie squeezed them a little tighter. “I’m just happy for you guys, you know that, right?” she said more sincerely.

“I know,” Kaidan admitted.

“Good,” she said as she lowered her head down to their level. “I hope you also know that I’m never going to let you live this down,” she said, her evil grin returning.

Kaidan rolled his eyes and Shepard laughed, deciding to appreciate the humour in the situation.

“Now, why don’t you two enjoy your breakfast,” she said as she patted them both on the back roughly. “I’ll let you two have some privacy.”

They both watched her as she took her orange juice and left. Shepard turned to Kaidan then. He had a bit of a grumpy look on his face, though she was still entertained by the whole idea more than anything.

“I’m glad you find it funny, at least.”

“She was going to find out eventually,” Shepard said, smiling at him kindly, trying to sympathise even if she didn’t feel that badly about it.

Kaidan took in a deep breath and turned towards his plate and got a fork full of eggs. “You have a good point. I just hate it when she has a one-up on me,” he said as he shook his head, finally laughing at the situation himself. “This one was worth it, though,” he said, smiling at her.

“Agreed,” she said as she started her own breakfast. As she took a sip of the fancy guest coffee that she remembered from the other morning, it brought her back to her conversation with Raiya. The same one where she admitted her true feelings. At the time, Kaidan had never felt so far out of her reach. But now here she was, only two days later and circumstances couldn’t have been more different. She was finally happy. Suddenly, she felt Kaidan’s hand placed over hers.

“Everything okay?” he asked, sounding concerned.

“Yeah,” she said with a smile. “I was just thinking of the conversation I had with Raiya the other day. I may have told her something,” she started to hint at a little ambiguously. She figured if she could admit it to Raiya, she could admit it to Kaidan.

“Oh yeah? What did you tell her?” he asked curiously.

“I told her that I’m in love with you.”

He smiled at that sadly. Like he realised how much she’d been hurting this whole time, too. “I’m in love with you, too. I always was,” he said, pulling her in for another gentle kiss now.

They parted ever so slightly. “Aren’t you afraid of someone else from your family catching us now?”

“No,” he said, his hand on her thigh now as he looked at her genuinely. “I’m in this for the long haul, Jane. Let them find out and hold it above our heads for the rest of our lives,” he said with one of the biggest smiles she’d ever seen.

She couldn’t help but match his expression, the implication of his words deeper than she’d expected.  _ ‘For the rest of our lives.’ _

“I like the sound of that.”


End file.
